Once Brian set AJ free it took a little while for them to clean things up. Somehow they managed to get the mess off the couch, though it took a little bit of scrubbing so it wouldn’t set in. But once that was done the two men finished dressing themselves and sat down on the opposite end of the couch. AJ didn’t bother buttoning his pants when he pulled them up. When he sat down he winced a little and had to readjust before he was comfortable.
Brian zipped and buttoned his jeans and took a seat next to AJ, turning his body so that his legs were curled up in front of him on the cushion. Looking at AJ’s face he couldn’t help but wonder what on earth had changed things for them. When had they slid from band mates, to enemies, to lovers?
When he’d been straddling AJ’s lap and AJ had asked him what he was doing sitting there, he’d really thought about that answer. After all the protests he’d made about not doing this again, somehow he’d let AJ taunt him enough that the anger had come, and the lust with it. In some way those two things were tied together now. As soon as the anger had started the lust had been triggered.
He could have fought it. AJ had given him the honest opportunity to say no at that moment. In a small way he had handed control over to Brian. That, above anything else, had convinced Brian to stay. Yes, he and AJ had a lot of hatred between them. But the feelings inside of Brian were so jumbled he didn’t know which way to turn. All he knew was that this man made him angrier than anyone ever had in his entire life. With the simplest comments he could get under his skin and have him ready to snarl. But at the same time, now that he knew the taste of his kiss, the feel of that warm body, he wanted more. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, he was terrified. But what kind of fool would he be to walk way without at least trying to figure things out?
“You have this tendency to overanalyze shit, Rok.” AJ’s voice cut into his thinking. For once there was only a small trace of mockery there. “Why not try saying it out loud so we can figure this out?”
The surprise of AJ’s words had Brian talking before he stopped to think about it. “I’m wondering how we got from joining the same band to hating one another to where we are now.”
“Oh. Well, that’s easy enough.” Shrugging, AJ tapped his fingers along his leg. In that gesture Brian could see how much he wanted a smoke. “You never liked me to begin with and pissed me off. From there it just grew to this angry bullshit we do all the time. As for where we are now, well, I kissed you. Why, I don’t know. But I did. That just started that ball rolling.”
Confusion had Brian’s eyebrows drawing down. He looked at AJ’s eyes, noticing for the first time that somewhere along the way AJ had lost his sunglasses. “Wait a second; I never had a problem with you in the beginning. And what do you mean I pissed you off?”
AJ waved a hand in the air as if to dispel those questions. “Those aren’t important right now. What’s important is figuring out where we go from here.”
What AJ said was true. They did need to figure out where they were going to go from here. But he wanted to know what AJ had meant by his comment. The antagonism had been there between them pretty early on. Brian had never understood it. He’d thought that maybe AJ had just taken an instant dislike to him or something like that. Why, he never understood.
But after their argument, the argument that had started them down this road of confusing passion, Brian had wondered. Did AJ hate him because Kevin had made the call and brought him out there? Because he had just been welcomed into the group while everyone else had busted their butts to try out and get in? “I think it is important. How on earth are we going to go forward from here if we don’t fix whatever it is that made you hate me, AJ?”
“Look, I don’t want to discuss what I heard, Littrell. End of story.” AJ snapped out. Internally, Brian sighed. So they were back to ‘Littrell’ again. He was seeing a pattern in this. When AJ wasn’t happy with him, when the anger between them was present, AJ never called him anything but Littrell. Never, in all the years their group had been together, had AJ called him Brian. Until recently. Until they were in the throes of passion. Then he said Brian in that deep raspy voice and it sent shivers down his spine.
Wait, what he heard? What was he talking about? Brian’s mind went into overdrive, trying to figure it out. What could AJ have heard that had created such an immense hatred? AJ had been angry at him from day one it seemed. So whatever it was he’d heard it had to have been that first day. But how on earth was he supposed to remember everything that everyone had said that day? This would be something he had to think about. It was obvious that AJ wasn’t willing to talk about it yet.
Running a hand through his hair, Brian finally did sigh. He would let it go, for now. “Where do we go from here, then? Whatever made this anger to begin with is still there. But this new thing, it’s even stronger than the anger. We can’t seem to control it.”
Now that they’d moved away from the topic AJ didn’t want to talk about his eyes were calmer and his body more relaxed. “No shit.” He agreed with a small sigh of his own. “They’re all tied together in a way I don’t understand. But when you get pissed at me now I find myself wanting to climb over and just start biting you. That’s not exactly something I can just give in to.”
A buzz ran up Brian’s spine at his words. Yet again he found himself speaking without thinking, his thoughts coming out his mouth as they came to him. “No one’s ever wanted me that way before. Nobody ever found me that attractive.” He admitted. As he realized what he said his cheeks heated with a blush and he looked down at his lap. “You bring things out in me I didn’t even know were there.”
AJ’s hand suddenly covered his. Surprised, Brian’s eyes shot up, locking onto AJ’s. There was a gentleness there that Brian had never seen before. The tone to AJ’s voice as he spoke stunned him even more. It was, kind. “You are an attractive person. One of the most attractive people I’ve ever seen. You make a fire in me like nothing I’ve ever felt before.”
The admission had Brian stunned. Not only was AJ looking kindly at him, but his tone and his words were sympathetic and tender. Honesty was evident in his eyes. How could Brian be anything but honest in return? “I find you extremely attractive too, AJ. In a way I’ve never found anyone else before. But I don’t know what to think about that. My faith…” Brian trailed off, wincing, waiting for the sarcastic comment he was sure was coming. AJ never failed to mock him for his religious views.
Again AJ stunned him. He didn’t offer any sarcasm or any taunts. If anything, his face got slightly softer. “Yeah, that gets to me too. I was taught that feeling this way is wrong. Away from you, that comes back and nags at me, making me doubt myself. Making me wonder. Since I don’t do well feeling that way, I tend to get angry. I can deal with anger better than a crisis of faith.”
The shock Brian was feeling must have shown on his face because AJ laughed in a self-mocking way. “Yes, I have faith too.” He said sarcastically, some of that old temper slipping back in. “Amazing as that may seem coming from a little freak like me.”
“I wasn’t thinking that, AJ. I was thinking that you’ve mocked me for my faith so many times, and now you’re sitting here telling me you have some of the same problems I am with these feeling because of your faith. It baffles me.”
“Huh.” AJ grunted. Then, true to form, he shrugged, brushing the thought away. “Well, I imagine I deal with it easier than you. My faith is there, but my common sense and survival instinct are stronger. It may nag at me, but I’m practical minded enough to know that not everything is so black and white as people think it is. But, none of this tells us what to do from here. What do you want? Not what you think is right, but what you want.”
Well, when he worded it like that, the request was so much different. The answer that had been on Brian’s lips died away. What did he want? “I’m not sure.” He said slowly, thinking as he spoke. “At the very least, I want to make peace with you. But years of sniping and backbiting are hard to stop. Especially when I don’t know what I…”
“Don’t push your luck.” AJ growled, interrupting him.
A corner of Brian’s mouth quirked in wry humor. “Anyways, as I was saying. My brain tells me this is wrong, that I need to get up and walk away and not look back. Leave the group, if need be. But the rest of me.” This part was so much harder. He wasn’t only telling AJ, but admitting it to himself. “This other part of me wants to touch you now, all the time. To explore this, and us, and this new me I’m discovering. I’ve never been this person before. I didn’t even know I had it in me. How can I walk away from it?”
“I don’t think I can walk away now.” AJ admitted to him. Idly he toyed with Brian’s fingers, neither one of them really noticing that they were still holding hands. “But I don’t know how easy it’ll be to change either. But…” Here AJ’s voice changed, sounding as if he was talking more to himself than anything else. “…maybe things have changed enough. Maybe they’re different enough now that we don’t have to have the past be a part of who we are. Maybe we should just start from now and try to get to know one another.” He lifted his eyes, locking on to Brian. “Maybe what we need to do is start fresh. I know that the temper won’t change overnight for either of us. We’ll still fight. But maybe we can make it better.”
A warmth filled Brian deep down inside. He found himself smiling. “So our truce is going to stretch a little longer now?”
AJ’s grin was razor sharp and full of humor. “That’s a good way of putting it.”
“I guess that works for me too. Does this mean the Saint Littrell comments will stop finally?”
Laughter echoed in the back of the bus. It was one of the sweetest sounds that Brian had ever heard. He couldn’t ever remember hearing AJ sound so honestly happy. Ever.
Still chuckling, AJ gave him one of the most honest smiles that Brian had seen from him. “I can’t call you that anymore and be honest. Like I said, you’ve got a freak buried inside of you. Who would have guessed it! Tying a man up, bending him over a couch, taking him against a wall, spanking. My, my. Not to mention what you let me do to you.”
Blush stained Brian’s cheeks. It was one thing to do it. In the moment it felt right. But to discuss it like this, afterwards, was embarrassing. He couldn’t even believe that he had done those things! Thinking of that reminded him of earlier when he had seen AJ’s wrists. He looked down now, lifting their joined hands enough that he could inspect AJ’s wrist.
The sight of it had him wincing. Instead of the light bruising that had been there before it was now wider and darker, almost perfectly around his wrist like a bracelet. “I-“
“Uh-uh.” AJ cut in, shaking his head. “I told you, I bruise easy.”
“But I didn’t think about that. It’s going to hurt.”
Nonchalantly, AJ shrugged. “Your point is? Hell, man, I’d take that kind of hurt any day of the week from you. It was well worth every ache I have. Trust me, if it had been too much, I would have made it known. Why do you think I wasn’t fighting any harder?”
“What?” Brian remembered AJ fighting him; remembered the feeling of him trying to escape and the thrill that came from catching him.
Settling their hands back down on Brian’s knee, AJ gave a light squeeze. “You’re new to the role playing thing. I fought because I wanted you to be rough. I wanted you to take me. Not just be in me, but full on take me. You were perfect. Exactly what I wanted. If you’d gotten too rough I would have fought back, or I would have told you to stop. If I said stop I know you would have.”
“Of course I would!” Something tugged at Brian’s brain. He found himself asking AJ something that he never would have had the courage to ask another person. “Is it really…exciting, like that? To give up that much control? To let someone just, possess you?”
Fire leapt into AJ’s eyes. He sucked in a breath sharply before slowly exhaling. “God, you put images in a man’s mind. Yes, yes it is. I’ll show you one of these times. But if it’s something we try, something we play, it’s easier if you make a code word. Something that means ‘lighten up’ and something that means ‘stop.’ That makes it safer.”
Though he never would have guessed it of himself, the idea of trying that had Brian starting to grow hard. He never would have guessed that these games were something he would enjoy. But more than that, he thrilled at the idea that there would be a ‘one of these times’. They had made that decision now. There was no going back from it. Some piece of his mind still protested, but the larger part was throwing caution to the wind. “I’d like that.” He said with a soft smile.