He was a grade A ass hole. Anyone who met you could tell you that. AJ Mclean was a fucking dick. At least, that was what they said about him now. He’d made sure that they’d think of him that way. Things were safer then. When people were furious with you, they didn’t take the time to see underneath. They didn’t bother looking.

 

He could deal with their looks. They didn’t bother him. It was just one face that hurt to see. One hurt expression that tore his heart out time and time again. Even if it was for the best, there were times he thought he would die for seeing the pain he’d inflicted to that one person. The one who mattered more than anyone else.

 

Brian Thomas Littrell.

 

Was there any man made more perfect on the earth than him? Sweet, kind, loving. His. Or, at one time he had been. But no more. He’d chased him away. By chasing him away, he’d chased off everyone else too, which was what he wanted. Right? It was for the best.

 

 

 

That was what he told himself. When he was alone at night in bed, or in the bunks on the bus only feet away from Brian as he slept, he repeated those words like a litany. This was for the best. Somehow he couldn’t make himself fully believe it.

 

There was so much at stake here. No one understood. None of them could understand what he was going through. Nick walked around with an angry expression on his face every time he caught sight of AJ. He looked like he wanted to run over and hit him. AJ wouldn’t have minded. It would have been a vent to what he was feeling inside.

 

Howie looked angry, but mostly disappointed. As if AJ had done something that he had never thought possible, and it broke his heart to see it.

 

Kevin looked smug. This was all because of him, anyways. What AJ did was because of Kevin. But no one else could know that. No, he had to keep his secret, keep Brian’s secret. This was for the best.

 

Still, late at night he couldn’t stop Kevin’s words from ringing in his mind.

 

 

 

“You’ll destroy him, AJ. Is that what you want? Are you so fucking selfish that you’d put your happiness above Brian’s? If you loved him you wouldn’t put him in this position!”

 

He hadn’t been trying to be selfish! He’d been trying to be happy. It felt so good and so right to be with Brian. When those warm arms wrapped around him, everything in AJ’s world seemed brighter and better. When Brian kissed him, he lit up like the fourth of July. Just being in his presence was usually enough to sooth AJ.

 

“They’ll cut him out of the family. Do you want him to lose his family? They’ll do it, AJ. His parents won’t understand your relationship. Just to be with you will be causing him to lose almost all of his family members. Do you want to be responsible for that? He’s already been in one fight because of you.”

 

That had hurt. Finding out that someone on the tour had been giving Brian shit for being with him. That Brian had cornered the person and told them to shut their mouth and back off. He’d walked away with a black eye. The other guy had walked away with two. But that bruise on Brian’s lovely skin had been so hard for AJ to see.

 

 

 

For days Kevin had battered at him until AJ couldn’t help but realize he was right. So he did the only thing he could do. He did what Kevin said he should do. He broke it off with Brian. But the only thing was, Brian hadn’t accepted it. He’d spent the entire night talking to AJ, refusing to leave until they worked things out.

 

AJ hadn’t told him what Kevin had said. He’d just told Brian that he was scared. By morning, they were ok again.

 

Two days later Brian got in another fight for him. That was the last straw. How could he say he loved Brian and put him through this? Through what was to come later on? Kevin was right. His family would desert him. They would cut him out of their lives and it would devastate Brian. This was the only thing he could do to protect him. He knew now that words wouldn’t work. Brian knew him too well. He’d talk him out of it.

 

So AJ had gone out for a while, and found some girl at a bar. He’d drank only one drink, enough to get him smelling like it, and then he’d brought the girl back to the hotel with him. He’d time everything just right. Just as he and the girl fell onto the bed together, Brian walked in.

 

The look he’d given AJ would forever be burned in his mind. Hurt, pain, shock, betrayal. He’d said nothing, simply turned and left. AJ had promptly got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up.

 

Since then no one spoke to him. Brian avoided him as much as possible. The constant pain that was in Brian’s eyes was so hard to bear, but AJ knew it was for the best. That litany, over and over.  He started going out to the bars in the evening just to chase away the pain, to escape from those haunting blue eyes. Yet everywhere he looked, there they were.

 

The drinking grew until it started to consume his life. But it was the only thing that made the pain bearable. It gave him strength to see Brian, day after day, and not tell him the truth. Otherwise, without it, he would have broken down by then and begged Brian to forgive him.

 

 

 

One night he stumbled back to the hotel, not sure how he had managed to make it there. He wasn’t near as drunk as he wanted to be. The pain was still there like a vise around his heart. Squeezing him until he thought he would break underneath it. Stepping off the elevator, he passed Nick in the hall. The look on Nick’s face should have killed him.

 

Sometimes he wished something would.

 

Nausea boiled up in him. He barely made it inside of his room and to the bathroom before everything he’d drank came back up. It burned his throat and hurt his head. That was fine. Physical pain was a distraction from emotional pain.

 

When he was finally done he dragged himself out of the bathroom on his hands and knees, but couldn’t make it to the bed. Instead he lay down on the floor and stared at the wall. He didn’t realize that he’d left his door open. Didn’t know that someone had come inside and shut it.

 

But he heard footsteps coming toward him. He was sober enough to wonder who the hell it was. No one cared about coming to see him anymore. Then that familiar smell hit his nose just as the person squatted beside him. AJ found himself squeezing his eyes shut to stem the pain. God, oh God. What was he doing here?

 

Brian knelt quietly by his head. He stayed quiet for so long that AJ felt as if his nerves would break. Just as he would have screamed, begged, pleaded, anything!, Brian spoke.

 

“Why?”

 

The word tore through AJ like razors. He didn’t realize that his hands were gripping his shoulders, that he was holding his chest against the pain that was there. It took everything he had to make his voice hard and cold. “It’s who I am.”

 

“I deserve an answer, AJ.” That soft voice again, speaking to him almost like he used to. Couldn’t he just leave? Oh God, how would he hold up if Brian didn’t leave? How much would it hurt when he did? “I need to know. Why would you pretend to sleep with someone else, AJ?”

 

Wait, pretend? How the hell did he know that AJ had been pretending? AJ found himself tipping his head up to look into the eyes that haunted him day and night. Eyes that he had always loved to stare in to. With Brian looking at him so intently, AJ couldn’t bring the lie to the surface. “How did you know?” he whispered brokenly.

 

“One thing you’re not is a cheater. It took me a while of thinking about things, and getting past the pain, to remember that. Why did you do it? I can’t move on until I know why you left. Was it something that I did?”

 

Sweet Jesus. AJ’s heart broke even more. Not only had he hurt Brian, but he’d made him doubt himself as well. None of this was working the way it was supposed to! The first tear slid from his eye. Thank God that the room was dark but for moonlight. “You did nothing.” He rasped at his love. This was for the best. This was for the best. Somehow the litany seemed to have lost his strength.

 

“Then why, AJ?”

 

Such simple words spoken in such a broken voice. God, he was a fucking bastard. He curled his head back down and rested his cheek on the ground. There, he forced out the hardest words he had ever said in his entire life. “I don’t love you.”

 

“Bullshit.” There was no hesitation before Brian’s answer. His voice was packed full of anger now. That word cracked out like a whip, making AJ flinch in on himself.

 

“Just go, Brian. I don’t want you here.” AJ made himself say the words even though they were the farthest from the truth. All he wanted was Brian’s arms around him to hold him tight. To chase away the pain. But that would be selfish, just like Kevin said.

 

A hand grabbed hold of AJ’s hair, yanking his head up enough that he was face to face with Brian. He prayed the darkness would hide his tears. “Why on earth are you lying to me over and over again, AJ? What is going on? You’re not a cheater, and you’re not a liar. What the hell is going on?” Suddenly Brian froze, the hand holding AJ’s hair going perfectly still. “AJ…” Hesitant, then softer than ever. “Are you crying?”

 

AJ jerked his head, trying to get free from Brian’s grip. It didn’t work. Since there was no way he could deny it, he chose not to answer, even as the tears still continued to fall. The next thing he knew Brian was letting go of his head. Before AJ could even think about hiding his face, Brian was lying down on the ground beside him, gathering him into his arms.

 

Tears came hotter and faster. He couldn’t stop them. Not here; not in Brian’s arms.

 

“God, Alex, talk to me! What’s going on?”

 

“You have to go!” AJ gasped out between tears. “I can’t do this with you here! I’m not that strong. Please, go, before it’s too late. Before I lose it all.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, not ever again. I love you, Alex, and I know you love me. Tell me what’s going on.”

 

Somehow, between the tears and the sobs, AJ found himself doing just that. He told him everything that Kevin had said, and all the personal fears he had of Brian being hurt by their relationship. Everything that had been in his mind for days upon days now he poured out to the one he loved.


When he was done he sobbed against Brian’s chest. Instead of pulling way, Brian brought him closer. “You idiot.” He whispered. The tone was fond, though, which wasn’t what AJ expected. “You blind little fool. Don’t you know that it doesn’t matter what my family says?”

 

“But they’re your family, Bri! I can’t have you lose them because of me!”

 

“Don’t you know you are my family, AJ? The rest of it doesn’t matter. I have my whole world right here in my arms. So long as I have you, none of the rest of it matters.”

 

The sincerity of his words took down the last of AJ’s walls. He wasn’t strong enough to walk away again. With a few quiet words and the touch of his hug, Brian had broken down all of his defenses. AJ gave himself over to that love and finally brought his own arms up to embrace Brian. “I love you. I love you.” That litany repeated in his mind now, sounding so perfect, so right. This was how it was meant to be.

 

“I know. I love you too, Alex. My baby, my love, my partner, my family.”