AJ McLean bounced around his hotel room, wired with the energy that always came after a concert. There was nothing to do, nothing on the TV, to entertain him. He pulled out his cell and tried to call Howie, but there was no answer there. Go figure, the guy was probably already in bed. Well, he could call Nick, but that was a little too much energy. Kevin? No freaking way. That only left Brian.
Well, hell, it’d been a long ass time since they’d sat down together and chatted about anything. There was a reason for that, but he’d had a hard time sticking to it lately. So, sure, while in treatment he had discovered that he liked Brian. As in, like liked him. But that didn’t mean that he had to cut off their friendship entirely. Brian had been bugging him to hang out lately, as if he sensed there was something wrong. Most likely he had. Brian was good at reading people like that. It was part of what made him such a good friend.
AJ text him as he paced his room. ‘Bored. Cum entertain me! Du it!’ and hit send. He knew that it would make Brian laugh, which was his intention. Maybe they could sit and play cards together. Or watch a movie. Play twister. Something, anything!
His phone buzzed and AJ popped the message open. After reading it, he laughed out loud. ‘Sht head. Will b there in a bit. CHILL.’ Well thank God for Brian! You could always count on him when you needed something. Even if it was just someone to entertain you until your energy burned away.
Hell, just having Brian’s company in general was all AJ really ever wanted. He could spend hours just talking to Brian, or listening to him talk. Their conversations were never dull. They always had someone to talk about, and they usually meshed pretty well together. There were a lot of debates, but to them, that was ok. That made things more interesting.
A knock sounded at the door, bringing AJ bouncing on over. He yanked the door open. “About time you little…” His voice trailed off when he saw who was on the other side of the door. Marcus, his security guard, who should have been in bed, was standing in the doorway, holding the hand of a little girl who looked maybe three or four. “Uh, hey Marcus. What’s up?”
“I think you need to see this, Age.” Marcus held out an envelope to AJ, his expression serious. A sense of foreboding filled AJ. He gestured them both inside, unsure of what else to do, while he stood there in the doorway and opened the envelope. With shaking hands he read the letter inside.
Dear AJ,
I bet you’re wondering who I am and what on earth is going on here. I’m not going to sugar coat anything, I don’t have time. It hurts me to write too much. This is Shelly Barley. You and I were together for a small time when you were in Fresno almost four years ago. Jog your memory? You talked a lot of game, but then you up and skipped town. Can’t ever trust a man to do what’s right. Not only that, but you left me a present. That’s right. Her.
Meet Madeline, you’re daughter. Amazing, isn’t it, how much she looks like her daddy? I’ve shown her who you are a lot, so she should know you’re her daddy. A spitting image of you, bad attitude and all. I know you won’t believe me, and that’s ok. By sending her like this, it guarantees that you’ll at least get the blood test done. That’ll prove it to you. You got me pregnant and left me high and dry. She’s three, will be four in about six months. March something or another. I don’t know. Not my problem anymore. See, I’m dying. Them fool doctors told me we’d fight it, but the medicine isn’t working. They said the cancers too much, that they can’t help me. Probably don’t want to. Those stupid fuckers.
So, she’s your problem. After I put her in the cab to be dropped off by you, I got my own plans. I’m not going out like this, with cancer. I’m doing it on my own terms. I already took every pill I own. They must be working, the words are blurring together. I better get her off before I can’t see. Enjoy the little bitch. She’s fucking annoying, always whining about something, peeing on something else. She’s your problem now! I waited until I saw you were coming back to Fresno. It wasn’t that hard to find your hotel. By the time you read this I should be dead. You get to keep her now. Good riddance.
Shelly
Holy mother fucking, son of a bitch. AJ’s eyes felt wide as dinner plates. The energy he’d felt before seemed to have frozen up with the rest of his body. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Hell, he could barely breathe. A daughter? This little girl was supposed to be his daughter? AJ racked his brain, trying to think of Shelly Barley. Almost three and a half years ago. Or, hell, add in the nine months and all that jazz, it’d be more like four years. Fresno, Fresno. Oh, God, Fresno.
It came back to him in a sickening flash. He’d still be drinking and using pretty heavily back then, and he’d been pissed one night when he’d watched Brian and his girl fight all evening. So, instead of comforting Brian the way he wanted to, AJ had gone out to the bar and found comfort in the first pair of legs to spread for him. The girl had been pretty easy, and it hadn’t taken much to get back to his hotel room. He’d spent the night with her, and come morning, sent her on her way. They’d left later that afternoon. But could he have gotten her pregnant from one drunken night? He had always protected himself!
But AJ knew that he couldn’t count on himself for that. Being high and drunk, and pissed to boot, there was no telling if he’d used protection.
God, a daughter, though? He turned his head, looking to where Marcus had sat the girl down on the couch. All AJ could see was the dark brown curls. The rest of her was hidden. Could she really be his?
“Hey, J! I told you I’d be there in a second. You that impatient?” Brian called out from down the hall. When he got closer, he caught sight of AJ’s face. Instantly he was concerned. “What is it?”
Wordlessly, AJ handed over the letter. While Brian read that, AJ moved into the hotel room. He didn’t know what to do, what to say to this child. If her mother really had killed herself, then there was nowhere for her to go. If she was his daughter, he couldn’t abandon her. The second order of business would be to verify that come morning time. But, first things first. “Marcus, I need you to call the police station. Take the letter Brian has and show it to them.”
Marcus stood, nodding at him. As he went to go past, AJ snagged his arm and spoke quietly. “You can read it on your way down. Someone’s claiming that this girls my daughter, and that the mother is currently OD’ing on meds. I want someone to find out where they live and check this out. Then I want someone to get in here and do the necessary tests first thing in the morning to find out whether she’s mine or not. We’ll go from there, ok?”
“Got it, Age.” Marcus gave his shoulder a friendly squeeze, and he was gone from the room. Behind him, AJ heard Brian step inside and shut the door, but he didn’t have time to pay attention to him right now. All of his attention was focused on the small form huddled on his couch.
Cautiously, AJ made his way over there. He squatted down by the edge of the couch, trying to catch the child’s eye. Madeline sat on the very edge of the couch. She was so still compared to other three year olds that AJ had been around. Her brown curls hung halfway down her back, and had been pulled back from her face.
One look at her face had AJ reeling. He looked at that nose, so like his own. The same shape to the mouth. Then there were those eyes. It was like looking at a miniature, female version of him. Oh God. Suddenly he felt sick. They would do the paternity test, for court records, but AJ had a feeling he knew what it would say. How could he deny this small child in front of him?
The way that she was looking at him was disconcerting in a child that young. There was fear that looked bone deep. A fear that no child should ever know. But, she stared intently at him, watching and waiting. His heart broke as he looked her over. She wore tattered sneakers, and a pair of dirty, ratty jeans. Her shirt was dirty and stained, and looked too small for her. The jacket she had on was way too light for this time of year, and had probably been worn by quite a few kids before it reached her. The backpack that was next to her on the couch had seen much better days. The poor kid looked as if she hadn’t had a bath in God knows how long. He wondered when she’d last eaten.
“Madeline?” he asked, gently as he could. She didn’t say anything. AJ flicked his eyes up to Brian, who was standing and staring at the two of them, his face a mask of shock. With a deep breath, AJ brought his attention back to the little girl. His daughter. “Mattie? Are you thirsty, honey? Would you like something to drink?” It was all he could think of for the moment. At least, until he figured out what to do.
Mattie nodded, a smile curving her lips. Unable to resist, AJ smiled back at her. “Well, let’s go get you something, then.” He made to stand up, but the little girl obviously took that as a sign, and she scooted back on the couch, cowering. AJ froze. His heart actually throbbed, hurting for this child. What had been done to her that she was scared so easily? This was no ordinary fear that had her trembling.
With infinite car, AJ sat himself on the edge of the couch. He bent low, whispering so that only she could hear him. “Mattie, love, its ok. No one here is going to hurt you, ok? I promise you, I won’t let anyone ever hurt you.” He didn’t know that she would believe him, but he had to try. Because he had a bad feeling that he knew how this child had been treated. It left him feeling sick. The idea that he’d left a child, his child, in that kind of a home. God. “Come on now, come with me an we’ll go get you some juice. Do you like juice? I like apple, personally. Sometimes orange juice, but that tickles as it goes down.”
Something about his inane chatter had the child relaxing. Mattie peeked out from behind her hair and offered him a hesitant smile. When he smiled in return, that seemed to ease her all the more. A little hand came out and lay over top of his. Gently, AJ turned his hand so that it was palm up, holding on to hers. “That’s a girl. You ready to come get something to drink?”
She nodded. This time when he rose, she rose with him, clinging tightly to his hand. As AJ led her over to the fridge, he caught Brian’s eye. Through all of this his friend hadn’t left. Instead, he’d stood against the wall, quietly watching. It was obvious he was still in shock. As much as AJ wished he could talk to him, this little girl needed his attention more.
AJ snagged a bottle of juice from the fridge, and dug around until he found a coffee mug. Then he gave her a big smile, and lifted her under her armpits, swinging her into the air to land on the stool. Her tinkling laugh filled the hotel room, bringing a smile from both of the men. He poured the juice in the cup, and then set it in front of her. Instantly she picked it up and started to sip away.
The chair she was in had a back and arm rails on it, so AJ felt comfortable leaving her there for a moment. He moved to the couch and scooped up her bag. Inside he found pull ups, a birth certificate, and nothing else. He couldn’t believe it. “Bri.” He called softly. “Look at this.”
Brian came over to peek inside the bag. When he looked back up, his eyes were clouded with sadness and anger. “This woman sent her with nothing? Nothing at all?” he asked.
“Looks like it. Shit, Bri. Those pull ups don’t even look like they’d be the right size.” AJ tried to keep his voice down. He watched Mattie as she drank her juice like she was dehydrated. It sent another pang through him to realize that she very well might be.
Brian was half smiling at him. “You know what pull ups are?” he teased.
Leave it to Brian to find some way to make him smile. Appreciating it, AJ reached out and touched his shoulder as he went past. “Course I do. You think I never babysit for Ashley’s little ones when I go home?” Ashley was one of his friends that he had met before he’d joined the backstreet boys. She had three kids; a one year old, a three year old, and a seven year old.
“Huh, hadn’t thought of that, Age. Good point.”
AJ was busy grabbing a pen from the side table. He picked up the notepad that the hotel provided, and scribbled out a list. When he was done, he handed it to Brian. “Would you mind going to the gift shop and getting me a few things? They should have the normal toiletries there, and a few other things. She doesn’t even have the right stuff to get her through the night. I’m about to go put her in a bath, and get her out of those clothes, so she’ll need something to wear in the morning. A right size pull up for the night. Once we know what’s what, I’ll make more plans.”
The stress he felt must have leaked through into his voice, because Brian took the list, and then wrapped him in a hug. “I’ll be here for you, J. Don’t worry.” He whispered in his ear. For a moment AJ clung tightly to him, wishing with all his heart that Brian meant that in a different way. When they pulled back he sighed.
All of his attention turned back to Mattie once Brian went out the door. AJ strolled over to her, and leaned on the bar, grinning. Her smile was shy and hesitant, but it was there. That was what counted. He knew enough about kids to know that she wasn’t old enough yet to have figured out how to fake liking someone.
“Well, Miss Mattie, what say you about going to go take a bath? I might even have bubbles we can put in it.” He coaxed. Her smile grew wide, and in that look, AJ saw so much of himself. It was a terrifying thought. Don’t think about it yet he told himself. Just get through the night, treat it like you’re babysitting, or you’ll go insane. Right now she doesn’t need you freaking out. She needs someone to take care of her.
With no regard for his own clothes, AJ scooped her up in his arms. She fit right against his hip and snuggled in easily. The trusting way she laid her head on his shoulder pulled at his heart strings. The dampness that grew on his hip had him smiling wryly. Either her pull up was full, or she’d had an accident. Who could blame the kid, after the kind of evening she’d had?
“Let’s get you to that tub, pretty girl.” He said, heading toward the bathroom. He kept hold of her as he turned the water on, and rucked around for the amenities they usually left in the bathroom. Sure enough, there was bubble stuff in there. First, he’d have to get her clean. With the amount of dirt on her, it was going to take two washes just to get her clean. Once that was done, he’d add the bubbles.
AJ sat down on the edge of the tub and set her on the floor. “Ok, let’s get these grubby things off, and into the nice warm water. Doesn’t that sound good? We’ll get you all scrubbed and clean first, then we’ll put the bubbles in.” As he her jacket off, he could see the fear that rose into her eyes, and he felt himself grow sick. Taking a deep breath, he leaned in and tried to distract them both. “Sometimes, when I play with my friends kids, we like to build things with the bubbles. Have you ever had a bubble hat before? Or played with bubbles on your nose?”
Her shirt rose over her head, and she popped out of it smiling. He succeeded in relaxing her yet again. But once he caught sight of her body, he found himself wishing that he had someone to help him relax. Bruises of varying ages covered her little arms, and were here and there across her small chest. He was almost afraid to turn her around and see what was on her back.
How he managed to keep calm long enough to get her stripped the rest of the way down, he didn’t know. Each article of clothing he removed revealed more and more trouble. But he kept his anger to himself, and talked to her in a soothing voice. Once her pants were out of the way, he realized why it was she was wet. The pull up she had on was way too small, and looked fuller than it should ever have been. He took that off too, and tossed it with her clothes to go to the garbage. Then he lifted her up, and stuck her in the tub before shutting the water off.
AJ had to lock part of his brain away just to be able to do what needed to be done. He stripped off his own shirt first, since carrying her had created quite a wet spot. Then he set about washing the child up, and trying to set her at ease. He played silly games with her, keeping her smiling at him the whole time. They had to drain the tub twice and refill it before she was clean. On the last time, they added the bubbles. Together they played, sculpting things, giving her a Santa beard, and a hat for him. So long as he focused only on her, and nothing else, he was able to keep the other stuff locked away in his mind.
When she was clean and happy, AJ drained the tub and pulled her out, wrapping her in one of the large, plush towels and setting her on the bathroom counter. Then he grabbed a hand towel, using it to dry off her long hair. Wet, it hung down to her waistline. As he dried and then brushed her hair, he could see her slowly getting sleepy. AJ hummed as he used the hotel comb to get the tangles out. Ashley’s kids had always loved that part of bath time with ‘Uncle AJ’. He would sit them down and comb their hair out, humming or singing to them as he did. When he stayed there, or them with him, it was a ritual they had before bed. Doing this with Mattie helped soothe him.
By the time he was done, the child was almost asleep. AJ scooped her up, cradling her in his arms. She was so small. Hell, Ashley’s one year old son was almost bigger than Mattie!
As he carried her out of the bathroom, his door opened and Brian came in. One look at the bundle in AJ’s arms had Brian smiling. He made sure the door shut quietly behind him before he came over and set his bags on the counter of the dining area. Without being asked, Brian pulled out the pull up’s package and opened them. He brought one over to AJ, who took it with a grateful smile.
AJ took Mattie to the bedroom, turning a lamp on as he came in. She was barely awake when he stood her on the bed and helped her get into the pull up. Next he grabbed one of his shirts, putting it over her. She practically swam in it, but it would keep her warm, and that was what he wanted.
“Come on, angel girl.” He said softly. “Let’s get you tucked into bed.”
After pulling the sheets back, AJ laid her down in the middle of the bed. She snuggled down, her little eyes closing. Softly, AJ sang as he tucked the blankets around her. “Go to sleep my darling, Sandman’s calling. Where the stars are gleaming, you’ll be dreaming. Go to sleep my darling. Sandman’s calling. I’ll be waiting for you to love and adore you. Go to sleep my darling, Sandman’s calling. Where the angels guide you to the dreams inside you.” He trailed off, smiling to himself. She was already asleep.
On quiet feet, AJ rose from the bed and tiptoed from the room. He shut the door, leaving it open just a crack in case she woke up. Then he rested his forehead against the doorframe and just stood there. His shoulders fell, and the tears built behind his eyes. Sweet mother of God. What was he going to do?