Saying that AJ was beyond shock was an understatement. There were no words to even describe a little bit what he was feeling in that very moment, observing a man he had grown up with who looked like a total stranger.
Brian a hooker? No hell, no way it was even possible to comprehend! Shouldn’t that be like an oxymoron or a contradiction?
He blinked his eyes quickly and repeatedly, maybe he just fell asleep while waiting for the real Angel guy to appear and his subconscious had created this virtual reality where Brian was his Angel. But when he opened his eyes again, nothing had changed.
Still, leaning on the doorframe with a nonchalant look, stood Angel, ready to do his next move.
Although there was no mistake about the fact that was indeed Brian, that man was so different, there was a whole new different aura around him, a confident man who knew how much his mere presence was affecting whoever was in the room with him.
The short curls AJ loved were gone, replace by a straightness that highlight the firm and square jaw and… wait! Black eyes? Where in the hell had gone the blue?
And… what the hell he was wearing?
He had always believed that Brian hid himself underneath layers and layers of clothes, like way too oversized sweaters and loose jeans, as like he was ashamed of his body. Now, he was standing there wearing the tightest leather pants AJ ever saw that did nothing in hiding how well packed was Brian. Just the mere thought made AJ hard and his throat went suddenly dry.
Brian didn’t react seeing who was his client that night. He would have freaked out in the morning, when logic and rationality would take up control again and let them deal with the consequences of having sex with one of the guys. Yet, there was something about that situation, the risk connected, that made everything hotter and turned him on.
Lord knew how much he was attracted to his bandmate but never had the nerve to admit to anyone, much less to AJ.
Rejection was his main fear so he had to play casually whenever he was around him, mainly because he was so convicted that AJ was straight as hell, and all his past girlfriends and occasionally lovers had proven how much AJ was good between sheets.
For once in his life he was going to be the one who would bring the man to the highest level of pleasures and that was a chance he couldn’t let it pass.
“I’m not Brian.” So he breathed in a husky voice that made AJ shiver. “I’m Angel and I’ll be yours all night.”
“What the hell is going on here? It’s some kind of twisted and perverted joke?”
A grin appeared on Brian’s face. “Why do you think it’s a joke?”
“Well... let me see. My friends set me up with a so called Angel and who I find? You?”
Angel took a step forward AJ, slowly and very languid. “As I said, I’m Angel.” He said. “I bet you don’t know who Angel is.” A sudden rush of ecstasy came over Brian as he realized that AJ was unaware of his reputation and this, oh yeah, this was getting the situation really more interesting.
“No, I don’t.” AJ answered, with a slight tremor in his voice.
“Well.” Angel said, licking his lips. “Angel is someone who can bring you so much pleasure like never felt before. And you... you don’t have to do nothing apart from telling me what’s your ultimate fantasy and I can make it come true.”
Okay, now AJ was more shocked than ever and was really on the verge to believe that he had stepped in an alternative reality, a parallel dimension were Brian was this so charming man and with a so called amazing knowledge on pleasure and sex. And it wasn’t like he didn’t believe that the real Brian wasn’t charming or so, man, if he had dreamt about those arms and biceps! But this was so awkward and too much unbelievable.
“There are some rules, still.” Angel/Brian said. “No talking, no question about why I’m doing this or such. And what happens in this room, stays here.”
“And if I talk to someone? Like your cousin?”
Brian shrugged his shoulders. He wasn’t afraid and that threat was useless. “I bet you probably have to tell him about your little secret too.”
Mouth completely opened in wide shock. That’s how AJ reacted at those words and his brain couldn’t, due to lack of oxygen, came up with a smirk reply.
“And I bet he doesn’t even care about what I’m doing. So... why worry?”
If AJ had been in a right frame of mind, he would have pick up the sad and toneless remark, spoken in a merely whisper as Brian walked closer to him. And, if he indeed had picked up, he would have forced Brian to explain the sudden defeated look in his eyes.
But, no such of luck. And the moment came and gone without recognition, slipping through unconscious fingers and flying away from the room.
“Everyone has secrets... and no one is really what you see with your eyes.” Brian added, now so close to AJ that he could lowed his voice to a simply whisper. “But we’re talking and, unless you like some dirty chat during sex, we should use our mouths in other ways.”
AJ couldn’t escape nowhere, no with Brian’s body pressed so close to him; he tried but his efforts only caused him to land with his back on the bed, black satin sheets around him.
“Exactly what I have in mind for you.” Brian said crawling in the bed right behind the other man. “I bet you love doing rough, right? Teasing, reaching the peak and then stop only to start once again. You love dominate but you’re intrigued about being the one submissive.” A hand came up, caressing AJ’s leg starting from the foot then up, nearly inches far from his inner thigh. As AJ opened his eyes, which he didn’t realized he had closed before, he found Brian on his side, the other arm was supporting him under his head.
Closer than ever before, AJ could only stared in admiration on that body, wanting more than devour every little part of the blond and hearing him screaming his name. A shiver ran all over his body as his mind filled up with amazing and sexy imagines of Brian moving under him, beggin him for more and more. But... he would like to be the submissive from time to time, be the one the ultimate center of pleasure and... gosh, that mouth... he bet it could do miracle!
Lost in his thoughts, AJ didn’t see Brian scooped up on him, hands caressing and straddling him like he was sand; he gasped when he felt suddenly Brian’s, no Angel’s, fingers along his chin, resting there for the longest moment before going up, stroking his ears, making its way over his eyebrows and then they were going down, reaching his lips.
“You’re so beautiful.” AJ’s attention turned to the lips pressed against his ear. A warm breath washed over him, sending chills and tremors along his spine, gosh, Brian surely knew how to work a man.
“Bri...” he tried to say, it was wrong doing that, taking advantage of something he didn’t understand, let alone comprehend.
“Hush.” Angel said, pressing his fingers on the lips. “I know that you want this, let it happen.”
AJ closed his eyes, groaning: what was it about that man’s voice that could send shivers all over his body with just a little word? It was getting harder and harder to fight the multiple sensations that were hitting him, a vortex in which he would willingly got lost if it wasn’t for the oddly situation.
“It’s not right.” He managed to say, gathering some courage left lord knew where. Angel’s response was a little nibbling on his earlobe, something that always turned him on.
How in the hell did he know that?
Something must had shown on his face because Angel kept nibbling and sucking. “You wondering how I know? I know a lot of things, I know how to pleasure someone. That’s why I’m so requested.”
AJ tried to think a way to stop all that madness but every inch of his body was screaming for the pleasure it was receiving. He was surely dreaming, this couldn’t be his Brian, the little shy guy who didn’t like to speak about his love life and got embarrassed anytime he used a dirty joke.
“Tell me what you like. Tell me what you want me to do, it doesn’t matter because nothing will ever go out from this room. I can be whoever you like and I can do everything you asked me to.”
Angel lived for that, lived for making every lovers feel good, hearing them moaning caught up in the pleasure he was giving them. And being able to do that to AJ, gosh that was so powerful.
Something clicked in AJ. “Anything?” he asked, pretending it would be something about sex.
“Yes.” Breathed Brian, his fingers travelling down and resting on AJ’s shirt.
AJ caught Brian’s hand and in a quick and sudden move he rolled them, pinning Brian under him. “I wanna know what the hell are you doing! How in the world you end up doing this?”
For a brief moment, a different light shone in those once blue eyes and it was something he had only saw reflected in his own eyes back when he was abusing drugs and alcohol: despair, anguish and pain were like flames around those black pools. But quick as it came, it was gone, replaced by a fiery look. “Nothing you should worry about.”
“I’m worried, Bri. This... this isn’t like you!”
Brian laughed, a dry laughter meant to be sarcastic. “You don’t know shit about me.”
“Well, that’s for sure.” AJ replied. A frown appeared on his face, the question rolling out of his mouth before he could think it over. “Is someone blackmailing you?” but still it was the only one reason he could came up to justify this act so un Brian.
“No. I’m here because I want to. So get off your mind whatever crazy ideas you’ve came up with.”
With a shrug, Brian rolled out from AJ’s grasp and sat up on the edge of the bed, giving AJ his back. He straightened up his shirt, taking his time to readjust the buttons, something really hard to do because of the shaking of his hands.
He has been rejected, once again. He had let his guard down, Brian had came out and once again had been turned down, pushed away like rubbish.
You’re nothing.
No, he was Angel!
Angel was more than nothing, people wanted his services!
Angel had never been rejected and this wouldn’t be his first time. He needed it, he needed the connection, he needed to feel something. Or he would just be an empty corpse, someone so lifeless...
“Bri?” a voice pushed him out of his trance. AJ was still there and didn’t understand what’s going on.
“I’ve told you I’m not Brian. Not here.”
He felt AJ coming behind him, a gentle touch on his shoulder. Something inside him raised up, a need to linger in that gesture full of concern, a need to finally talk to someone... not AJ, though. Not him, neither one of the others. They wouldn’t understand, they only would be worried about their image and reputation...
“Just tell me why.”
“One rule, no question.” Brian just repeated like a broken tape. “Now, just tell me what you want to do or just leave.”
AJ didn’t have to think it over. “I can’t have sex with you like that.”
“Your body told me otherwise.”
“That’s because I’m a man!”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know it before you told me!”
A little smirk came up in AJ. That was something his Angel would say so that meant that somewhere underneath that disguise, Brian was still alive.
“Well... I guess tonight is full of surprise. I didn’t know you were a hooker!”
“Think whatever you want. I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
“No, you don’t. but... this is so...”
“Stop before it, please. Either you are to do something or...” Brian arched his eyebrows and crossed his arms over his chest. “... you can leave. I don’t have all night and I bet there are a lot of men that would love to be in your position.”
“I think I will take the second option.”
“Well, it’s your loss.”
No other words were spoken between the two of them as AJ took his jacket and left the room; before he took a last glance at Brian, wishing that there was something he could do to make the man speak.
“Having a second thought?”
“No. I’m out. See you at rehearsal.”
Brian watched him going; a scream was choking him in his throat, the words “help” were trying to find a way out, confident that AJ would turn around and fix him. He tossed his head, biting back sobs and tears.
No one could fix him anymore.
It was too late.
###########################
Sleep didn’t come easily that night for neither of them, although reasons and causes were different.
Brian was used to not sleep at night, especially nights were Angel wasn’t asked to be somewhere. Being Angel was exhausting and not only because of sex; it required energies to keep up his act and when he actually came back to his hotel room, he was so drained that he just slumped over the bed and slept dreamless, which was kinda a fortune for him.
Not such luck he got the nights where Angel wasn’t requested because he didn’t have any disguise or weapon to fight against the demons. So he just lay there in his bed, curled up in a ball and stared at the velvet blanket of darkness that seemed to envelope him; shadows danced around him, taunting with terrifying word about how he was left alone. And, among them, there was the biggest demon, standing right in front of him, whispering all the past memories that he tried so hard to let it go.
See? Here you are, still crying over one of them. Didn’t you learn the lesson? They don’t want you, they never want you.
Brian clutched his eyes shut, trying so hard to ignore that voice. Still, it was so appealing that he couldn’t let himself stop to listen and believe those words.
Why do you run away from me?
I was the only one who loved you yet you ran away.
Now nobody is here for you, your precious Alex is probably laugh at you.
No, no, he was wrong! Alex wouldn’t do it, he wasn’t that kind of guy!
He just needed to... what? Explain him why he needed to be someone else? Why he felt so alone? In his heart he knew that if someone could understand him that would be AJ because he had been there, on his very path, walking on a thin rope. But in his mind, his distorted and broken mind, he couldn’t formulate the thought of opening his closet.
Not yet, not now and maybe never.
Feeling the demon coming closer, Brian opened his eyes and stood up, switching on the lamp on his bedside table. Light was the only weapon that could chase away that ghost.
Across the bed, on a chair, laid his jacket: he took it and searched for that phone. For a little while, Angel had to rest in case AJ or one of his friends spilled his real identity.
He asked Max only one thing, he let him keep all the money... freaking shit, why he couldn’t make sure that his clients didn’t know him!
“What’s the matter?” Max asked as soon as he answered the call. Angel had called him only once, when a guy had tried to receive more than what already had and, after that situation, he had made clear to screen first the guys who asked for Angel. “Did someone tried something on you?”
“I wanna know who were the guys that booked me tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because...” he snorted, starting to pace back and forth on the carpet. “... when I came in the room, I found myself with one of the guys!”
“Oh. I honestly didn’t know! They just wanted to do a surprise for a friend and they paid extra money for not ask ulterior information.”
“And it didn’t give you a bell? For Christ’s sake!”
“Angel, come on! Your bandmates aren’t the only gay singers out there! It could be everyone!”
“I know... it’s just... I didn’t want them to know...”
“Do you think he could tell the others about it?”
“No, I don’t think. He didn’t even tell the others that he is gay. Telling them my secret would mean tell about his and I don’t believe he’s ready yet. He probably doesn’t give a damn about their reaction...” that was something he really envied the younger man: he never worried about how he was going to be judged by others people, whether they were complete stranger or one close friend. He set his own rules and lived by them, trying in the same time to not hurt the ones around him. In the end of the day, AJ only tried to live his life at the best and tried to find his own happiness, regardless what was the common judgment. Brian, on the other part, had been raised in a religious family and environment, which was a little too much hypocritical for him since the Bible always said that only God can judge one’s sins. Yet, most of the people he knew was so quick in judging everyone else, for their look, clothes, words, where they live or where they send their children to school. So he grown up with this twisted idea to try always to please everyone and do the right thing. Which, most of the time, wasn’t the right thing for him.
“Then... I don’t understand what are you worried about.” Max said, snapping him back.
“Because...” Brian started to say but found that he couldn’t. Yes, AJ wouldn’t spill out his secret but now he knew and things... things were not going to be easy. The tiny voice of conscience told him than now more than never was the right moment to seek help, to spill all his secrets and find finally a pair of arms to be hold in; the same voice reminded him that AJ wasn’t the type to go around and talk about something that wasn’t his problem. But louder was the voice that screamed at him that soon the news of him being Angel would spread all around, people would laugh at him, his parents... oh, his parents would be so disappointed! No, no... he had to do something.
“... I don’t know, okay? Maybe... maybe it’s time to me to slow down... skip tomorrow so no one could make the connection...” blabbed Brian, popping down on a chair and rubbed his temples. He was nervous, all jittered as he wrinkled a hand over the synthetic fabric of his pants.
He didn’t want to do it, he needed to be Angel but how in the hell he could keep up his act?
“Calm down one second, okay?” came the calming reply from Max. “No one is suspecting you, they will probably pass it as a bad joke.”
Joke. He was a joke.
“But...” Max interrupted himself, hearing the sudden panicking breathe on the other part. Even though he spoke to him only through phone, he was becoming more and more fond and protective over the blonde guy. He was indeed a good guy, more level headed than other pop stars he knew, but he just got caught in a bad path. Still in his mind were the memory of the first time Angel had came to him, a totally blank light in his eyes and looking like he was trying to find his place in this world; he remembered that tiny voice told him that he had been taught on how to pleasure men and women and how he needed an escape.
Max didn’t know the extent of what had brought Angel in that situation, especially a man who had literally the world on his feet. It was so true the little old saying: “money can’t buy happiness”. But Angel... Angel didn’t belong to that world, even though he was damn good in his work. That’s why Max took him under his wing. “Angel, calm for me, okay? If you need a break, I won’t accept calling for tomorrow or for how long you need. And, remember, I won’t hold it against you if you want to stop, okay?”
“Stop?” mouthed Brian. “No, no! I don’t want to! I can’t! I just need a break, only tomorrow, okay?” Calmness was back not only in his tone but even in his mind: Angel had taken back the control, he couldn’t let another person to drop him like he was nothing. “Just call me the day after.” And with that dead reply, he closed the call and dropped the phone on his bed.
Still, Brian found himself more awake than before, energies didn’t used kept running through his veins and he knew he couldn’t find any way to sleep. Oh, sometimes he had thought about sleeping pills but he didn’t want to get addicted. He saw how AJ ended and he didn’t want to follow his path... and he hardly doubted that others would even care about him so it would be only a one way ticket to death.
That left him to find something else to do with the burst of energy that night like this left.
Sometimes, he just sat down and wrote song after song, in a month he had already consumed a whole notepad; still, that night writing didn’t seem a pleasant idea.
What could he do at that time of the night?
Oh right! Angel hadn’t finish with AJ and his friend was going to have a little surprise.
Not bothering about grabbing his jacket, he just picked up his key room and then headed out, his dark eyes lightened up with a lusted needing.
Someone was going to have a surprise, a totally unexpected visit from Angel.
####################
In another room, two doors down from Brian’s, AJ was wide awake, though he didn’t want to. He wanted to sleep and maybe waking up with the certainty that he had dreamt about Angel/Brian.
Something about Angel appealed him: the confidence he had about himself combined with the angelic looks of Brian stirred in him a longing and a need long forgotten. He had kept his love for Brian underneath the rebel look, the cocky one always around for some one night stand with random chicks. Or random guys who looked so like Brian.
The point was that it was totally unexpected and it felt so wrong. Brian could have any guy in the world, just in a blink of a eye so why did he have to sell his body? Plus, he didn’t need money so desperately so that couldn’t be used as an excuse. Or a justification.
Fragments of words were running in his mind but there was one thing that stood up clearly: the black eyes.
If there was something he loved most in Brian was his eyes: they weren’t too big neither too small but it wasn’t only for their shape. Its color was almost unique, never he had seen a so light blue, sometimes they were like ice and that meant that Brian was really mad or pissed off; sometimes they turned in a grayish gradation and usually it was when he was worried or sad. And then... the light that shone in those pools were something addictive and in a positive way. If he was sad or depressed or just felt low, one look at those eyes and he felt better.
“Why the dark lens?”
“Because I’m a dark angel. Light blue isn’t the color of my soul.”
That was something that kept coming back and forth in his mind. A dark soul... What could possibly led a sweetheart like Brian in a path like that? Why didn’t he talk to someone? Hadn’t what happened to him been a lection for everybody? He let everyone out of his life, afraid that they might not be able to understand and so sure that they couldn’t save him from the hell he buried himself in.
He knew Brian was a private person, one who wouldn’t go around and tell everybody his problems or troubles. One day, back when he was in rehab and Brian had came to visit him and they talked about a lot of things, personal and not. One stroked now his memory.
“I’m so used to be alone, you know? For all my life, people expected me to be weak, struggling with everyday activity because of my heart. I’ve learnt to hide all my weakness because I didn’t want to be treated differently. No matter if I proved them wrong, they are waiting for my next fall... That’s what is going to happen to you when you would be out. They expect you to fall down once again so all eyes would be on you.”
In that very day, AJ had really started to understand the older man. Why when his heart problem had risen up, he didn’t tell anybody until he was forced to due to the worsening of his condition. Why he never talked about what was bothering him and covered it up with his sense of humor and the jokes.
But this… this was so unbelievable!
He wanted to believe that the main reason was because something or someone had been forcing him. But, Angel was comfortable in his own skin and that was a sign that he indeed liked what he was doing.
A knock on the door pulled him out of his thoughts. It was very light that at first he didn’t hear it; still it had to be important if someone was up at... four o’clock? Why he, in first place, was still up!
“Coming!” he shouted as he rushed to the door. In front of him, when he opened the door, stood Brian, still in Angel’s clothes.
“Hey.”
“Rok?” asked AJ. Brian grimaced at the nickname, a too intimate nickname that nobody, other than the fans, used. Well, in fact to use a nickname, you had at least to talk with somebody. “Is it something wrong?” demanded then. Gosh, maybe leaving him in that room had caused trouble with whoever owed Brian.
“Can... can I come in?”
“What do you want?”
“I need to talk to you, okay?” Brian answered bitterly.
“Sure.” AJ said, opening the door and letting the man inside, not bothered about the attitude. He just kept saying himself that this wasn’t his Brian and, until he could find why he was like that, he would treat him like nothing had happened.
Like Brian, sweet angel Brian, was a hooker.
AJ was still closing the door when a hand came behind him and slammed the door shout.
“What the hell?” he asked facing Brian. But Brian didn’t listen neither bother to answer: he took AJ’s face in his hands and pressed their lips together. AJ tried to struggle against him but his body wouldn’t let him, it needed its release and was burning with anticipation. The kiss was full of passion mixed with lust, Brian’s lips were soft and tasted like sweet strawberry and his brain couldn’t process the fact that it was wrong, so wrong to do it because that man wasn’t who he loved.
But how could it be wrong when it felt so damn right? And there was no doubt that Brian was an amazing kisser and really knew how to mix pain and pleasure, alternating between sucking and biting. Unable to resist, his hands came up behind Brian’s head, locking around the neck and bringing Brian’s body closer. Grinning, Brian moved up to the next move, probing AJ’s mouth with his tongue to grant access while his hands travelled up and down under the shirt, feeling and caressing the smooth skin.
“God, Alex.” Brian moaned in the kiss. “You’re so delicious. I can’t wait to taste you.”
Shivers ran up and down AJ’s spine, every sense in him was overflowed. Moans of pleasure escaped, much to Brian’s joy and pride: yes, no one could resist Angel or the pleasure he could provide.
“Bri...” Feverishly, mindlessly, like he had no control on his own body, AJ was so trapped in that web of pleasure that he couldn’t put up a defense.
Brian stopped for a second, looking directly into AJ’s brown and darked by lust eyes. “I’m not Brian.” He hushed. “I’m so much better than him, trust me.” He said before capturing his lips in another heated kiss. In the back of his mind, something was screaming his name and to stop this madness; yet AJ couldn’t hear himself through the spinning sensations caused by those lips trialing a way down on his neck, his collarbone while hands were opening buttons.
Everything felt so good, so damn right and so... perfect and it was like he couldn’t breathe or couldn’t stop. But when Brian’s hands came upon his belt and were fondling it open, AJ realized what was happening: he was using Brian, he was letting whoever took Brian’s mind to win. So, gathering strength he didn’t know he had, AJ pushed Brian far from him.
“What?”
“I can’t do this to you, Brian. I don’t care what they told you, you’re more than this man.”
Brian looked back at him like he had been just slapped. Twice in a night! What the hell was happening? Usually, by the time he was at the belt, men were begging him to go further, to take them and bring them to the highest pleasure. But no, Alex didn’t let him... why? He was so repulsive that he AJ had to stop before he could be poisoned?
No, no... he couldn’t let see AJ how broken he was. He had to take up his act until he would be in his room, far away from AJ, from rejection and shame.
He let out a deep breath and, without even answering back, he just went for the door handle and started to open it. A sudden hand came to stop it.
“Please, Bri.” AJ pleaded, a softness Brian never had heard from the rebel one. “Let me help you. If someone is forcing you, we can stop it. Don’t do this to yourself.”
Oh, how hard it was to just believe those words! Could he do it? After all they have done to him, how could he just believe when Alex said that they can stop it?
No, they couldn’t. He was alone, they made sure that he knew.
“You don’t know who are you messing up with.” So he whispered before leaving, not only the room, but also a stunned AJ behind him.