It was almost two hours later, as AJ paced the waiting room, when a nurse came out and told him he could come back. His nerves were jittering inside. He’d been ignoring phone calls all evening from Kevin first, then Howie. He’d paced a path through the waiting room; gone outside enough that he’d smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Hell, he’d even sat there and drank their bad coffee!
But now he was following the nurse, wishing she would pick up the pace. He hated having to be away from Brian, even for this short moment. One, he wanted to be by his side and show him support. Two, it gave his mind way too much free time to sit back and think about everything. Time to grow afraid. Here, with Brian, was not the place to let these fears out. Brian needed him to be strong, and that’s what he was going to do.
When the nurse opened the door for him, AJ practically bounded inside. Some of his tension eased when he saw Brian sitting on the exam table. He’d dressed again, but hadn’t bothered to button his plaid shirt. Even here, in one of the places that both men hated almost more than anything else, AJ couldn’t help but marvel at how beautiful his lover was.
One look at Brian’s face had AJ forgetting that they were in a public place where anyone could walk in and see them. He forgot even about the nurse who had held the door. His eyes locked on Brian and he walked right to him. Without hesitation he opened his arms, enfolding Brian in them. His love clutched at the front of his shirt, breathing raggedly against the material. He made no effort to move away, either. “I forgot how much I hate these tests, Alex.” He whispered.
AJ ran a hand over Brian’s back while his other one cupped the back of his head. “They’re done now, baby.” He soothed. Briefly he kissed the top of Brian’s head. “I’m with you now. You just lean on me for a little while.”
“That’d look funny, don’t you think?” Brian’s muffled response still held humor in it. “I don’t think the doctor wants me to talk to her through your shirt.”
“Smart ass.”
AJ shifted, nudging at Brian’s hip until he scooted over. Then AJ plopped his skinny self on the side of the exam table and wrapped one arm around Brian, resting his hand on the opposite shoulder. With a sigh Brian rested his head on AJ’s shoulder. “Better.” He said.
“I’m glad.”
“Me too.” Brian whispered vehemently. One of his fingers trailed up and down AJ’s leg.
There was a brief knock on the door. Quickly Brian lifted his head, but he made no move to separate from AJ’s arm, so AJ left it where it was as Dr. Emily entered the room. AJ thought to himself that he liked the woman. She wasn’t brisk, but she had been direct and to the point. She was the same way now. “Well I put the rush on your results. As I said, we’re pretty dead tonight. Do you want the technical jargon or just a layman’s explanation?”
Brian flashed a smile at her. “Dumb it down for me, if you don’t mind.”
Dr. Emily sat on her swivel chair and looked them both in the eye. Within thirty seconds of being in their company she had already figured out that the two were a couple. Seeing them sit this way only reinforced it in her mind. She didn’t worry about it, or even consider it relevant to his care.
“Well, first let me explain a few things. I imagine that you know a lot of it, Mr. Littrell, what with your history and all, but would you like me to take the time to make sure your partner understands?”
Her words shocked them both. Before Brian could bother protesting, AJ nodded at her. She was a shrewd woman. Dr. Emily pulled out a model of a heart as she started to speak.
“The heart has two sides, separated by an inner wall called the septum. With each heartbeat, the right side of the heart receives oxygen-poor blood from the body and pumps it to the lungs. The left side of the heart receives oxygen-rich blood from the lungs and pumps it to the body. The septum prevents mixing of blood between the two sides of the heart.”
She put the heart model back on the desk and turned serious eyes to the couple on the table. AJ felt his heart skip a beat, and he could feel Brian grow tense next to them. She would never have given them that speech if something wasn’t wrong. Her next words confirmed their worst fears.
“Both the echocardiography and the MRI both clearly show that you have ASD, Mr. Littrell. Now, an atrial septal defect, or ASD, is a hole in the part of the septum that separates the atria, the upper chambers of the heart. This heart defect allows oxygen-rich blood from the left atrium to flow across the atrial septum into the right atrium instead of flowing down to the left ventricle as it should. This is inefficient because oxygen-rich blood gets pumped back to the lungs, where it has just been, instead of going to the body.”
Unconsciously, AJ and Brian joined hands in front of themselves. AJ could feel Brian’s hand shaking in his. It was their worst fears coming true. Dr. Emily wasn’t going to sugar coat it for them. She gave it to them honestly and straight.
“If you’re staying the area I know a wonderful cardiologist. But your paperwork lists one that it appears you see each time you’re in Portland, Oregon. I can fax the papers and have them in his office by morning. But you need to get in to see him, Mr. Littrell. This is a serious condition, and if it’s not treated it can be life threatening.”
“My God.” It was the first thing Brian had been able to say. His eyes were glazing over. AJ could feel the trembling spread through his body, and see the look in his eyes that said he wasn’t there anymore. He was lost in thought inside of his own head.
Dr. Emily looked at him in sympathy before bringing her eyes to AJ. “Will he go see the cardiologist? The sooner the better.”
“As soon as I can get him there. Until then is there anything we can do?”
As she spoke, Dr. Emily pulled out a prescription pad and started to write. “Fill these at the pharmacy out there. It’s Coumadin, which is an anti-coagulant. Also I’m going to give him a beta blocker. Get these filled on your way out. In fact, I’ll drop them off while you get him, well, upright. But these should keep his heart under control until they can build a treatment plan for him.”
AJ held his hand out to her. “Thank you very much for your time, Dr. Emily.”
The smile she flashed him this time was full wattage. “Anytime, gentlemen. Get those scripts on the way out and then get your baby home. What he needs most tonight is just sleep.” After one last smile she left the room.
~~~~~~~~~~
Brian stared at the door as Dr. Emily shut it behind her. His mind was jumping around, unable to focus. Another hole. He had another hole in his heart. Wasn’t the first one bad enough? He’d been down this road already, and had the open heart surgery to prove it! What had he done in his life to deserve going through this a second time? Once had been bad enough!
He felt AJ shift next to him and start to step away. Brian tightened his grip on AJ’s hand. He didn’t want to let go. Right then he needed that physical contact. Screw anyone else who might see them. He needed to feel AJ’s warm hand in his, and feel the strength that his lover had. Without it, Brian wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay upright.
“It’s ok, Bri.” AJ’s voice said soothingly. He moved to stand in front of Brian so that he could bring one hand up to cup his lover’s cheek. Brian found himself leaning into that touch, relishing in the physical contact. It kept him grounded. “Look at me, Bri. Look at my eyes. I’m not going anywhere, ok? You and I, we’ll get through this. Don’t you think for one minute that I’m going to leave you.”
“I can’t do this alone.” Brian whispered. He closed his eyes as his thoughts raced through his mind. It wasn’t fair! “I can’t be strong like this again. I did it once. I had to be strong for everyone else. I don’t have that strength anymore. It’s gone. I used it all the last time.” His voice started to hitch.
AJ moved his hand under Brian’s chin, tipping his face up. He stayed silent until Brian opened his eyes. Staring into those chocolate eyes, Brian felt as if he was wrapped tight in AJ’s love. “You won’t be alone, do you hear me? You don’t have to be strong, either. It’s ok to break down. It’s ok to be afraid.”
“People expect you to be strong. They tell you chin up, and that things are going to be ok, just be strong. But I can’t, Alex.”
“Let me be strong for you.” AJ pressed their foreheads together. Lightly he kissed Brian’s lips. “You’re not alone this time, and you don’t have to hold everything on your shoulders. Mine are strong, Bri. Let me take the load for a while. Let me carry it for you.”
Brian couldn’t speak. There were no words to describe what he was feeling inside. So he simply leaned in to AJ’s embrace. He allowed himself to be folded into those familiar arms, and he rested his head on the shoulder that he knew would always be there for him. With a sigh, he gave himself over to AJ, knowing that this time, he had someone he could rely on. Someone who would help him through it all. Not as a friend, who tries to cheer you. Or a parent, who tries to help you stand yourself back up. But as a partner, who would share the burden or carry the load as needed. All he could think of to say was, “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”