Brian stared at the mirror in his dressing room. He felt physically sick. He couldn’t do this. There was no way he could get out on stage, feeling the way he did, knowing what he did about himself, and pretend that everything was ok. How was he going to manage to sing the right lines, or goof off the way people would expect him to? The whole time he was out there he knew he was going to be watching himself, waiting for something to strike.
It had been a long time since he had felt as if his body was his enemy. Since he had felt the fear that ate away at your insides, telling you that you couldn’t do this, couldn’t do that, because you had such a bum heart. All his life he’d been told to be careful, you never knew when something was going to trigger an issue.
God, he needed to calm down. This was just one show; one last one and then he and AJ were going to go to the doctor and get this checked out. Maybe they would tell him it was all in his head, or that he just had a virus. Maybe it would be nothing. But Brian didn’t believe that. When you lived with a heart condition like he had, a person learned to recognize signs and symptoms.
The door to his dressing room opened and Nick stuck his head inside. “You bout ready, Rok?” he called. Even with his mind as distracted as it was, Brian couldn’t help but notice the way that Nick wouldn’t look at him, or hear the forced cheer to his tone. “Getting there. Come on in.” Without bothering to see if Nick was coming, Brian turned to pull his shirt on. He continued talking before Nick could get a chance to refuse. Something was going on with his best friend. Now was as good a time as any to find out what it was. “What’s up, Frack? You don’t look your chipper self.”
“Just pre show jitters. It happens sometimes.” Nick mumbled awkwardly.
Brian tossed a look over his shoulder and scoffed. “It’s me you’re talking to. What’s really going on?”
“Look, it’s nothing, ok.”
Fully dressed now, Brian stepped over to where Nick stood by the door, hands jammed into his pockets. “Nick, talk to me. Everything’s ok with your family, right?”
Nick nodded.
“Are you upset with me?”
Hesitation. Ah ha. Though he still had no idea what he’d done, Brian at least knew where to look now. His own problems were fully shoved aside, all his attention focused on the kid who had been his best friend for years. “Can you tell me what I did?”
For a moment it looked as if Nick wasn’t going to speak. Then he sighed and the tension seemed to drain out of him. “It’s not anything you did, really.” He admitted. A smile curved his lips, the first true smile since he’d come in. “We’re ok, Frick. Sorry. I’ve just been a little off lately.”
“Come talk to me later. You know where my door is.” Brian offered him. He one arm hugged Nick, ruffling his hair.
The door opened again and this time it was AJ’s head that was stuck in. His grin was a mile wide as he watched Nick pull away from Brian’s arm to fix his hair. “You two clowns about ready? We’re on in three.”
“Yeah, yeah, we’re coming.” Brian pretended to grumble.
Just for the joy of it, AJ reached a hand out and tugged on one of Nick’s golden locks. “What about you, pretty boy?” he teased. It was something they had joked about for years, and after a moment’s hesitation, Nick smiled and played his part. He flicked a finger at AJ’s hat, bumping it up his head. “Look who’s talking. I’m ready in quicker than twenty minutes.”
They continued to squabble as they all headed out of the rooms and down toward the main arena to get prepared. Brian smiled at them. That had been exactly what he needed. He knew now that he could do this show. He would do it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time the show was done, Brian wasn’t so sure. His heart was beating harder than ever and he couldn’t catch his breath to save his life. Somehow he managed to make it through the show without anyone noticing, though he had a feeling that AJ had. But when they were done, Brian rushed back to his dressing room, eager to be away from prying eyes.
As he’d guessed it didn’t take long before AJ came striding in, slamming the door shut behind him. He took one look at Brian; hunched over, one hand on the vanity table to support his weight, one hand to his heart. “This is enough. We’re taking you in tonight.” AJ announced.
“No.” Brian gasped out. “Just get me back to the hotel. I’ll be fine with some sleep.”
“Fine? Are you kidding me? You practically look blue!”
It was true. Brian’s skin had taken on an almost bluish cast. But he still shook his head, trying to deny it. He didn’t want to go to the ER. All he wanted was to catch his breath before heading to the hotel and climbing into bed, preferably with AJ’s arms wrapped tight around him. “I said I’ll be fine.”
“Brian Thomas, if you think I’m going to stand here and let you talk stupid you’ve got another fucking thing coming!” AJ snapped. His foot tapped impatiently against the floor, a steady meter. “Now take your pick. Either you go with me and get in the damn car and go to the ER or I call the fucking ambulance. Take your pick.”
Anger had Brian wanting to snap back at him but he was too out of air to be able to come up with some witty reply. Instead he took a deep breath and straightened himself up. “Fine. Let’s go.”
He allowed AJ to lead him out of the dressing room. They never touched as they moved through the crowds. Yet, despite his anger, Brian found he was grateful for AJ’s presence beside him as he grew dizzier. It seemed to take forever before they were at the car and AJ was shuffling him inside. He told the driver where to take them before settling in the back with Brian.
His eyes were bright with concern as he watched Brian lay his head back against the seat. “I never should have let you do the show tonight.” He whispered as he stroked a sweat dampened curl off of Brian’s forehead.
Cranky, Brian glared at him. “Let me? I am an adult, you know. I’ve been making my own decisions for a long time.”
“Yeah, well, when you’re being stupid I’m entitled to make decisions.”
“It’s my heart, J! I’ll take care of it as I see fit!” Brian snapped.
AJ leaned in, ignoring the driver. He kept his voice low, though it didn’t mask the heat in his words. “It’s your heart, that’s true. But it’s the heart of the man I love. If you fucking think I’m going to sit back and just let you ignore something so serious then you’re fucking delusional.”
“Quit swearing at me.”
“Quit being an idiot!”
They rode in silence for a while. Both their tempers were brewing. As usual, Brian’s faded away first. “I don’t want to fight about this.” He murmured as the hospital approached in the distance.
The look AJ gave him was still annoyed but was also full of love. “Good, because there’s not a point. I’m winning this one.”
His reply didn’t offend Brian. He knew there were times that AJ was more gruff than normal as a defense against things like fear or pain. Once they were at the hospital and out of the car, though, AJ’s temper was gone and he was the perfect companion to bring in with him. He kept Brian entertained and distracted as they sat in the waiting room after checking in. Then, when they were taken back to a room and left there, AJ instantly started sifting through the doctors drawers and looking at the stuff inside.
From his spot on the exam table, Brian shook his head. “What the hell are you doing?” he gasped out.
“Entertaining myself.” AJ replied with a cheeky grin. He flipped Brian a wink as he set about blowing up the latex gloves and typing them off. Soon they had six or seven glove balloons floating around the room. Brian appreciated what AJ was doing probably more than AJ realized. It was distracting his mind from the pain he was starting to feel.
The doctor came in a minute later, and it was almost worth the pain of chuckling when he watched AJ scoot back into his chair and fold his hands in his lip, looking like nothing more than a child hoping their parent hadn’t seen their hand in the cookie jar.
The female doctor, a Dr. Emily, shook her head at the balloons but stepped around them. She was brisk in her exam, talking to him all the while. Once she had checked his pulse, took his temp, listened to his heart, and did all the things that doctors do when you first come in, she leaned against the counter and looked him square in the eye. “I want you to have an echocardiogram as well as an MRI.” She stated bluntly. Brian had already told her about his history with heart problems, so she was taking this all very seriously. “Those will tell us if there’s anything with your heart that we need to worry about. I don’t want to jump the gun without having information. We’re pretty dead tonight, so I should be able to get you in fairly quickly. You don’t mind waiting, do you?”
“Not at all.” AJ piped up. He flashed Brian a grin, daring him to argue it. But at that point Brian was done arguing. He could actually feel the irregularity in his heartbeat.
Dr. Emily excused herself from the room to set those up. While she was gone, AJ rose and moved to take Brian’s hands in his. “I’m right here, baby.” He whispered softly. The look in his eyes was suddenly tender. “They won’t let me in for the test, I know, but I’ll be waiting when you get back.”
“MRI’s can take a long time, J. You’ll get bored out of your mind.”
AJ’s lips curved and he dared to lean in for a quick kiss. “I don’t care. I am not going anywhere, you got it?”
“Got it.” Brian stole another quick kiss. Then he found himself pressing his forehead against AJ’s, their breath mingling together. One steady and even, the other labored and harsh. “I hate MRI’s. Those stupid machines freak me out.”
“Just lie back and think of England, love.” AJ said with a wink.
Unable to resist, Brian laughed.