It’s been said that eyes are the mirror of our soul. You can wear a mask, disguise yourself trying to fool everyone around you but they will know the truth, eventually.
Now... now it’s too soon for them to know.
Nobody could understand what you’re going through, why you’re hiding your true self in a place where nobody could reach and hurt you.
Again.
The always happy boy was lost and he was replaced by someone who was struggling to find his way.
He still smiled; he kept his smile on even if it didn’t reach his eyes anymore. He smiled even if all he wanted was to run away and hide, he kept smiling because he knew what would happened if he didn’t. Rumors would fly, he was sick again, he wanted to drop the group.
He kept smiling because he knew that his smile made other people smiling.
Even if it was a fake smile, a part of him still hope that, one day, he would be able to have a true smile on his face again.
Still, nobody seems to care.
Nobody asked him to go out with them at night or to hang out in a room and talk like the old times.
Even his best friend, the little boy he once took under his wing and helped to grow, deserted him as soon as he found someone much cooler, one who wouldn’t mind spend all the night from clubs to clubs and lust after girls too much younger than him.
He heard him one night, when he thought that everyone was out or asleep; he heard how he was too boring, too wrapped up in his holier attitude... those words hurt like a thousand knives mostly because they came from someone who once has been the closest of a friend.
The four boys that called themselves brothers never pay him attention anymore, everyone too wrapped in their own web of problems and worries. He felt like an outsider, a simple co – worker they had to deal with because he had a great voice.
He didn’t try anymore to talk, he just tried to go with the flow and made himself less noticeable, wishing someday to just disappear and stop all the pain.
Would he be missed?
Would someone stop and ask the others why there were only four of them?
See?
Nobody is missing you.
Nobody care for you.
They are out, partying, speaking but no one is thinking of you.
Yes, you... the one who was there every time they fall and helped them getting back on their feet.
Every time it’s your turn to be helped, they turn their backs on you.
Brian shook his head as if doing that he could took those thoughts away from his mind. He padded across the bedroom and got in the bathroom.
As much as he tried to stay away from everything that could reflect his imagine, he couldn’t bring himself away from the mirror hanging on the wall up the sink.
He had to see... no, he need to see how much distorted was his reflection.
He stood there, in front of the mirror, asking himself who was the figure reflected in it. He didn’t recognize himself anymore, it seemed like he faced a complete stranger, someone who had his looks but it wasn’t him.
At least, it wasn’t him in the inside.
If there was still something he wondered, aside from the numbness and coldness that had took possess of every organs, while blood had turned in ice. He felt so cold that he didn’t dare to touch anyone for fear of turning them as ice.
A man that was so freely with touching now feared every little gesture.
That’s why he wore that mask, that’s why he stood there wearing clothes so far away from what he usually wore: a black tight shirt and no wife beater below to hide the scar; he was another man, someone proud of that flaw, someone proud of his body.
A man who enjoyed wearing leather pants, so tight that were like a second skin.
He opened the bathroom cabinet and picked up a simple and tiny box, in there were two eyes lens. They were black to match the darkness he felt.
A dark Angel.
A buzz forced its way and got his attention. It came from a number nobody knew he had, a cell used only for nights like that. With quick steps, he went to the bedroom and retrieved the little black cell phone from a hidden spot in his suitcase.
He scooped it up and pressed the answering button. He didn’t bother with exchanging pleasantries, never had before with the man on the other part.
“You’ve been booked for tonight.”
A simple order, spoken as they were talking about the weather.
“For how long?” he asked. Usually, it was a matter of an hour, two at its maximum.
“All night. Yes, I know it’s strange but they paid already and didn’t want to be asked about it. So, it’s up to you, honey.”
Brian snorted at the honey. He wasn’t a honey, neither a sweetheart or whatever nickname they wanted to label him with. Not when he was this man, this Brian so confident about himself; it was the other Brian that had been called a sweetheart... and what did he get in return? Nothing but hurt and pain.
“You know I don’t care about the money.” He simply said, thinking over it. It was true; he was already rich, he didn’t need extra cash for living; at this very moment, he even didn’t remember why he was still doing it. When he had started, he was searching for something to erase the pain but now... now he was searching something to feel again, even if it was an hour of pleasure. “I’m in. Let him wait in the usual room. Does he know my name?” he asked then with a tiny panic in his voice. The logical part in his mind was screaming “trouble” with glittering letters, just a word, a suspect, and everything would blow up his cover and ruin the imagine of the group.
Was it worth the risk?
“That’s what you are worth, baby. Nobody cares about your feelings, nobody wants you. They only want your body and the pleasure you can give them. That’s all you are worth.” A kiss on the cheek, a little caress over the chin while the words kept running in his mind. Unwilling, he felt his body reacting to the soft touches. He didn’t want to feel the loneliness; he wanted to be loved, even if it was only for an hour or less.
The memory struck him, leaving him breathless for a moment. He thought he had buried it so deep that it would never raise up again and, yet, every now and then an imagine, a phrase would punch him right where it hurt the most, bringing back all the feelings connected to that past.
Clutching the phone in his hand, so tight that his knuckles turned white from the strain, he let out a weakly and trembling breath. There was no time for reminiscing the past, the daylight was the perfect moment. Now, it was time to forget, burying it under the waves of pleasures.
“No. They asked for Angel and, as far as I know, no one knew his real identity.”
“Thank God.” Brian whispered in relief. That reassurance washed away any objections from his conscience, he could still do it, maybe for not so long because someone could put up the coincidence: wherever the Backstreet went, Angel followed silently, without being noticed.
After a quick goodbye, Brian closed his phone and put it away in the jacket pocket.
A little bit of cologne and then he was out of his hotel room, leaving his soul in there. Tonight he didn’t need it and it was safer.
No feelings, no emotions, nothing to hold on to.
Only pleasures could bring him to that place where he would be able to feel alive again, a little piece of heaven where he could be worth again and be loved.
The despair, the loneliness would be only a distant memory, a weakened enemy that would lye still without strength to attack.
Though he knew they would be right exactly where he left them, waiting for their turn to speak, in the morning.
But, until the moonlight would shine in the dark night, Angel could fly him away for the pain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A chilly breeze hit AJ when he stepped out the hotel. It was past midnight but he was still high from the great performance of the show that he couldn’t stand being trapped in a room all night.
He wanted to dance, drink something – of course no alcoholic – and maybe hooked up with some hot guy and got laid.
Yes, Alexander James McLean, the man every woman lust after, was gay. He didn’t want anybody to know and not because he was ashamed of himself, not at all. He was comfortable with his sexuality, proud of who he was and who he had become, through ups and downs.
Still, he knew what risks would bring his coming out, especially for the band: back in the in beginning, jokes about all of them being gay were pretty much hard and they fought really hard to be accepted like musicians instead of just five pretty faces. Now, even though years had passed by and there was much more tolerance, their image was held up by a strained rope: music scene was changing, other artists were rising up and most critics were convicted that their time was through. His recent trip on rehab hadn’t help so, another blown could really hit them and destroy everything.
A vibration shook him back from those thoughts; he searched for his cell phone and he was quite happy reading who the caller was. Den.
Den has been one of the few oldest friend that didn’t left him when shit happened. And he was the only one, along with Ty, that knew about him being gay.
And lately, those two guys were trying to have him gone crazy with their blind date! They were convinced that he need someone in his life and every time they went out, which wasn’t often since he was across the planet or the States – they hooked up him with some great guy they thought was so perfect for him.
“So, what’s up man?”
“Ty and me are coming to take you to a club. And we don’t take a no as answer.”
“Okay, okay. I was calling you anyway, I need to go out.”
“Be there in five minutes. Bye man.”
“Bye man.”
“Oh! And prepare yourself because we’ve got a surprise for you!”
Before he could start a reply, the tone went dead.
Gosh, why he had a feeling they had set him up with another possible boyfriend?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Okay, guys. What’s the surprise?” AJ asked after drank his drink and looked to the guys dancing on the floor. He didn’t find anyone particular to get his attention but the night was still young and the club not really crowed as it should be on a Saturday night.
He looked over his friends and he didn’t miss the exchange between them.
“Please, tell me you haven’t done it! Please! I’m not that desperate!” he shouted at them.
The two guys looked at him grinning. “Depend on what you think we have done.”
“Okay, who’s the guy this time? A nerd? O rapper?”
“Nothing like that.” Answered Den.
“We understand that now you don’t want a stable relationship or a boyfriend because you’re just been out of rehab and blah blah blah... that’s not a reason to not get sex! You were the God of sex!”
“Should I take it as a compliment?” asked AJ, a slight frown upon his forehead.
Ignoring that question, Ty took off with the speech. “Have you heard of Angel?”
“The song?”
“No.”
“Is it a person?”
“Yes. And, from what they say, a very hot man.”
“Wow, stop for a second!” cut off AJ, realization hitting him. “You got me a hooker?”
His friends nodded their heads.
“For Christ’s sake, I’m perfectly capable to find myself someone to get off, I don’t need a damn hooker!”
“We know but...”
“I bet you don’t know Angel. He’s just amazing and really know how to please a man. He never stays in a city longer than a night and we were very luck to book him tonight.”
AJ looked very doubtful about that situation. Sure he was horny but that offer seemed so cheap and really dirty. He felt like taking advantage of someone who was really in needing if he was so willing to sell his body just to earn money. Maybe someone was forcing him to prostitute and, if that was the case of this Angel guy, he didn’t want to add money.
“I don’t know guys...” he admitted, picking up the end of his sleeve.
“Just try, okay? If you don’t like him, you can leave and there will be no problems at all.” Den said, placing a key on the table. “This is your key. It’s a suite with two entrances, yours is directly to the bedroom, that way nobody would see you. Angel will come after through the living room.”
“This sounds like a bad porn movie.”
“Well, if rumors are true... you will get a hell of trip tonight!”
And with that last comment, AJ picked up the key, tickled it between his fingers.
“Why not?” he thought as he stood up, leaving his friends and heading towards the suite, wondering what he would find behind that door.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was quite sophistical, a classical furnishing yet refined. It didn’t look like a room where prostitutes usually bring up in their clients; or, they must be high rich clients, seeing how much care has been taken for privacy, like the two entries.
So, waiting for the other man to arrive, AJ began to think about this mysterious guy.
Angel.
A soft smile appeared on his face at the sound of that name, his private nickname for Brian. Just as like nobody knew about his sexual liking, nobody knew about his infatuation, or better said a love not returned, for the blonde man. It was strange, because they were opposite in so many ways but the guy had charmed him over the years that he didn’t think it was possible to not love him.
Brian was indeed an angel and not only in his looks: the sand blonde curls or the blue piercing eyes can’t quite reached the purity of his soul or of his endless heart. What AJ loved the most was Brian’s unselfishness, even though, back in the early days, he was rather pissed off by the way the older seemed to pry into everyone’s problem. Now he realized that it was Brian’s way to deal with life: he would be happy just knowing that he made one of his friend or a stranger happy.
And... gosh, how he loved Brian’s smile. He couldn’t really find words to describe it, just that everything seemed to just shine if Brian was smiling. It was warm, soothing and reassuring.
He heard behind him the sound of the door opened and then closed. His heart started to pound loudly against his ribcage as apprehension grew steadily.
He didn’t know why he was feeling like that; softly, he turned and he couldn’t hold back the scream of surprise when he saw the man that was now in the room with him.
Surely that man was Angel.
And that man was his Angel as much.
“Brian?”