4 Months ago -
He loved watching the sunset, that’s why he was there, sitting on a lonely bench in a park somewhere in Atlanta.
Orange clouds were dancing in the sky as blue and pink mixed up together in a light violet that seems to envelope the last rays of light. A warm breeze caressed the branches of the trees, a gentle touch upon flower’s petals, lifting up in the air their sweet perfume.
As he sat there, he watched a leaf spread its way in the sky, flying away from everything, up beyond the downing sun. How he wished to be like that leaf, free to fly away with nothing holding him back and just let the wind guide him somewhere where the pain would be gone.
Life, his life, was just a giant mess and he couldn’t point out when it started to go down. It was like, one morning he wake up and found out that all the colors were gone, he was surrounded only by black and white figures. Nothing would stir up his interest, like when Nick made fun of Kevin’s hair, he just stood there emotionless, even him could hear how fake his laughter was. But... no one noticed it, they just laughed together and went doing something, leaving him alone in the dressing room.
Loneliness.
It was a strange feeling, being lonely without being completely alone because he was always surrounded by multiple of faces but... what got him was the fact that he had been shoved aside many times, so many he couldn’t even count, that he knew that, even if he would just screamed all the anguish he had bottled inside, nobody would take the time to ask him why. Or, maybe, they just would been afraid he was having a stroke or an heart attack, something it could ruin their little perfect plans. So, it was easier to just internalize everything he felt and just going on with his routine.
Still, loneliness knew him and stood by him and ended up to be his only company nowadays, no one really paid attention or cared for him anymore. He didn’t mean that he wanted to be the center of attention constantly but... he just wanted to feel needed.
Needed and loved, not only from his friends.
He watched with jealousy every couple he came across with and took notice on the way their eyes sparkled when they looked at each other like only lovers could do; he felt his heart beating painfully at the ache of being held, even with just an arm wrapped around the waist and his head laying on someone’s else shoulder; he cried because he feared that he would never know what it felt to have someone by his side, supporting him when he went crazy about his little obsession with the cleaning or stayed with him during his marathon of Disney films... he missed the little things, like walking in a park holding hands and speaking quietly about their future, or just watching a film cuddled up, a smoothing hand between his hair.
Brian knew he was lucky but right now would have given up everything – money, fame, screaming girls and all the glitters – just to have someone beside him sharing his fortune, his good days along with the bad ones.
“Do you mind if I sit here?”
Brian looked up and saw a man, in his twenties, maybe just a few years older than him; he was tall and well built but his eyes were what attracted him most: a emerald green that attracted him like an invincible force. He felt himself lost in those oceans, so lost that he forgot the question asked or a simple thing like breathing. Among all the benches free, this beautiful man had chosen to come and sit with him and not the other way around. It could mean nothing, like he had seen him so down that pity pushed him to come and talk to him, but it could be that, maybe, he wasn’t so invisible like he had thought of himself lately.
“Oh no, I don’t.” Regained composure, Brian shifted himself to make place for the man to sit. “I’m Brian.” He added, holding out his right hand.
“I’m Christian.” The man answered, shaking Brian’s hand while he sat down beside him. “I love this angle of the park. It’s always quiet because the playground is on the other side so it’s the perfect place to just relax and let one’s mind wander around.”
Christian’s voice was charming like his looks: moderate and pleasant, firm and strong but not dictator or full of himself. But there was an aura of confidence that appealed Brian, yet he envied it and it brought back memories of a time when he was like him.
“I’m not from here.” Brian replied. “But I can see why you love this place so much.”
“Where are you from?” Christian asked and Brian stared at him open mouthed. It was so rare to find someone who didn’t know who he was. And it felt so good, right now he needed to be the simple Brian Littrell. “From your accent, I guess South but I can’t really tell which area.”
“Kentucky.”
“And may I ask what brought you here in Atlanta?”
“Business.”
“You know, sometimes it’s better to talk to a totally stranger instead to someone who knows you.” He just said, looking straight ahead him. “It’s just that I saw you there, looking like you don’t have nowhere to go and... well, and a beautiful face like yours shouldn’t have this sad look.”
Brian felt himself blushing at the genuine compliment, something he didn’t receive in what felt like billions years. But he was careful with people he didn’t know. You don’t know who’s behind the mask.
“Why do you think I’m sad?”
“It’s just... your eyes should be lighten up the park now that the sun is coming down. Instead, they’re only a dull blue.”
People always told him that he was a really bad liar because they can tell the truth just looking in his eyes, like the old saying that eyes, especially those with light color, are really the mirror of one’s soul.
Right now, he hated it and he was quite tempted to buy colorful lens just to avoid those kind of questions.
“I’m so easy to read even for a stranger?” he quietly questioned.
“I think it’s easier for strangers to pick up something different. Friends take for granted the fact that you don’t usually have big problems so, if they see something out of place, they just brush it off as a bad day.”
Brian stared at him surprised.
“Am I right?” Christian asked, cocking his head on the side.
“Too much. It’s like you know me better than my best friends.”
“I’ve got a degree in psychology, I really wanted to become a psychologist but then my father died and I’ve got to take control of the family factory. That didn’t stop me to cultivate my interests in how the human’s mind works. And, add to that, I’m a observatory for nature so I tend to pick up little signs that even one closer can’t see.”
“What do you see in me?” Brian asked, intrigued by that.
“Right now, you’re feeling like you’re walking around with an invisible cloak on your shoulders. Usually, you’re the one who makes everyone smile and happy but now that you’re the one in needing, your friends are so busy with their lives that they can’t see how much you’re hurting. And you’re so good in hiding your sorrow but... you wonder if it’s worth the price.”
With a faraway look in his eyes, Brian gazed over the top lines of the trees: one time, someone told him that whenever he was, if he tried really hard, he could sharpen the outlines of guardian angels flying in the sky. Oh, how he needed someone right now, someone who can tell him what to do or that it was right feeling that way. But it felt so wrong doubting his friend’s love... still, they had done it before, why they shouldn’t do now?
“You keep wondering why they couldn’t pick up your s.o.s. or why they seem to forget about you. You were there for them every time, let them talk and rant about all their problems and now they can’t find a spare moment for you?”
How could this man knew him so well? “How...?”
“I was in your spot many years ago. I was the kind of guy who would have gone to hell for his friends and... what did that get me in return? Nothing! I was left alone when my dad died.”
Compassion flew naturally through Brian’s vein and, as nothing bothered him, he reached out and placed an hand on Christian’s. “I’m sorry. I wish I had met you then so you wouldn’t be all alone.” He said with a kind and gentle tone that couldn’t impossible be fake or forced.
Christian smiled. “Thank you.”
“Nobody should ever leave alone in those situations. It’s just cruel.”
“You’re a good guy, Brian. Really a sweetheart.”
That man, a total stranger, had picked up everything he was feeling without even knowing him first. Why didn’t Nick see that? Wasn’t him his best friend?
“Sometimes I feel so alone and it’s the weirdest feeling because my heart knows that I’ve got a lot of people who care about me but... when you’ve been hurt, left alone without a reason when you needed them the most, it’s hard to just get past the ache. You keep wondering why they left you or if they will do another time. And, days after days, it’s all you keep thinking of until you convince yourself that they just don’t need you.”
A hand was placed upon his, a gentle and friendly squeeze so strange since it came from a stranger.
“I’ve became someone I can’t recognize anymore. Where is myself gone? I was a happy guy, I was happy with simple things like just singing and hanging out with my friends. I was happy with my life, how could not I? I was living a dream, going around the world and singing!” Brian looked down, aware of his tears streaking upon his face. “I’m lost, it’s like everyone is changing and I’m still the old Brian... I don’t want things to change, I was happy the way they were! I don’t know what to do. I don’t wanna hurt anymore.” He knew he was rambling nonsense things and Christian couldn’t understand half of what was being said but he didn’t care. For so long he kept everything inside and just being able to relieve some of it was a temptation he couldn’t fight. When he tilted up his head he expected to see a shocked and confused stare but, for his surprise, he was met with only comprehending. Something he never thought he could find in someone else, let alone a stranger.
“I don’t think you’re lost, Brian. Yourself will always be inside of you, ready for the right moment to come out of his hiding.”
A small smile appeared on Brian’s face. “How can I be so sure? Here I am, talking to a complete stranger who I don’t know if he’s a journalist or a paparazzi. Why do I feel I can trust you?”
Christian wipe away a little drop escaped from those light eyes and he left there his fingers, resting upon his cheek. For a long moment it was like everything stopped, frozen in something that no one could really explain, neither Brian who found himself lost in those emerald eyes, showing a feeling he forgot it really existed: love. It was a warm feeling, a force that was attracting him towards those lips curved in a radiating yet understanding smile. This man, this stranger, had lived through what he was going through right now, he wasn’t offering words just to be gentle. Those words came directly from his heart.
Without noticing, he was leaning his face in the hand, doing nothing as Christian’s forehead came closer and closer. It would had taken nothing to just let himself soaked up in a loving gesture of affection but control and rationality raised up and stopped him before he would do something very stupid.
What the hell he was thinking? Kissing a stranger in the middle of a park? Panic and fear got an hold of him, pushed him to stand up and looking around frantically to see if there was a camera hidden somewhere. When he thought that the coast was clear, he looked to the man still sitting on the bench. “I’m sorry... I’ve gotta go... People...” he mumbled, never looking directly at the man’s eyes.
“I understand.” Christian said, not fazed by the sudden change in Brian’s demeanor. “If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, this is my number.” He added, lending Brian a simple card with his number written on.
“Thank you.” Brian simply answered, taking the slip of paper and put it in one of the pocket of his jacket. “It’s been a pleasure to meet you.” He added, offering a little smile, surely not the one he was famous for. But, for the first time, it felt real, not forced just to not worry his friends.
“”””Mine too.”
Christian watched Brian disappearing behind the trees. Damn, he surely was a good actor! That or Brian was really a easily trusting guy, despite how weak and fragile was now.
A smirk curved his lips, the first step of his plan had went too well, already he had the buy wrapped around his fingers.
He took out of his jacket his cigarettes and lighted up one; as he inhaled the smoke in a big breath, he thought about Brian. He knew the guy, how couldn’t he when his face was all over the city? Something about that good country boy stroke in him, a needing to possess that body and make him only own.
It had taken weeks to really comprehend what was happening: the first time he saw those blue eyes, he felt something snapped in him, like an old feeling hidden somewhere under a cold heart.
He knew it would be an easy task to accomplish, won over Brian’s heart and body would be so easy, for Brian was already so fragile and in needing of someone to love him that he would hold on to everyone who showed him a little sign of affection. His world was literally crumpling down and, from what he had gathered, no one of his friends seemed to see him fell.
Taking another breath of smoke, Christian knew that he had to play that button, only by that he could have a complete broken man lying in his arms.
And he already could imagine every little thing he would do to that marvelous body.