With the IV in his arm, Brian stared at the clock on the wall, waiting for the allotted time that his treatment would be done for the day. Waiting for the time that Nick would arrive. This was day six in the hospital, and he was finding out that even though everything felt the same, nothing was. The chemo they were doing was stronger this time, and it made him sicker than ever, which was something that he absolutely hated.
There was more fear this time too, which he hadn’t thought was possible. He’d never known that he could be more afraid of anything than he had been when he’d first discovered he had ALL. Also, and what seemed the most important, it was Nick who came to visit him this time, not AJ.
Even though it wasn’t fair to Nick, he couldn’t seem to stop making small comparisons in his mind. Nick came about late afternoon, usually after Brian’s vomit sessions were done. He’d stay through till after dinner and then leave when it was lights out time. Sure, it was what Brian had said was an ok time to visit, but still. Irrationally he was annoyed by it. AJ had never balked at being there whether Brian liked it or not. He had just ignored his bitching and showed up when he wanted to.
Logically he knew he shouldn’t be mad at Nick for doing what he asked him to. Didn’t take way the low grade annoyance, though. As his best friend, shouldn’t Nick push the issue and stay with him and try to help him? Sure, Nick was annoyed with him. Because Brian had made him promise not only to not tell AJ, but to downplay it to Howie and Kevin too. Just say he was getting tests done. Anything to keep them from turning and calling AJ.
That was the biggest bone of contention between him and Nick. No matter what, Brian was still steadfast on not telling AJ what was going on. He was convinced that it was for the best. That AJ would move on and find someone new. Nick told him, over and over, that this wasn’t how AJ worked. Brian knew that. Nick knew that. But Brian wasn’t ready to admit it.
Laying his head back against the pillows, Brian wondered why his life had to be so damn fucked up. Why did so much bad shit have to happen to him? He was wallowing in self-pity and he knew it, and didn’t care. Wasn’t he entitled to a little moping? Everyone was every now and again. Dammit, there was a lot of shit going on in his life! If he wanted to mope, he would!
All of a sudden the door to his room burst open loudly, making Brian startle on his bed. He had to close his eyes for a second in an effort to stem the nausea down. It wasn’t too bad yet. Yet. It usually peaked about an hour after the dosing was done.
Finally calmed, he opened his eyes to see Nick standing at the end of his bed. One look at Nick’s face told him this was going to be a bad conversation.
Nick opened his mouth but before he could speak a nurse walked in announcing “Ok, looks like our times up. Let’s get this out and get you settled, ok?”
A few minutes later they were alone again. Brian didn’t move from the bed. Something about Nick’s face, his posture, screamed trouble. “Is uh…is everything ok?” Brian managed to stammer out.
That did it. Nick’s eyes flashed and he reached into his pocket, pulling something out and throwing it on the bed. Brian looked down to see a cell phone, his cell phone, lying on the bed. Almost reflexively he covered it up. Cell phones weren’t allowed back here.
“Go take a listen, Bri.” Nick snapped out, his voice hard and cold. “I checked your voicemail on my way here like you asked. Go listen to them.”
A different kind of nausea sat in Brian’s stomach, burning at his throat. He carefully climbed from bed, taking the phone with him as he walked to the bathroom. Nick followed behind him, shutting the door once they were both inside.
With shaking fingers, Brian dialed his voicemail, his eyes flickering toward Nick as he did. What the hell was going on? What was this about? Part of Brian wanted to give Nick back the phone and tell him to go away. Go far, far away. He had a feeling what he was going to hear was something he wouldn’t like. This was why he asked Nick to check them for him, to screen and figure out if there was anything important. But the other part of Brian couldn’t stop from bringing his phone to his ear.
After the initial spiel, Brian pressed ‘1’ to get to his message. The first one was his mother, just calling to say hello. Hearing her voice, so happy and full of love, had Brian smiling a little. His mother was always a soothing person for him.
The next came from Kevin, wanting to know how he was and if he was ok. Another from his brother asking the same thing. That knot in Brian was finally starting to unwind a little when the bombshell dropped. AJ’s voice filled his ear, echoing straight down to his soul and breaking what was left of his heart.
“Where are you? I’m so lost without you here, I don’t know what to do with myself. I wander around here and I can’t seem to think straight. I’ve cleaned everything from top to bottom, waiting for you to call, to come home. It’s been four days! Oh God, Brian, I love you. Why don’t you realize that? Why do you doubt me? I can’t take this being apart. I miss you. It feels like someone cut my heart out of my chest. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. Everything makes me think of you. Please, baby, come home. Don’t leave me like this. Please.”
Everything inside of Brian seemed to just shatter. His eyes slid closed even as the tears started to slide down his cheeks. Against his will he pressed the button to replay it. To hear AJ’s voice in his ear. There was pain in every single word. Not the pain that Brian had thought AJ would feel – a fleeting thing soon forgotten. But a pain that went soul deep and broke your heart into pieces.
He was hurting AJ. Doing the one thing that he had been trying to prevent with this whole plan. Oh God. What kind of person was he? “Why did you make me listen to this?” he whispered. Oh God, how much it hurt his heart.
“Did you listen to all of it, Brian?” Nick seethed. When Brian looked at him, he could see the anger burning in Nick’s whole face. “I listened to him, Nick.”
“Did you? Or did you just hear his words?”
Brian brought a hand up to run it over his face. “I heard the pain in his words. Is that what you wanted? Did you want me to know how much I’m hurting him? Well I do, ok! I get it. I’m breaking him into pieces because I’m a selfish bastard. I get the fucking picture, Nick.” The pain in Brian had him wanting to double over. He brought both hands up, covering his face for a second before running up and over his bald head.
The venom in Nick’s voice as dripping from every word when he replied to Brian’s passionate speech. “You’re a jerk sometimes, Brian. I swear. Listen to more than that. Play it again. Listen to the way he’s talking. The slur.”
Slur? Hands on his head, Brian froze. No. Oh, no. No, no, no. With shaking hands he dialed his voicemail again, sifting through the messages until he got to AJ’s. This time he made himself listen past the words, past the pain, to just simply AJ’s voice. In an instant it was clear. Sweet fucking Jesus. AJ was drinking. He’d been drinking when he made that call. From the sounds of it, quite a bit. He always spoke pretty well when drunk, at least until he was almost passing out. But otherwise, he didn’t slur too badly.
But a slur was evident in those words. How could he have missed it? “Oh sweet God.” He managed to get past his frozen lips.
“Sweet God is right. He’s fucking drunk in there, Bri. Drunk.” Nick barely managed to keep his voice from shouting. “He’s stayed sober for so fucking long now, and just because you thought it’d be easier on him to think you broke up with him than to know the fucking truth, now he’s at that fucking house drinking again.”
“Have…have you seen him?” Brian couldn’t stop himself from asking it. The nausea was starting to build, threatening to overwhelm him.
“I didn’t trust myself to go check on him and not tell him what was going on. I called D. He flew in this morning to come hang with me and get a break from his family. He’s on his way to check on him. An don’t worry. Your precious secret is safe. I told D that at no cost was he to tell AJ anything about knowing where you are. He swore he wouldn’t.”
Between the chemo in his body and the sickness that he felt at himself, Brian lost the battle with nausea. He dropped down as quickly as he could, burying his face in the toilet and throwing up the food they had forced down him at breakfast time. Even as he retched, tears streamed from his eyes until he was throwing up and crying together.
A soft sound came from above him, and then Nick was kneeling by his side, one arm across his shoulders. Very gently Nick pressed his forehead against the back of Brian’s head. “I’m sorry, Frick.” He whispered between bouts of retching. All Brian could do was lay his forehead against the cool porcelain seat as Nick continued to speak. “I shouldn’t have come at you like that. I know you do what you feel is right. You didn’t know he’d drink again. That was his choice. He’s a big boy. I’m sorry. This was from two days ago. Maybe he just slipped for a day, Rok. Don't let it tear you up until we know.”
“You’re right, though.” Brian said hoarsely. His whole world was tinged in pain. “You’re absolutely right in yelling at me. I did this to him. I thought it would be better this way, Nicky. But it just hurts. It hurts so much.”
“Let me go get him, Bri. Let me bring him here to you. It’s what you both need.”
“I can’t. When he finds out the truth now, Nick, he’ll hate me for hurting him like this. For lying to him. I made my bed. Now I’m stuck lying in it.”
There was nothing Nick could say to that. So he simply held his friend close and prayed to the Heavens above for something to happen to fix things between these two men he cared about.