Brian felt as if their life was constantly being lived on alert. They went back on tour just like normal, and though his hand still pained him, as did AJ’s legs, things were going well for them. They played for sold out shows. The music was going as good as ever. Even in his personal life things were going well. He and AJ had taken that big step in their relationship and loved every minute of it. It was going good. Too good.
Both of them drew more cautious as time passed, instead of relaxing like the others. They had discussed it in their room and they agreed that Dave wasn’t done. The threats he had made hadn’t been mistakes, or overreactions. The others may have been able to let it all slide, but neither Brian nor AJ forgot the car wreck, or the man who had died because of another man’s jealous rage.
What they hadn’t been able to figure out was the form that this would all come out in. Would Dave try to crash them again? Did he just want to hurt them, or, God forbid, did he really want to kill them? Brian wanted to believe that Dave wouldn’t go that far, but he couldn’t force himself to actually believe it. A man had already died, and he hadn’t even been involved in this whole drama.
It was the fear of not knowing that was the hardest to deal with. To sit and wonder when something was going to happen. What it would be or where it would come from.
One evening Brian was pacing the hotel room, his nerves feeling like they’d been stretched to their breaking point. “I can’t stand not knowing, J!” he fumed. “I know he’s out there! I know he’s got something planned! But I’m stuck walking through life on egg shells just waiting for whatever the fuck he’s going to do!”
AJ stayed leaning against the patio doorframe, smoking quietly. He knew that right at the moment there wasn’t really anything that he could say to make Brian feel better. At least, not until he was done ranting. Which, AJ knew, he had every right to do. Sometimes he felt like screaming to the heavens about the unfairness of it all. But right then he could see that Brian was close to snapping. His control was wavering and he was breaking slightly under the pressure. Seeing it gave AJ strength he hadn’t known he’d had. For Brian, he kept himself strong. That was what his lover needed right then.
“When is he finally going to get on with this? Tell the press, come after us, something! But this infernal waiting is going to drive me batty!” Brian continued on. His pacing never stopped. “I’d rather have the stress of what he does than the feeling of waiting, never knowing what it’s going to be or when he’s going to do it. Why can’t he just get it done with, or leave us alone?”
A knock on the door interrupted Brian’s rambling. Still riding his anger, he stomped over and flung the door open. A bellboy was there, a box in his hands. “Delivery for you, Mr. Littrell. Came in to the front desk.”
Brian tipped the guy and took the box. After shutting the door he carried it into the room and back over to where AJ was. He wore a suddenly silly smile, looking at the box in his hands. It was the typical box that a flower delivery came in. “You got me flowers?” he asked softly, looking up at AJ. Something in AJ’s expression made his smile falter.
“I didn’t buy flowers, Bri.” AJ said slowly. Unmindful of his cigarette, he took a few steps in and gently took the box from Brian’s suddenly weak grasp. Very carefully he stepped back out onto the patio and laid the box on the ground. He squatted beside it and nudged the lid off with one finger, careful to keep his distance as the lid fell away. When he saw simple red roses inside, he still couldn’t stop himself from being nervous, but he motioned to Brian that it was safe to come forward.
Together the two were squatted by the flowers. Tucked in to their stems was the type of card that a florist always sent with flower deliveries. With trembling fingers Brian pulled it out. In a familiar scrawl were the words ‘See you two soon.’
The card fell from his fingers. “Oh God.” He whispered.
Warm hands were on his arms, pulling him to his feet, but Brian couldn’t focus on them. All he could see were the red roses. It struck him how the red looked just like blood. Sweet Jesus. They were right; he hadn’t forgotten about them. Brian didn’t realize how his breath was coming in gasps, or that he was being led inside, away from the flowers.
He couldn’t focus on anything. AJ’s voice was like a buzzing in his ear, just on the outskirts of his hearing. Sweet Lord. Dave wasn’t going to go away. He was going to kill him. That truth settled down into Brian’s bones. Dave would kill him. How, or when, he didn’t know. All he knew was that it was coming. Not only him, but AJ was in danger as well.
How could he knowingly put AJ in danger this way? How did Dave even know where to find them at? He had to be watching them. Could he be watching right then? “Close, close the curtains.” Brian gasped out, his mind locking onto that. He couldn’t stand the thought of Dave looking into their room. “Please, now!”
He felt as AJ left him, and heard the sound of all the curtains drawing closed. Then AJ was by his side again, holding his hands. What were they going to do? Oh sweet mother of God, what were they going to do?
“Bri, Brian!” AJ’s voice cut through his fog, forcing Brian to look over at him. One of AJ’s hands came up, taking off his sunglasses so that Brian could see right into his eyes. “Look at me, baby. You need to breathe, ok? You need to calm down.”
There was strength in AJ’s voice. A steel that Brian clung to. He could see the love in AJ’s eyes, hear that strength in his voice, and he held tight to them. Everything in his world felt as if it had been tipped upside down. Nothing was what it was supposed to be. “I’m scared.” He found himself whispering.
One of AJ’s hands came up to cup Brian’s cheek. His thumb traced lightly over Brian’s skin. “I know you are, baby.” His voice was suddenly soft, and so full of love that Brian felt tears prick his eyes. “But I’m right here with you. We’ll make it through this, ok? Together.”
Everything that had been building in Brian over the past weeks finally burst free. He turned into AJ’s hand and closed his eyes as the tears fell hot and fresh. He heard his lover make a soft sound, and then he was pulled forward, enfolded in tender arms that Brian knew would always be there for him. AJ’s cheek rested against his head, and Brian heard his soft whisper “Let go, Bri. Quit trying to be so strong. I’ve got you, baby. You just let go. I’m right here for you.”
For once in his life, instead of being the strong one, Brian finally let himself break down. He didn’t give strength, but this time he took it. AJ held him through the tears, through the mumbled cries of pain. He rocked him and soothed him, never trying to stop it, never telling him to hush, but simply holding him through the storm. He let Brian ramble, let him rant, let him sob. All the while he just held him close.
It took a while for that part of Brian to cry himself out. He hadn’t realized how many tears he had in him. When they finally started to slow, there was a hollow feeling inside of him. It was as if everything he had ever felt had been drained from him; washed away with the tears. Even after the tears stopped, Brian stayed where he was. AJ still didn’t speak, just continued to hold him tightly.
“Thank you.” Brian whispered.
AJ kissed the top of Brian’s head. “You hold in so much, baby. I’m here for you. You don’t always have to be the strong one.”
“I don’t know how to be anything but that.”
Those warm arms gave Brian a squeeze. “I am always going to be here for you, bear. You don’t have to do it alone. You don’t have to take on the world by yourself. I’m here, and I don’t plan on going anywhere. Together, we can tackle any of this.”
A warm feeling was starting to take the place of that hollowness inside of Brian. He raised his head, looking at AJ through red, swollen eyes. “I love you.” It was all he could think of to say. AJ’s smile was as bright and warm as the sun, chasing away the last of the darkness in Brian’s heart. “I love you too.”
Laying his head back down, Brian stayed in the circle of AJ’s arms and allowed himself to give up control for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anger ate at his soul like a cancer. In the dark room he paced, cursing to himself. Who did they think they were? Acting as if nothing had changed. As if destroying his life was easy for them to do. Well, they wouldn’t get away with this. They were going to pay. First, that little tattooed freak. Oh, he would enjoy destroying him. How dare he take what wasn’t his? Brian was his, damn it! But no, that freak had to come along and turn Brian against him. Well, they would fix that. He had plans for the both of them.
He paused by the window, cackling to himself without knowing that he was laughing. Yes, he had plans. They wouldn’t be laughing when he got them alone. No, no more laughter then. When they were at his mercy, where no one would find them. No one would save them.
The place he would take them was all prepared. He knew what he would do. They thought they could fuck with him, did they? They had no idea who they were messing with! He would get them. Once he was done with that freak, it would be Brian’s turn. He would break him, and remold him when it was done. He would stab him until he was a puddle on the floor! Burn him, beat him, show him who the boss was around here!
No, no, he couldn’t kill him! That was right. Never that. If he did that he would never be able to get what he wanted. Oh, how he wanted the money, the status that being Brian’s boyfriend would get him. With that he would never want for things again. The little guttersnipe that he had once been would never show his face again. He would turn himself into a cultivated man; go to social gatherings and charity functions. He would be welcomed at every home in the world. Yes, that was it. That would show them all.
As he stared out into the night, watching the balcony of the hotel across the street, he started to laugh. Two figures were standing in the night air, one of them smoking. They had no idea what was coming. Neither of them knew who they were messing with.
They had no idea that right across the road, madness was watching them.