For that first day most of the time Brian spent in testing. They put him through one test after another to check how his body was doing. By the time the day was done he was exhausted, and he felt like a giant pincushion. But Howie had stopped by, and though it had been hard to do it, Brian had made out his will. That was one less worry he had to deal with.
Through the day his friends had come and gone. AJ had been there after each test, until Brian convinced him to go home for a while. But he lost the battle about sending AJ home at night. Somehow the younger man got the nurses on his side and ended up spending the first night on the couch. After that, though, Brian pressed the point hard. He did not want AJ sleeping on a couch each night. Though it had taken a spectacular argument, and half of a day, he finally managed to convince his lover.
The weekend passed by quicker than Brian would have liked. When Monday rolled around, Dr. Lorry came in to see him. AJ was sitting on Brian’s bed with him and they were holding hands as they talked quietly with one another. They knew Dr. Lorry’s original plan. He had said he’d wanted Brian in the hospital for a few days before the surgery. That meant that surgery should either be that day, or the next.
When Dr. Lorry walked in, they both saw the answer on his face. “You want to do this today.” Brian whispered.
Dr. Lorry nodded, his expression serious. “I don’t want to delay any more. We’ve got you scheduled as a top priority at 1pm this afternoon. Are you ready, Brian?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
Moving to the chair by the bed, Dr. Lorry took a seat. “I know you know this route, Brian, but I thought you two might like me to explain the procedure to AJ here.”
Gratitude shone in the couples eyes. That was enough of an answer for Dr. Lorry. He took a deep breath and launched into his explanation.
“The first 45-60 minutes in surgery are used to prepare for the operation. Anesthesia is given to put Brian to sleep. Once he's asleep a breathing tube will be inserted and he'll be connected to a respirator. A stomach tube will be inserted and attached to suction to remove excess stomach juices and acids. A Foley catheter will be inserted to empty the bladder and measure urinary output.
“A Central I.V. Line will be inserted in his neck to replace the I.V. in his hand. An arterial line will be placed in his wrist to measure blood pressure. He'll have chest electrodes placed on the skin to monitor heart rhythm.
“Once he's asleep, we separate his sternum. Since he's had this done before we'll have to cut the wires that are there. Once inside, we'll patch over the hole. That's a lengthier explanation than I think most people would understand. Once we're done we'll close the sternum and fasten it with new stainless steel wires which will stay in his chest. We close the incision with sutures, and tubes are placed in the chest to drain the cavity of normal post-op bleeding.
“After this he gets taken to the ICU for a day or so, then to the cardiac floor for about five days, depending on complications. We'll watch him more than normal because this procedure’s been done before. But, with your health, Brian, I don't anticipate too many troubles.”
AJ never flinched through the whole explanation. He watched Dr. Lorry as he spoke, and nodded to show that he understood things. “Will I be able to visit in the ICU?” He asked him.
“With the right garb, yes. Usually ICU is only family, but I can make sure your name is on that list. It’s something I’ll see to personally.”
Now that his explanation had been done, Dr. Lorry rose to his feet to give the two some time alone. “I’ll be back for you about twelve thirty, Brian, and we’ll start prepping you. I’ll make sure no one bothers the two of you in here.” That said he swept from the room.
Alone again, AJ turned his attention to his lover. Brian’s hands were shaking and his eyes were closed. Even knowing that it was coming the whole idea had almost been abstract. Now it was on them and there was no hiding from it. He was going to get cut open again. Another hole patched on his heart. “I’m so scared, Alex.”
“I know you are, and that’s ok. It’s ok to be scared.” AJ’s voice was calm and steady. He told himself that no matter how scared he was, no matter what he felt, he was going to keep himself calm for Brian’s sake. He would be strong for him. “Remember that I’m right here until they take you back and put you to sleep; and I’ll be here when you open those pretty blues back up again.”
“What…what if I don’t wake up?”
For a moment the hospital room was quiet. Then Brian felt AJ’s knuckle under his chin, tilting his head up until they were eye to eye. “I don’t proclaim to know how things will go, or what’s going to happen, but I do know one thing, Brian. Your time here isn’t done yet. You have a life yet to live. I believe that with my whole heart.”
Tears gathered in Brian’s eyes, spilling over the sides. “I want to, Alex.” He whispered hoarsely. “I want to so much, but I don’t know if I can. I’m scared to get my hopes up.”
In that special gesture that they shared, AJ brought their foreheads together. This was always the most special way for them to be. Eye to eye, sharing their breath. They never felt more connected at any other moment. “Then look at me. See it in my eyes. Hear it in my voice. Feel it, Brian. I believe you’ll make it. With every fiber of my being I believe you will survive this.”
“How do you know?”
Reaching down, AJ took hold of Brian’s hand and brought it up to touch over AJ’s heart. Then he placed his own hand over Brian’s heart. “You feel how that beats, Brian? The same way that I feel yours. You’re the other half of my heart. I know you’ll make it through because your heart’s mine and mine is yours. One doesn’t exist without the other.”
Brian lost his battle with tears. The poured down his cheeks in rivers. “Hold me for a while, please.” He found himself asking. Without another word AJ laid them down on the bed and gathered Brian in his arms, letting Brian’s head pillow on his chest. Softly, the sound barely there, he hummed the music for ‘Best Friend’.
Together the two lay there, drawing strength from the warmth of each other.
~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later the five members of the Backstreet Boys stood gathered in one hospital room. Nina had been put in her crate at the house with food and water so that no one would have to stay behind. In the center of the room sat Brian, dressed in his hospital gown, looking so small in the center of his bed. To keep things sterile, AJ wasn’t in the bed with him, but he stood beside it, holding tightly to one of Brian’s hands.
Nervous, Brian had to clear his throat twice before he spoke. “Where, uh. Ahem. Someone notified my family, right?”
“I talked to them, Brian. They don’t like it, but they respect you not wanting them to fly out here. I’m under orders to call every hour with updates, though.” Kevin supplied the answer. His face was set with lines of concern and fear, yet also a determination. “Don’t worry, Bri. I’ve got that covered.”
“You just concentrate on you.” Nick added in. He reached out and touched Brian’s shoulder. “You’re a strong guy, you’ll be just fine. Just have faith.”
Those familiar words washed over Brian. He closed his eyes under the weight of it. He didn’t want to be strong. He didn’t want to have faith. He just wanted to hide. Somewhere that wasn’t here. Anywhere, for that matter. There was no way he could do this again. Oh God, he couldn’t do it. They had to cancel it. Had to stop this surgery. Forget it. The hole could do what it would. He couldn’t go through this surgery again!
As if reading his mind, AJ squeezed on his hand. ‘I’m right here’ the gesture said. It took Brian’s panic down a notch or two. He could almost feel the strength in AJ’s hand filling him. Right now he wasn’t strong, but his partner was. Brian allowed himself to be surrounded by that feeling. It held him through until the nurses came in to take him away.
Each of the guys took their turns to hug him and wish him luck. Kevin first, then Howie, and finally Nick. They all hugged him as the nurses filed in. Every one of them told him they loved him, and he whispered it back to them. Finally they stepped out of the way.
“AJ!” The name tore from Brian’s lips as his bed started to move. AJ’s gaze never faltered as he looked into Brian’s eyes.
“Just a second.” He asked the nurses with a quiet yet firm voice. Stepping right up to the bed, he roughly took hold of Brian’s curls and yanked his head forward for a kiss that was both exhilarating and passionate, with just that edge of rough that Brian always loved. He bit at Brian’s lip, and then soothed it with his tongue.
They ignored the others in the room who were watching. When AJ finally pulled back, the two were breathing heavy. AJ briefly pressed their foreheads together. “You will come back to me.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. It did more to soothe Brian than anything else had.
Finally AJ let go of Brian’s hair and stepped away from the bed. Their eyes stayed locked as the nurses pushed the bed from the room. Until the last instant the two had their hands touching. Then the bed reached the door and they had to let go. “I love you!” Brian called out as his bed went out the door.
“I love you too!” AJ called in response. There was no more sound as the bed disappeared down the hallway. Brian was in the hands of very capable doctors and nurses now. AJ held on to his faith and prayed right where he stood. His prayer was simple. Please, God, let him survive. Please, God, let him survive.