Regret. I don't have any regrets. Well, not yet. I will very soon.
My name is Brian Thomas Littrell. I am getting married tomorrow to Leighanne. That has a little to do with my upcoming regret.
Part of my regret is I'm not marrying the person I'm in love with. Don't get me wrong, I love Leighanne. I do. But, there is someone I love so much more.
I hear all you people asking who I love more than Leighanne. I'll tell you. It’s Alexander James Mclean. Yes, you heard me right. I, Brian Thomas Littrell love alexander James Mclean.
AJ and I have been having this top secret relationship for almost a year. I have been in love with him ever since I first met him.
Anyway, back to my upcoming regret.
I am pacing my hotel room trying to get the courage to do something I never thought I would ever do. Go break up with AJ.
That is my upcoming regret.
The last thing in the world I ever wanted to do was break up with the man I love.
But, seeing how I was raised, a man shouldn't love another man let alone marry one. Do you know how quickly my family would disown me?
You can call me a coward who doesn't deserve AJ all you want. I've said the same thing to myself multiple times. Believe me. AJ deserves more than me.
Maybe in another lifetime, we can be together.
Breaking up with AJ I know will break his heart if not AJ himself. But, I have to do it. I have no other choice.
"It’s now or never." I say to myself as I take a deep breath and walk out of my hotel room and down the hall to AJ’s room.
When I reach the door, I take another deep breath and lock myself up tight so none of my emotions can be seen or felt. I need to do this without breaking down. I raise my hand and knock in the door.
"Hold up a minute." I hear AJ call.
I feel my nerves grow and took yet another deep breath to calm myself.
The door opened and I see AJ appear. It takes all the control I've ever had not to throw my arms around his neck and kiss him telling him how much I love him.
"Hey, rok. Come on in." AJ said opening the door wider to let me in.
I know once AJ shuts the door, he's going to try to kiss me. I want him to so bad, but I can't let him. I walk into the room and hear AJ shut the door behind me.
I walk to the middle of the room. I close my eyes as I felt AJ walk up behind me.
"AJ, we need to talk." I said in a flat voice.
I felt AJ stiffen behind me.
"AJ? What about Alex? The only time you call me AJ is when you're mad at me." AJ said.
I open my eyes as I felt him turn me around.
"You aren't mad at me, are you?" AJ asked looking into my eyes.
I tried my hardest to keep my eyes void of all emotion.
"We need to talk." I said again in the same flat voice.
I saw fear in his eyes.
"You're breaking up with me." AJ whispered as tears filled his eyes.
"I have to. I am getting married tomorrow." I said.
"It’s bull shit, Brian. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to marry Leighanne. You can be with me. I love you." AJ said in desperation.
I know what I'm going to do next is going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do. I look into AJ’s eyes.
"I don't love you." I said in a cold distant voice.
I almost break down as I see something inside AJ break. His heart and his soul. I want to take him into my arms and tell him it’s not true and I do love him and want to marry him instead of Leighanne.
I watched as he collapsed on the ground and burst into tears. I forced myself to turn around and walk to the door. I opened the door and turned to look at him one last time.
"Goodbye Alex." I whisper before walking out of the room.
I felt my will start to crumble and almost fall to the floor. I felt arms grab me and saw nick and Howie.
"Brian, are you okay?" Nick asked worriedly.
I look at Howie.
"Make sure he's okay, please." I said sadly to Howie.
He looked at AJ’s door, then back at me. I saw him nod before going into the room.
"Let's get you into your room." I barely heard nick say as I let him take me into my room.
Once in my room, I felt the last of my will crumble and my emotions burst free and felt my legs give out as I burst into tears.
I barely felt nick pick me up and carry me to the bed.
I laid there in nick's arms sobbing into his chest as he held me. After an hour or two, my tears stopped. My heart was in pieces.
"What happened?" Nick asked softly.
"I broke AJ and myself by breaking up with him." I said sadly.
"Why?" Nick asked.
"I am getting married tomorrow, nick. I had to break up with AJ." I explained.
"You know you can always call off the wedding." Nick said.
"But, I can't, nick. My family, Leighanne, and the whole world expect me to marry Leighanne tomorrow." I cried.
"Can you honestly tell me you love Leighanne?" Nick asked.
"I do love Leighanne." I said.
"But? I know there's a but there." Nick said.
I kept silent.
"You love AJ more. Are you even in love with Leighanne?" Nick asked me.
I shook my head no.
"Then don't marry her." Nick said.
"It’s not that simple." I said.
"Yes, it is. It is simple, you're just making it harder than it has to be." Nick said.
I look up at my best friend for a long moment.
"When did you grow up and become so smart?" I asked.
"I have always been smart. What are you talkin' about?" Nick joked.
I smiled a little.
"Ah ha! I got you to smile." Nick said smiling.
"What would I do without you, nick?" I asked in wonder.
"Go absolutely insane." Nick said.
I chuckled.
We laid there in silence for a few minutes.
"What are you going to do?" Nick asked.
"I am going to marry Leighanne tomorrow." I said.
"And make the biggest mistake of your life. God, you are so stubborn." Nick said.
"That coming from the king of stubborn." I say.
"Well, at least I'm not making myself and those around me miserable by being an idiot." Nick said.
"I don't know if I am strong enough to live without my family." I said softly.
"Well, just know that AJ, Kevin, Howie and I will all be here for you no matter what." Nick said.
"I know." I said.
"Go ahead and get some sleep. I will check on you tomorrow." Nick said getting up.
I raised up and look at him.
"Hey, nick." I say.
Nick turned and looked at me.
"Thank you for everything." I said softly.
"Don't thank me. You're my best friend. See you later." Nick said before walking out the door.
*****************
*the next day*
I stood alone in the office at the church thinking about AJ.
"You know you're making a huge mistake."
I jumped and turned around to see Kevin.
"You scared me." I said trying to calm my speeding heart.
"You're making a mistake." Kevin repeated.
"I know." I admitted.
"Don't make the same mistake I did." Kevin said softly.
I looked at Kevin confused.
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"I married someone I didn't love instead of telling the one I love that I loved them." Kevin said.
"Who do you love?" I asked.
"Nick." Kevin confessed.
My mouth dropped open in shock.
"It’s too late for me. It’s not too late for you." Kevin said.
"But what about the family?" I asked.
"If they can't support you and love you, screw them. You deserve to be happy." Kevin said.
I opened my mouth to say something else when there was a knock on the door and my brother's head peaked in.
"I was told to come in here and tell you it’s time." Harold said.
I slowly nod my head. I can barely think straight. My mind is a jumble. I walk behind my brother out of the room with Kevin behind me.
"It’s not too late, Brian." I hear Kevin say.
'What am I going to do?' I thought to myself as I walked to the front of the church.
I got to my place and turned to look at the guests.
The first people I saw were my parents. They were sitting there smiling at me. Would I be able to handle them hating me?
The next people I looked at was Kevin, nick and Howie. Nick and Howie gave me disapproving looks. I saw Kevin mouth 'it’s not too late' and nod his head toward the side. I looked next to him and saw the most beautiful person in the world to me. AJ.
I felt my heart speed up as I looked at him. I didn't even hear the wedding march start until I felt my brother nudge me and saw Leighanne was almost to me by then. I knew what I was going to do.
I walked down to the bottom step.
Leighanne looked at me confused for a minute.
Her father gave me her hand, but I didn't notice. I just looked at Leighanne.
"Brian?" Leighanne said softly.
"I can't marry you, Leigh." I said.
"What? Why?" Leighanne asked me confused.
"I don't love you. I am in love with someone else. I'm sorry." I say before turning and walking over to where the guys were.
I looked at AJ and held out my hand. I saw AJ look at my hand and then at me.
"Go!" Nick, Kevin and Howie all exclaimed in unison.
I watched AJ’s face broke out into a grin before taking my hand. We ran through the crowd of angry family members and out the doors. We saw the 'just married' car and ran to it.
"So, where to?" AJ asked once we were in the car and driving away from the church.
"I don't care. As long as I am with you, I don't care where I am." I said.
"I love you so much, Brian." AJ said softly.
"I love you so much more, Alex baby." I said happily.
I knew life couldn't get any better as long as I had AJ by my side.