Night.
Late night, almost reaching the point of dawn.
Brian knew he should be asleep or in the morning he would wore what Nick called a “real rock star look”: bloodshot eyes, pale skin and a killer migraine. But, as sleep sounded so tempting, he couldn’t let himself relax enough for his mind to shut down and welcome the blackness.
No, he wasn’t sleeping, instead he was pacing back and forth in front of his bed, arms wrapped tightly around his waist like he was trying to trap his own emotions inside.
Still, he just wanted more than just screaming or crying till he was so exhausted that he could just pass out, though he knew nightmares would come and snap him awake.
He just wanted to help, why did it seem like he had done something terrible?
The words, gosh, they still haunted him no matter how hard he was trying to forget. He told himself that it wasn’t his Alex speaking, rather screaming at him, but it was the bad Alex, the one who always came back every time the young man was out drinking and doing drugs. As usually, Brian had waited for his return, it was part of his routine just wait in the lobby until he saw his bodyguard drag in his friend; together, they helped him getting in his room and then it was up to Brian doing all that he can to help him.
Sometimes, Brian had to help him while he was sick, getting rid of all too much alcohol in his system; sometimes, he had to hold him while he was crying and just told him over and over again that they never left him no matter what.
Sometimes, and those were becoming too much lately, Aj just lashed at him all the anger he felt. Brian didn’t flinch or take it bad because he knew that, in a twisted way, his friend was mad at himself and not at him. Still, some words hurt more that he would admit it.
But that wasn’t the reason why he was so tangled up right now.
The reason was that he couldn’t do it anymore, especially the secret part. Aj had made him swore that he wouldn’t tell anyone what’s going on with him, even when he had to get him in the ER because Aj was on the thin edge of an overdose. He pleaded, begged him to get help but Aj wouldn’t let him even speaking. Shame, embarrassed and feeling that he wasn’t doing something wrong poured from his words along with the promise that he wouldn’t touch another inch of drug. And Brian...
Brian believed him because he loved him, loved Aj since the first time he placed his foot inside Kevin’s apartment, even if at that time he didn’t know why his heart would skip a beat every time Aj looked at him or why he felt a strange tingle in his stomach whenever the younger sang his solo.
Growing up, he understood what was that feeling but silently kept to himself: first thing, he didn’t know if Aj had some interest in guys and he wouldn’t bare the embarrassment of being turned down by one of his best friend. And... he could do it, he could just love Aj standing in the shadows, alert about his
So he just swallowed his pain, knowing that nothing he was going through was deeper that what was dragging Aj down and when the boy started asking his help, Brian couldn’t say no.
He thought that his love would be enough for the two of them and enough to help Aj, even if he couldn’t tell anybody.
But now... now he didn’t know if keeping the secret was the right thing to do... the weight of this situation was wearing him down and he felt so helpless that he wondered why he still doing it knowing that he couldn’t stop Aj. But, as twisted as it may seemed, he couldn’t betray Aj’s trust: he had promised he would never tell anyone and that’s what he would do, even if this means to stay away from the guys, fearing that he could slip his secret.
His eyes fell on the small card he threw on the bedside table. In a clear handwriting, scrabbled on it was Christian’s number. He recalled how gentle was the offer to call anytime he needed but could he really do it? Could he really trust someone he didn’t know? Yet, he couldn’t keep his façade any longer, he needed to confide his secret to someone to know what was the right thing to do.
The past days... he thought about him but he couldn’t take the courage to deal those simple numbers. What could he possible say? Hey, I’m Brian... you know, the one you helped the other day in the park. But... what if he didn’t remember him? What if he was already with someone? Wait. Where did this thought come from? Yes, Christian was indeed an attractive man and yes, he felt something for him but... maybe was the fact that he was eager to fall in love or maybe was the fact that Christian had been the first person to really notice how much he was hurting.
What trigger him to call Christian was the fact that he didn’t know his real identity. He didn’t have to weight his words in fear that something would end on first page the morning after; he didn’t have to fear that he would have gone to Aj or one of the others to spill his secret.
He had the liberty to literally be himself.
The phone life was free when he dialed the number and he prayed that he didn’t woke him up. Indeed, a sleepy voice came through the phone and Brian mentally kicked himself... he should have waited the morning, a time when it was proper and civil to call someone!
“Hi... this is Brian, maybe you don’t remember me... but...”
“Of course I remember. How could I forget those beautiful eyes?” the voice was warm and gentle, not rude as Brian had expected. Some of the pressure holding his stomach flew away and Brian felt himself relaxing. He had someone who wasn’t mad if he called at the dawn. No, he had someone who cared about him.
“Sorry if I’m waking you up but...” Brian let out a frustrated sigh while sitting on the edge of the bed. “... it’s just that I didn’t know who else to turn to.”
“Well, that’s the reason why I gave you my number. You’re not alone.”
“Thank you. You don’t know how much it means to me.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind lose some hours of sleep if that means helping out a friend.”
Shock revealed from Brian’s tone. “A friend? How?”
“Well, first I really like you, Brian. I know that’s kinda awkward because we met just one time but... since then I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of you.”
Flattered, Brian realized his cheeks were growing redder and redder. “I... I did it too.”
“Well, I feel honored by that. A quite handsome man got a little crush about me.” Christian joked, knowing perfectly how to work Brian.
If possible, Brian blushed even more. “I’m not that beautiful.”
“For me, you are.” Christian replied quietly. “But I don’t think you called me for that. What’s the matter?”
For a moment, everything came back like a ton of bricks and Brian found himself unable to speak or let alone breath. Alex, his Alex was killing himself and he was helping him in this self – destruction. What kind of friend he was?
“Brian? What’s wrong? Something happened?”
“It’s... I don’t know what to do anymore. What can you do more when your hardest isn’t good enough? I pleaded him so many times, begged! But... he’s so stubborn and he just doesn’t want to stop!” rambling, Brian stood up and started to pace again, waving his hands like he was talking face to face and not by a phone. “Gosh, I love him and it hurts me to see what he’s doing to himself!”
In his frantic rambling, Brian revealed the only secret he intended to keep it to himself. No one knew that he was gay, apart from Nick but... well, he couldn’t really consider the guy his friend anymore, right after he told him about his real identity, Nick distanced himself from Brian and... yes, Brian feared that was because he told him that Aj was indeed his secret dream lover. He thought he could trust his best friend, he thought he could be as open as the little boy had been throughout their friendship over the years. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his friend but Brian was the kind of guy to just keep everything inside and never show anything that didn’t fill with the image anyone had about him: people thought that he was strong, for he to have survived everything that had been thrown at him with his heart, so no one bother to see if there was weakness in his steps or hurt in the notes he took.
On the other line, Christian sat on his bed listening carefully at the silence, knowing the conflict going back and forth inside Brian’s mind. He literally could what was going on, how he was debating about everything and what more he could told him without giving away too much but still needing to just put, at least for a little while, his weight on someone’s else shoulder. True to his fame, Brian was so eager in trusting someone even if he didn’t really know him well and that really worked in his way: he knew he just needed a little push to have him completely at his feet, desperately wanting someone who can held him and told him everything would be alright.
“Calm down for a second, okay?” he said, hearing the quicker gulps of breath that indicated only one thing, panic. “Just tell me what’s going on.”
“Aj... he’s really bad. Alcohol at first and then he went for drugs. I don’t know what kind just... one or two times I had to take him to the ER because I found him a step away from overdose.” Brian shivered as the images of that frantic moments hit him forcefully. He couldn’t forget the terror that held a tight grip of him while waiting on the waiting room, the desperate prayers mumbled over and over again, promises to do whatever he needed to do to help the man he loved.
“Brian, forgive me to be so blunt, but you can’t keep up doing that. I don’t know your friend but I do know addictions and, frankly, you can’t save him no matter how hard you try.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“You have to tell someone else. Your friend need help, serious help, something you can’t provide. Nothing against you or not that I’m saying that you’re completely useless but... your friend won’t ever admit that he need help and, baby, you’re too soft to be harsh and steady.”
“I... I can’t.” murmured Brian. “I can’t betray his trust!”
“Sometimes you have to in order to save your friend. Do you care about him?”
The question was a sharp one. “Of course.”
“Then you have to help him. And the only one is by you going to someone and get your friend to a rehab. It’s the only way.”
Biting his nails, Brian was so unsure about what to do. He wanted so bad to tell everything and, really, Christian was right saying that the best thing was to tell someone, mostly Kevin, what had been going on for a month or more. But... he couldn’t bore to lose the little trust Aj had put in him, no way he was going to lose the only one who can make him feel like he was needed, like he wasn’t just a pretty face and a great voice. Still, he held on that tiny rope that one day Aj would see how much he cared about him and... now he knew he was getting carried away by his wishes because, yes, Christian was right. For him to have a chance in the future with Aj, he needed to help him, even if it meant disclosing a secret.
“Brian, hear me out. I know that you’re asking yourself why in the hell you should listen to a complete stranger but I can’t forget how sad you looked when I met you. And now I know why you were so beaten up because this thing is eating you live like a cancer. And it shouldn’t because it’s not your problem, you aren’t the one who is trying to destroy himself and everything around him. You have to stop it before it kill you and, trust me, it will happen. One night, your friend would be so desperate for a quick that he would do everything just to have it, even if it means to hurt you or to play with your feelings.”
“Alex... would never do that!”
“When he craves for a drug, he isn’t your Alex.” Christian replied. “I understand you’re fearing him getting angry on you so, if it’s a little consolation, I would be up waiting for your call, okay?”
“You... You will do it?”
“I care for you, maybe I’m clueless about what you are but I saw who you are and... it makes me want to know you better and to show you how much you are lovable. You deserve love and you deserve someone who cares for you. I would love to be that person.”
Before Brian could say something, a loud crash followed by screaming broke everything.