His arrival at the hospital was quiet, just the way he wanted it. His check in was equally quiet. Even if they had spoken to him, Brian doubted that he would have heard a word. He couldn’t focus on any of that right at the moment. It just wasn’t in him to have that much energy. Honestly, Brian knew he was lost inside of his own head. Nothing started to clear until he was sitting in the hospital bed, dressed in familiar hospital slacks and shirt, and the doctor walked in.
Dr. Tim looked at Brian with sympathy in his eyes as he came in and sat on the couch by the bed. “I’m sorry to have to see you back here again, Brian.” He said gently.
Pain radiated through Brian, but he managed a nonchalant shrug. “I’m here, that’s what matters. What’s our plan, Dr. Tim?” he asked. Right at that moment he wasn’t feeling up to being polite, or beating around the bush, or anything like that. His heart was still breaking over what he had done to AJ. His mind was whirling with the words they’d exchanged, the look on AJ’s face when Brian had thrown those words at him, and the fact that his own body was trying to kill him again.
“We’re going to start off with chemo again, and we’d like to do something called a stem cell transplant. We want to keep this from progressing to your spinal column.” Dr. Tim explained calmly. He could see the glazed look in Brian’s eyes and wondered to himself where AJ was at. Those two were usually inseparable. It didn’t take a genius to put together the pain in Brian’s eyes with AJ’s absence.
Brian looked down at his hands. There were small bruises from where his suitcase handles had dug in to his skin. “What’s stem cell transplant?” he asked.
Adjusting himself into a more comfortable position, Dr. Tim tried to give him the best explanation that he could. “Stem cell transplant is a method of giving chemotherapy and replacing blood-forming cells destroyed by the cancer treatment. Stem cell, which are immature blood cells, are removed from the blood or bone marrow of the patient or a donor and are frozen and stored. After the chemotherapy is completed, the stored stem cells are thawed and given back to the patient through an infusion. These reinfused stem cells grow into and restore the body's blood cells.”
For the most part it made sense to Brian. But he couldn’t completely process it. The pain in his heart was consuming most of him, making it difficult for his brain to concentrate on anything.
Watching Brian’s face, Dr. Tim contemplated the question that sat on the tip of his tongue. In a moment he decided that he and Brian had become friendly enough for him to gently ask his question. “I’m rather curious, where is AJ at? Usually he’s glued to your side. He might be able to help you understand what we’re doing a little bit better.”
Pain flashed white hot through Brian. He turned his eyes away, feeling suddenly hurt and ashamed of himself. “He won’t be here.” He whispered gently. The room filled with silence. Unable to bear it, Brian found himself saying more than he had intended. “He has no idea I’ve relapsed. I won’t put him through that again. He deserves better than to sit by my side watching my body try to kill me.”
This time the silence was thick, and slightly uncomfortable. When he couldn’t bear it anymore, Brian looked to Dr. Tim. He saw the flash of censure in the doctor’s eyes, but it was quickly covered with that look that doctors are so good at. A look that didn’t let out any more than they wanted to be seen. “It’s your choice how your treatment goes.” He finally said as he rose to his feet. “We’ll let you get settled in tonight, and come in once you’re up in the morning to harvest the stem cells. After that we’ll start the chemo back up.”
With the distinct impression that Dr. Tim was irritated with him, Brian watched him leave. Once he was alone he rose from his bed and rushed to the bathroom. Only in there, with the door shut, did Brian finally feel alone enough to give vent to his pain. He leaned back against the door, wrapping his arms around his stomach as he slid to the ground. Silent tears ran down his face.
Oh God, oh God. How was he going to make it through this? How could he do it all without AJ by his side? AJ was the only reason he had stayed sane last time. The only reason that he’d continued to fight so hard. Yet Brian knew he couldn’t make AJ watch this. Couldn’t bear to see that fear in AJ’s eyes. He told himself that the pain AJ felt now was nothing to what he would feel if he knew the truth.
AJ would get over him. He would hurt for a while, but when Brian had no contact with him, he would just move on. Find someone else to live his life with. The idea of that twisted Brian’s insides even more so that he had to bite his lip to keep from wailing. This was what was best. AJ would move on, and be with someone who was healthy, and alive. The pain he felt now wouldn’t last long. AJ was resilient.
Even in his own mind Brian recognized the lies for what they were.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Much to Brian’s surprise, the days at the hospital actually started to blend together. He didn’t really pay any attention what they were doing to him. He did his chemo, and was as violently ill as ever. But, it was like it was happening to someone else. What did it matter when, inside, his heart was breaking? He could barely bring himself to eat. Each time he tried, all he saw were visions of AJ the last time they were here. AJ coaxing him into eating something, and cooling his neck when he couldn’t hold it down.
How fucked up was it that even throwing up made him think of AJ and miss him? Miss the way he would bring a cool washcloth and wipe the sweat off of his face. Or the way he would, when he silently noticed that the nausea was at its worst, reach that thumb out and find that pressure point that cut the nausea in half. Brian never could seem to find it on his own.
He missed the way that AJ ran out after each shower and had Brian feel his head to make sure that no hair was left behind. He missed watching AJ rub absently at his head in that gesture he had developed over the past few months. Hell, he missed listening to him snore in bed at night, or the way he would sprawl out and take up most of the bed with his little body.
Why was doing the right thing so hard? Why did it have to hurt so much?
All of this ran through Brian’s mind as he bent over the toilet in his bathroom, throwing up the few crackers that he’d managed to choke down. He was oblivious to the world around him. That was how come he didn’t hear anyone come into his room until they opened the bathroom door. Even then he didn’t bother looking up. Who cared if the nurses saw him vomit? They were used to that kind of shit.
Then he heard the voice that shocked him out of his stupor. “Jesus Christ, Frick. I didn’t believe it at first. But…Jesus.”
Spinning his head, Brian barely got a second to register that Nick was there before the quick movement caught up to him and he was turning back to the toilet to empty his stomach yet again. But even as he threw up he wondered what the hell Nick was doing there.
Finally the heaving paused long enough for him to lean back against the wall. This time he moved slower as he lifted his head to look up at Nick. “What…” he paused to lick his dry lips. “What are you doing here?”
Nick squatted down against the opposite wall, his blue eyes locked onto Brian. There was a slight anger in there, but it was overpowered by worry. “Kevin got a call that you were here from some anonymous source. Some press dude who owes Kev a favor and found out you were here. We got his silence in exchange for an exclusive with him later. Since Kev’s busy right now, and I was closer, he called me to ask me to come check it out and find out what the hell was going on. I thought, I thought you were done with this. That you could do the rest of your treatment at home.”
Looking into Nick’s face, the lie on Brian’s tongue shriveled up. Before he could think about it the truth spilled out. “It came back.”
Instantly the sympathy in Nick’s eyes grew. “Fuck, Frick. I’m so sorry.” He whispered, reaching out to lightly touch Brian’s hand. “God, why didn’t you call us?”
Brian closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the cool wall. “I couldn’t.”
“You should have, Bri. We’re your friends. Your family.” Running a hand through his hair, Nick glared at the floor for a second, trying to control the small amount of anger he felt. “I can almost see your twisted logic in this. But why didn’t J call us? He should know better. Why didn’t he talk you out of keeping it a secret?”
Silence filled the bathroom. Everything in Brian locked down in pain. His heart gave a hard throb as if to remind him of what was missing. Just hearing AJ’s name tore at him. Something of it must have leaked onto his face, because Nick was suddenly quiet. Brian didn’t pay him any attention. He fought to bring the grief and the heartache under control.
Then, very quietly, Nick asked “Brian, where’s AJ?”
Brian couldn’t answer him. He couldn’t make himself even open his eyes.
Again, “Brian. Where is AJ at?”
Nothing. How could he admit what he did? No one would understand. They couldn’t possibly begin to fathom how much Brian had needed to do this alone. How he had needed to protect his friends from the worry and the pain. So he stayed quiet and willed the pain under control the same as he was willing the nausea to stay down.
“Holy shit.” Nick whispered in realization. His eyes almost bugged out of his head when he saw the pain tighten Brian’s features. He knew his best friend, and could easily see what had happened. “You didn’t tell him.” It wasn’t a question.
Still nothing from Brian. What could he say to that?
“Jesus fucking Christ, Brian. Where does he think you are?”
When Brian opened his eyes he could still feel the tears lurking there, waiting to fall. He couldn’t let them fall. “I told him I needed time to reevaluate our relationship.” He whispered the words, knowing what Nick’s reaction would be. But there was no hiding it from Nick. His friend wasn’t going to leave now that he knew what was happening. If Brian wanted Nick to keep his mouth shut about things, he was going to have to explain his side. Otherwise the first place that Nick would run would be to AJ’s house to tell him everything.
Shock covered Nick’s face and his mouth dropped open. “What? Brian, why?”
“I won’t let him watch me die, Nick.” The words were said quietly, and in them, Nick could hear all the pain in Brian’s heart. It stopped any words that he had been about to say, so that all he could do was listen as Brian continued to speak in that voice that was painful just to hear. “He went through so much by my side last time. I won’t do that to him again. He…he’ll move on, and he’ll be happier.”
That snapped Nick out of it. “Bullshit. He loves you, Bri. You. That’s not something a person just gets over. Especially not a person like AJ. When he gives his heart to someone, friend or love, he does it all the way. He won’t just go find someone else.”
“I have to believe he will. I can’t let him sit here and watch me die, Nick.”
“You’re not going to die.” Those words were said with such fear in them that Brian had to look at his best friend. A part of him wanted to argue with Nick, and make his points, but he was suddenly overcome with another wave of nausea and had to bury his face in the toilet again.
When it passed he turned to look at Nick, who had stayed with him the entire time. “You can’t tell him, Nick.” He stressed, trying to take advantage of the moment where he wasn’t hurling. “I’m serious. You can’t tell him.”
“What? Bri…”
“You can’t, Nick! This is my life, and my choice! Promise me you won’t tell him!” Brian insisted. Raising his voice brought the nausea back up and he was turning to the toilet again, dry heaving. There was nothing left in him to throw up.
When he was done a cup of water was pressed into his hand. Gratefully he took a sip. His eyes raised and locked on to Nick’s, silently pleading his best friend.
With a sigh Nick sat back again. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t see any way out of it. “Fine, Rok. Fine. I won’t tell him. I just hope to God that when he finds out, he doesn’t kill me for it.” He grumbled.
Brian answered by turning his head and retching again.