Brian froze, the phone still clutched in one hand but silence was the only thing that he would love to hear. He didn’t want to hear the raspy sounds coming from the hallway, the fists that landed against the doorframe with such force that he could hear the echoes still after a few minutes.
Damn, he should have known better than to leave Alex all alone, not even for the few hours of sleep that could have gather if he wasn’t so mind troubled. Usually, he stayed in Aj’s room after the man fell asleep, lying down on a couch and with every senses alerted at the minimum arise of trouble. Night after night, Brian learned to never let his guard down or he could faced an angry and screaming Aj in the middle of a craving.
Yeah, things were much more worse than he had ever let know.
That night he had to step away, his strengths were so low that he barely have the energy to drag Alex inside his room and assure himself that Aj wouldn’t be sick before retiring in his own room. On the verge of a break down, Brian called the only one who had offered him a slight hope to be comforted.
He did deserve a break, right?
Yet, now, listening to the shouting, he couldn’t escape the guiltiness that was raising up in his throat, a burning fluid that tasted like acid bile. The scenario wasn’t too difficult to imagine: Aj had gone to find him and, if he was correct, he had found his cousin. Why Kevin was awake at that time of the night it was beyond his comprehension and interest but one thing Brian knew: if he didn’t step in sooner, the two guys would end up saying things they would regret later. Especially, when of them was desperate enough to do everything just to get what he wanted.
“Christian, I gotta go! There’s something going on and I must...”
The other guy interrupted him, hearing perfectly the reason why Brian had to cut in their conversation.
The perfect chance to jump in the situation and bring Brian on his side.
“It’s okay. Go and know that my offer is still up. Call me if you need someone, okay? Stop doing everything on your own because, even if you feel lonely, you aren’t alone.”
“Thank you. I don’t know what I will do without you.” With that, Brian ended their talk and sighed, rubbing the temples of his head. He had a feeling that whatever was going down on the hallway wouldn’t turn out good for him. If Aj and Kevin were fighting, and no doubt on that since he can recognize their voices, it meant that Kevin had found out their little secret. And he would not be pleased with him, so damn perfect!
With a stiff groan, Brian got up and left the room, pausing a little to adjust his eyes to the sudden change of light, for he had been in the darkness to the last moment.
Standing there, his shoulders leaning against the doorframe, his suspicion came true: Kevin and Aj were standing in front of each other, fury dancing in flames around them. Coming closer seemed like stepping in the lions dean but he had to risk it.
“What is your problem? Do you really want to die?”
The older one was standing in the middle of the long hallway, his long dark hair all messy and he was wearing only a shirt and pajama’s pants, like he had just woken up at the first loud sound. Kevin has always been a light sleeper and didn’t need a lot of hours of sleeping to function at the top of his energies. But his face didn’t wore any signs of sleep, only a quite undisputable mask of anger.
Not many people could catch the different level of anger harbored in the man: Kevin tend to scream and raise his voice only when he was scared to death for something or someone, Alex in that case. Even though they may had not sense the gravity of the situation or the true depth of Aj’s despair, they weren’t blind in seeing how different their friend was. That fear now held captive the always calm and logical one among them, the one they could always depend on in finding solution to every problem. That was the reason why Kevin was shouting without caring if prying ears were hiding around a corner to get the last gossip.
“No, what’s your problem? it’s my life and last time I check you aren’t my father so lay off!”
The younger was stumbling yet kept walking towards the room he remember was his but couldn’t really pinpoint straight away. The fight between Kevin and Aj were epic, one always firm in following the rules and the other always ready to find ways to break them. This was another level, this could be the last resort and whatever words would be used, they would remember that for the years coming. Blinded by his own despair, lost in a web of self harm and hurt, Aj couldn’t see the damage his actions had on the people closer to him.
“Lay off? You are ruining everything! Tonight you came on stage totally drunk!” Kevin’s reply wasn’t meant to be insensitive but they were artists, singers and musicians, and their appearance was an important key to their success. Showing up on stage totally drunk could ruin any credibility they may have gather... as bad as it may seemed, music wasn’t a business for sweet, caring and understanding juries.
“Guys, can you please take this to one room? There is no need to make a scene in the hallway...” Howie stood before Brian, for his room was just closer than his and being the diplomatic one he was trying to make peace between the two fighters. Across the hall, just hanging against the doorframe, stood Nick but his eyes weren’t looking the pair but were fixed on Brian, like he was trying to decode whatever expression he held.
Nick, the only one who knew how much Brian cared for Aj, was starting to place the pieces in the right place, though his worry was directed mostly towards his best friend as he came to realize how much that situation weighted on his shoulders.
But, along with that, there was a tiny yet growing flame on anger: how in hell Brian thought to handle the situation all by himself? Why didn’t he trust someone else?
Yeah, because as always Brian thought that he could solve everything by himself and didn’t want to bother others.
Between feeling betrayed by Brian and sorry for him, Nick didn’t do anything because he didn’t know what was the right thing to do. And he couldn’t help to feel like he was the one betraying his best friend.
“D, just shut up! Nobody has asked you to interfere!”
Howie was taken aback by the harsh reply from the once who just a little time ago had been his best friend but that man, that desperate man standing there, wasn’t the little boy he met: much skinner that he feared he could count his ribs and the shaking indicated how badly he was craving for something. Gosh, how could they not see how worse things were?
“Jay, you need help.” Brian said, making his presence noticed and using the more formal nickname. He used “Alex” only in two occasions, which were in his thoughts and were he and Aj were alone. “You’re gonna kill yourself.” His voice was firm, just like Christian had said, but love and tenderness still found a way to express themselves.
As soon as words left Brian’s mouth, Aj’s head snapped towards him with a hateful stare that made his blood turn cold. “You! You betrayed me!” Aj accused him, which made sense, it was the easy and logical consequence to draw. But it pained Brian to think that Aj could believe that he would do something behind his back.
“No, Alex... I didn’t.”
“Oh, and I suppose to believe that mister here found out the story all by himself?”
This time, Kevin looked straight towards Brian. “Bri, is it true? You knew?”
“Yes, Brian, why don’t you tell him how many times you have lied to me saying that no one would ever found out?”
“Alex, I didn’t tell him! if you think that no one noticed your addiction, you have really lost your mind!”
“I’m not addicted!”
Kevin turned his attention back to Aj. With Brian he could really talk later, right now Aj was more important. “Aj, you’ve got a problem. And you need help. We can’t let you go on like that, it’s not good for you and for us.”
“Yes, might ruin the image of the group.” Aj bickered. “Listen Kev, I don’t know what choirboy told you but, come on, it’s only one or two beers!”
Even if he would regret it, Brian stepped in. “It’s more than one or two, Alex.” Although he kept his promise, now that it was out in the open he couldn’t stay silent about that anymore. He would regret it as soon as Aj would be safe and sound but... yeah, the boy needed help.
“More like?” Kevin asked, his brows settled in a stern line. He really didn’t like the fact that Brian had kept that secret, not only because it was something that got him really mad, not being in control of things. But it wasn’t only because of that, because he had been kept in the dark. No, it was more than that, it was more likely his protective side kicking in because, as always, Brian didn’t think of what harm could come in his way, he was so careless sometimes that it was kinda of annoying.
“Don’t you fucking tell! It’s not your business, fucking Littrell!” Aj screamed abruptly as Brian was starting to answer and the lash out forced Brian to step back. The anger was harder to push it just aside, especially in front of everyone. Alone, only the two of them, he could master the strength to just wipe away his tears, knowing perfectly that a throwing up Aj couldn’t see it. His eyes started to burn even more when he realized that nobody was going to stand up for him, afraid to be the next target of Aj’s fury. He straightened up his back, showing that he wasn’t afraid or he wasn’t a little boy who can’t defend himself.
“I won’t tell, Jay, because you are the one who will tell everybody how much you love the bottle instead of yourself or us. I’m sorry if you think that I’ve told the truth but it doesn’t matter, now. They know and they are worried about you.” Brian didn’t know how he could be there speaking so calmly but he was doing and it was only pressed by the fear and the love. One, two steps and he was standing only a few inches away from Aj’s face. “I think I’m talking on behalf of everyone when I say that we don’t care about shows and concert. Your health is more important than everything else. Because Backstreet Boys wouldn’t be the same if you die.”
Kevin came and stood by Brian’s side. “Brian’s right. That’s why I’ve talked with management and found an agreement. We found a rehab center in Arizona where no one could find you and they’re expecting you by tomorrow morning. Tour has been postponed by a month but, if you will need some times longer, we can arrange for plus days.”
“What? I don’t care, I’m better now, I just need to sleep off the alcohol!”
Brian just reached out an arm to grab the younger man and pulled him in his embrace. He honestly didn’t care if the guys saw his gesture, he just wanted to protect the man he loved so much. “Please, Alex...” he pleaded hoarsely through Aj’s hairs. “... I can’t stand anymore. Even if you don’t believe, people still love you and still need you. Please, get help because no one here could survive and go on knowing what you did to yourself.”
Mixed feelings took control of Aj: on one hand Aj was overwhelmed by the amount of love sweeping through the embrace, reminding him the reason why he always went to Brian after a rough night; somewhere inside his soul had made its way and Aj had cling to that warm feeling; every time he felt alone and useless, Brian was there to remind him that he wasn’t so unlovable as he made himself think. But, on the other, he couldn’t shake the paranoia and blaming Brian was easier than blaming himself.
That’s why he shrieked away from the hug, just some inches to be able to look in the man’s eyes. “You’re leaving me.” Aj said in a low tone that could be heard only by Brian. “I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. Guess I was wrong, for you I was only a pity party, one of your charity because your life is so fucking perfect that you feel to get right everyone around you.”
Brian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How can Aj believe that his life was perfect? He was nowhere close to perfection, far from it in reality. The harsh tone was something he didn’t expect from Aj, he couldn’t believe that this was the idea Aj had about him. So that was the reason why nobody cared about him? Because they all believed that he hadn’t any problem?
“Alex... it’s not like that...” he tried to say but Aj wasn’t really paying attention to him. Even if Aj had his back towards him, oh, he could heard the last three words Aj spoke to him. “I hate you.”
***************************************
Brian couldn’t remember what happened after Aj said that he hated him. Flashes kept running through his mind, words about “rehabilitation” and “program” or something like that were the only things he could grasped but, for the rest, he just stayed kneeled down, in the same position he was while holding Aj just a few minutes before.
What had he done?
Why everything was coming back at him, sharp line a knife, and went directly at his heart?
Slowly, he got up, not bothering to look if someone was still around. His world had been shattered, reduced to a crumpled place surround by darkness. He felt lost, so much more than ever because, before, he held on the hope that one day the man he loved could love him in return. Now, he couldn’t even believe, hate was a stronger feeling that weakly he could fight but couldn’t win over.
And he couldn’t even understand why Alex believed so strongly that he betrayed his trust. He didn’t and, if Aj had been aware of everything, he could have seen how he didn’t have any chance to do since no one talked to him. Stranded, pushed to a corner, the only solace were those moments when he felt needed by Alex.
Suddenly, a hand grabbed his arm, forcing him to turn around and met the angry face of his cousin.
“You owe us some explanation.” He said sternly, playing the father role. “Why you didn’t tell us?”
Brian opened his mouth but nothing came out, every words had been closed in his throat by the sob that wanted to escape. He didn’t want to stay there, he just wanted to hide forever and drowning in his pain.
“I’ve asked you a question and I want an answer. Now.”
Behind Kevin, Brian saw Howie and Nick and he asked them silently an help; but they just lowered their heads, nobody wanted to face an angry Kevin. And they both wanted to hear what Brian had to say in his defense.
“He made me promised to never say anything.”
“Why? I get the reason why he didn’t want to tell but... you! You know better! Did you really think that you could save him?”
“I did what I thought was right.”
With that, Brian turned to leave but the grip on his hand became tighter.
“I’m not finished with you.”
“I do. I’m tired and I want to sleep.”
“Well, the tour is cancelled so you’ll have all the time you need and want to sleep.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything. I tried to help him but I failed. You came and save him, you’re the hero. What’s more to say?”
“Why. You are much clever to know that you couldn’t save him by yourself. As much as I love how big your heart is, what Aj needed wasn’t someone to hold his hand while throwing up but someone who stood up and let him saw how fucked he was. Did you want to see him die? Because that’s where the direction he was going to!” Kevin’s screaming didn’t nothing more than elevate the despair longing inside his soul but... the anger couldn’t be restrain any longer. Brian was tired to be the one always screamed at, he already beaten up himself hundred times but hearing that thought out loud, coming from one person he always believed would be at his side no matter what... that broke something inside him. A red feeling started to warm up
“You really wanna know why? Because I’m fucking in love with him! And I really thought that if I loved him a little bit more night after night, if I was a little stronger to support both of us... I was fucking wrong but I love him!”
Tears were running down his face and he didn’t do anything to stop them, there was no use and they were the perfect cover to not see the disappointment and shame that surely were flaming Kevin’s eyes.
“You don’t have to tell me that he could have died because I was there the two times he overdosed! If it wasn’t for me, for my stupid and masochist love for him...” no, Brian couldn’t say, neither thought, the consequences if he didn’t step in the room or if he didn’t have the cold rationality to pick up the man and brought him to the nearby hospital.
“Brian...”
The voice didn’t belonged to Kevin, who was still lashing at him after the shocking news. Neither to Howie, who had latched himself at the phone and started planning the flight for Aj the next morning.
It belonged to Nick but he didn’t really care anymore. He didn’t want to care anymore. Why did he have to care when nobody hadn’t been there for him for a long time?
“I’m sorry.” He just managed to say before the sob overtook him. He stumbled in his room and just collapsed on the floor, curling up himself in a ball as the tears kept coming, endless and stronger any minute passed.
Everything was ruined, his relationship with his own cousin was devastated by the secret he kept to himself. And his broken heart was a result of his own actions, the refuse to seek help when he knew he wasn’t strong enough.
An hour, two or three passed but the tears didn’t subside. As he laid there, on a cold floor, he couldn’t escape the loneliness that filled his already numb body, aching with every sob that wrecked every bone. He could hear, over and over again, a mix of Aj and Kevin’s words, like little ghost that came only to haunt him for their fun.
The truth, the ultimate truth, hurt much more than everything: he was alone.
Through the haze of tears and despair, he felt someone calling him. At first, he didn’t recognize the voice because it wasn’t an angry tone or he wasn’t screaming hurtful words; in fact, the voice was tender and so full of tenderness that made Brian drowning once more in his shattered world, for he thought that was only a mere production of his mind.
He was alone so why someone took time to come to him?
But the voice didn’t falter or fade, on the contrary it grew stronger like it wanted to be heard over the cries. So he tried to open his eyes, a hard task since his eyelashes were glued together by the tears but, when he finally accomplished the task, he was rewarded by the sight of two deep green eyes, full of concern and worry.
“Chris?” he managed to ask, although it sounded hoarser than he ever thought.
“Hey.” Christian was kneeling beside Brian, a hand pressed on his wrist with a thumb running a circle over his palm. “I was worried when you didn’t call me back. I tried to call you but you never answered so I got worried and found where you were staying.”
Christian lightly brought up the other hand to Brian’s cheek, brushing away a few tears with his thumb before his hand slid down and tilted up Brian’s chin up. “What happened?” he asked subtly.
At first, Brian tried to avoid Christian’s gaze, gosh, what did he was thinking by finding him crying like a child that had lost his precious toy? Shame swelled inside him and he wanted more than just hide forever. But, when his blue eyes the green ones, he saw nothing than love and concern practically pouring out of them, forcing him to just melt down and be surrounded by Christian’s arms.
“I’m all alone.” Brian choked out, cursing silently as another wave of tears slipped away from his control. “They all blame me for what happened. And Alex... he hates me!”
“It’s impossible to hate you, Brian.”
“But he does! And... gosh, I just wanted to help him! Why am I such a failure?” Brian hide himself between his knees. “What have I done? I’ve tried my best but it wasn’t enough and... and they left me.”
Christian remained silent for a moment, weighting wisely the words to use: Brian was on the verge to the breaking point so he needed just a little push, nothing too hard to send him into the extreme but hard enough to have Brian surrendered to him. First, he had to cut all the ropes still hanging around the other four, especially that Alex.
“You’re not a failure, don’t ever say that again!” Christian replied in a stern tone, causing Brian to look up with a scared gaze. “Don’t you see what they are trying to do? They know how wonderful you are, much better than themselves, so they are trying to bring you down.”
Brian didn’t understand fully what Christian was saying yet his words were kinda making sense, even if it was a twisted way. Oh, certainly, a part of him ached to defend his friends but after what happened his mind refused to inflict more harm on itself.
“Alex chose to blame you because he knew that he was using you. Oh, I bet he knows what are your feelings for him and he played on them to get what he wanted. He toyed with your emotions, he knew you would do everything for him and you would gladly take all the blame instead of him.”
Christian’s voice was so tempting, Brian was so close to believe every words pouring down from those delicious lips, close to his ears. Oh, how long had been since someone had hugged him and was being strong for him? Too much time, Brian really tried to be strong but he was crumbling down and, for the first time since ever, there was someone ready to pick him up.
Brian did the only thing he could think of, he leaned in the embrace and let himself soaked up by love and comfort.
“Let me be there for you, Brian. I can be strong for the both of us, I can be strong for you. You have always been the strong one, never let them show your weakness or when you were hurting because, deep down, you know that they can’t never be able to give you what you deserve.”
“Why? Why do you care so much for me?” Brian couldn’t believe that a complete stranger would be so caring when his own best friends abandoned him. He searched in those emerald eyes something that could tell him that everything was a lie, how could a stranger want to be there for him? And, most important, how could he let himself believe another time? If... if he believed Christian, if he let that man inside his life, what would happen to him when Christian will be out of his life?
“I won’t leave you, even if I will find out dark secrets, I’ll stick with you, Brian. You are a gold treasure, I’ll be stupid if I let you go.”
Logic couldn’t win this war, couldn’t battle the deep despair and anguish in Brian’s heart. So it silenced and let its doubt go away.
What Brian had more to lose? Nothing, nothing more now that he lost the man he loved and his friends.
So he surrendered.
In defeat, he gave Christian full access to his mind, his soul as the weight pressed on his body seemed to float away from him.
Tears kept coming as he wept but this time he wasn’t alone, this time there was a voice soothing his cries as arms enclosed around him and touches light as feathers sparkled love all over him.
“You’re a beautiful soul.” Christian kept repeating while stroking Brian’s curls. “Let me love you.”
Brian said nothing, though his mind was ready to object about how he was so unlovable.
Time seemed to stop, no sound was audible but the quiet sniffing of a complete drained Brian.
“Don’t leave me alone.” A small plead escaped Brian’s lips while, curled up inside Christian’s embrace, he tightened the already death grip on the boy’s shirt.
Christian placed a soft kiss on Brian’s head as, unnoticed, an evil grin curved his lips. “I won’t.”
Oh, he wouldn’t let Brian alone because, better than he had planned, his plan worked.
Brian was his and no one would have ever touched one of his possession.