*May 1st, 2004*<?xml:namespace prefix = o />
*Jaden is 7 months old*
“Come on you two!” Brian called out as he stood tapping his toes in the entry way. The diaper bag was already slung over one shoulder, his hat already on, and his keys were jiggling in his hand. “We don’t want to be late for our own show, Alex.”
Laughter came down the hallway from the direction of their bedroom. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” There was definite humor in AJ’s voice. “Someone just decided to run off on me, so it took a minute to catch him.” AJ’s voice grew a little louder as he came out of the hallway and started toward Brian. On one hip he balanced Jaden, who was grinning just as wide as his daddy.
Brian reached out and stuck a hat on Jaden’s head, snugging it down comfortably. “Were you crawling off from Daddy again?” He teased the little boy.
Excited, Jaden let out a stream of baby jabber and kicked his legs. He swung his hands, catching AJ’s glasses and almost knocking them off his face. The two men laughed as AJ adjusted his glasses. “Careful, little one.” AJ teased, catching one of Jaden’s fists and shaking it a little to make the boy laugh. “You’ll knock Daddy’s eyes off.”
“Wouldn’t that be funny, today of all days? Watching you going around trying to talk to people and do things without being able to see.”
AJ stuck his tongue out at Brian as he passed him. “Hush, you. I can see a little without them!” Neither of them commented on how bad AJ’s eyes had become. Within the past few months he’d had to get a new pair of glasses; his eyesight had grown worse.
Shutting the door behind them, Brian locked it before following AJ to the car. “Still say it’d be funny.” As he rounded the hood of the car he pantomimed being blind, feeling his way along the car till he opened the door. AJ was buckling Jaden into his car seat, laughing as he watched his husband. “Knock it off!” he called out. Looking at Jaden, AJ shook his head and grinned. “Your Papa is a freak.”
“Hey now, don’t be lying to the boy!”
“Lies? Psh, who needs lies when the truth works just fine!” AJ called back.
This simple teasing made Brian’s heart light. Days like this he could actually forget the dark cloud that hung at the edges of their life. For a while they could act like a normal family. “Your version of the truth is slightly skewed, husband.” He teased as he slid behind the wheel. The look AJ gave him had Brian laughing while he shut the door. “My version?” AJ asked.
“You heard me.” After starting the car, Brian turned to look behind him as he backed out of the driveway. He spared a moment to make a face at Jaden, making the boy laugh and babble again. Though his words weren’t really distinguishable, he constantly babbled at them. When he put the car in drive and headed down the road, he said “He’s getting so damn big.”
AJ’s smile was wide when he turned to look behind him at Jaden. “He is. The doc sure was surprised to find out he was crawling already. I guess he’s a pretty smart kind for his age.”
“I’m surprised he’s learned to move at all with as much as everyone holds him.” Whenever they were around their friends and family, Jaden didn’t have much opportunity to be on the ground. Someone was always holding him. “He’s definitely got quite a few people who love him.”
“He’s a special guy. Doesn’t hurt that he’s handsome as sin.”
“Just like his daddy.” Brian smiled as he said it. He felt AJ’s hand settle on his leg, rubbing lightly through the material in appreciation of the compliment. It was the truth. Jaden looked so much like AJ. The same color to his hair and eyes; the same slight tan to his skin that AJ had. There were bits of Mikayla in him, like the shape of his nose or his ears. But he had AJ’s smile and the same mischievous twinkle to his eyes.
AJ turned to look forward again. “He’s got some of you in him too, love. I swear he has your naturally sunny disposition.”
“All in all I’d say we got pretty lucky with him.”
As if in agreement, Jaden let out a cheerful squeal from the backseat. The two men laughed. They stayed quiet the rest of the ride downtown. When they got close to their destination, AJ pulled his hand off of Brian’s leg and brought it to his lap to rub at his shirt without even seeming to realize it. Brian saw it out of the corner of his eye and smiled. Some things about AJ would never change. “Getting nervous about this, husband?”
“Hm?” AJ looked over at him, his eyes distant. He shook his head. “Oh, well, a little. This is important to me, Bri. I want to do this right.”
For months AJ had been planning his foundation, slogging through paperwork to get things setting up, taking care of permits and paperwork, finding employees to work for him. Making sure that everything was just right. Then he’d had to find a building to house the center he wanted. This was the first building they would open.
All the employees had been hired. The building had been purchased and stocked with the necessary medical clinic. It was going to be a clinic located in downtown Denver. A clinic full of doctors and nurses, associated with the nearby hospital, geared to people with low to no income, where they could come and receive treatment and medication.
It was a hell of an undertaking. Brian had helped with it through the whole process. This wasn’t an endeavor that was simply AJ’s; the two of them had invested quite a bit of time and money into it. But it was something that they were passionate about. The Littrell AIDS foundation had started out as a simple dream to assist those who couldn’t afford treatment, but it had grown beyond that dream into something very real.
The center was due to open in two months’ time, officially. Today, though, was an important day. They were heading to Elite Gardens Theme Park for the charity event they were hosting to raise money for the center. Not just to raise money, but to get the word out. This had taken quite a bit of planning. First AJ had contacted them, explained what he wanted. Then there’d been meetings to discuss what they would do. After plenty of hard work on both their parts, they’d come to an agreement. Then they’d had to advertise and get the word out.
Today the Backstreet Boys were performing at Elite Gardens in a charity concert. All money for the tickets would go toward the center. Anyone who showed their tickets as proof that they attended the concert would get a discount on tickets or bracelets for the rest of the theme park. To add on to it, the theme park had agreed that half the money they made at the park that day would be donated to the center as well.
To add on to it, they would have their usual merchandise booths set up, again with the proceeds to be donated.
The other members of the band were going to meet them at the theme park. Most likely they were already there. Mikayla was supposed to be back from visiting her family as well. She’d agreed to be back in time for this, not only to help out, but to keep an eye on Jaden for them while they performed. This was the first concert they’d done in years and honestly, they were all eager to be back out on the stage. This was also the first concert where they’d perform the songs off of ‘Never Gone’.
Brian took one hand off the wheel as he parked the car in the employee parking lot at Elite Gardens. He put the car in park and turned it off before turning to take AJ’s hands in his. “You’ll do fine out there, AJ. You’ll do this right, don’t worry. What you’re doing here, it’s amazing. Things will go great, you’ll see.”
Embarrassment had AJ’s cheeks flushing slightly. “Not just me, Bri. Us. What we’re doing here. This isn’t just mine, it’s ours.”
Now that the car had stopped moving, Jaden let out a loud squeal and banged his hands onto the tray of his car seat. The two men laughed, their moment broken. Brian couldn’t keep from smiling as he unbuckled and climbed from the car. He heard AJ talking softly to Jaden as he got him from his seat. While AJ did that, Brian went to the back of the car and pulled out the stroller. He had it open and ready when AJ came to the back.
He strapped Jaden in and attached the toy tray with its buttons and noise and colors. Jaden couldn’t really do much but bang it yet, but he had a blast doing that. Once he was in, AJ stuck the diaper bag underneath and stepped around to the back, joining Brian there. AJ took hold of the strollers handle and set off through the parking lot. Smiling, Brian slid his hand into AJ’s back pocket, staying close to his side. Quite a domestic image they presented.
It didn’t take them long to find their way to the concert arena. There were technicians already running all over the place, both on stage and offstage. And, sure enough, Kevin, Nick and Howie were all waiting backstage for them.
Kevin noticed them first and his face split into a wide grin. “Bout time you guys showed up!” he called out.
Within moments they were surrounded, everyone exchanging hugs with Brian and AJ before crouching down to say hello to Jaden. He was everyone’s little love, spoiled by all his Uncles.
“You guys live the closest and you got here the latest.” Howie teased, slinging an arm over AJ’s shoulders.
Chuckling, Brian grinned at them. “You know this one here. Takes forever to pretty up so he can leave the house.”
AJ glared at him. “Shove it, Brian! I do not.”
“You totally do, Age. It’s ok though, I love you anyways, vanity and all.”
A musical laugh came from behind them. Without even turning around, Brian knew it was Mikayla. He turned right as she walked up, giving her a quick squeeze. “Welcome back, Kay.”
“Good to be back. Nice to see y’all are still just as loving as when I left.” Her smile was impish and full of good humor. She popped over by AJ, kissing his cheek. He hugged her, tugging lightly on one curl. “Good to see you too, brat.” He said teasingly.
“Yeah, like I said. Loving.” She winked at him.
A stage hand ran up then, interrupting their reunion. It was time to start prepping them for the stage. So Jaden was passed off to Mikayla after both his daddies gave him lots of kisses and love and then the five boys were geared up for stage. Once it all got started it seemed to go by quickly. Brian watched AJ as the noise outside grew louder and louder with the filling arena. When AJ turned, catching Brian look at him, the two shared a smile. Things were going to be great.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ took a deep breath, adjusting his shirt one last time. He ignored the noise around him for the moment, ignored everything but what he was about to do. So far everything he'd done for his foundation had been meetings and phone calls and checks and paperwork. Now he was going to get out there and give a speech about what they were doing, what he hoped to do with this. The concert part was easy, they’d done that a million times before in their career. But this foundation was important to him and he wanted to represent it well.
One of the stage hands gave them the signal and they all moved up to the curtain. A voice on stage was introducing them, giving a quick rundown on why they were there, and then their names were being called and AJ was taking a deep breath. He felt Brian’s hand close over his, giving a brief squeeze before letting go so that they could all run onto stage.
Once AJ caught sight of the crowd and felt that familiar rush at being onstage, he felt some of his fears melt away. It was a million times easier to walk over to his mic and call out “Good afternoon, everyone! How’re we all doing today? You enjoying the sunshine?”
The screams erupted through the audience as each member of the group said their hellos. Then it was AJ’s turn to take center stage. He took a deep breath, pulled his mic from the stand, and stepped forward.
“I just want to take a moment before the show starts to thank you all for coming today.” He started out, smiling at them all. “This is the very first charity event that I’m hosting for the Littrell AIDS foundation. All the money that we raise here today will go directly toward funding the center that I’m opening here in Denver.”
Flashes went off all over the place. The media had been allowed in, welcome in was more like. Any publicity they could get out of this was wonderful. But that also meant that AJ’s words would be played on tons of shows all over the world. He tried not to let that make him nervous. He looked over the sea of fans and just let himself absorb the feeling of being back on stage again. Back in the one area he had always shown.
“Now, I know that everyone knows about my own circumstances. How I contracted HIV through a bad batch of blood when I received a transfusion. Now, I’m lucky enough that I have the money to afford the medications that I need to take. Not everyone out there realizes how important that medication is. I have to take my meds twice a day, without fail. Not late, not early, but at the same time every single day for the rest of my life. If I miss a dose, or if I don’t take it on time, my body can build up a resistance to it and the medication won’t work anymore.”
As he spoke AJ paced back and forth a little on the stage. He felt his nerves melt almost completely away. His passion at his cause took those nerves and made them vanish.
“The most common treatment for HIV is a regime called HAART. Did you know that, on average, HAART medication costs anywhere from ten to twenty thousand dollars per person per year? Imagine paying that much a year for the rest of your life. Would you be able to afford it?
“There are so many people out there who either don’t have insurance, or their insurance will only pay partial costs on things, and they’re left trying to come up with the money for these medications. Many times people have to go without the medication because they can’t afford to pay for it. Men, women, children.”
He stopped mid stage, looking out at everyone. The whole arena was silent, all eyes and cameras fixed directly on him.
“Without treatment, the average survival time after infection is somewhere around nine to eleven years. Once it’s progressed to AIDS, if no medication is taken, the survival time is around six to nineteen months.” AJ paused to let this sink in. “With medication that number goes way up. In a newly infected person, if they’re started on the HAART regime, life expectancy is raised to twenty years. Twenty.
“These people are losing years of their lives because they can’t afford the medication that they have to have. Yet here I am, perfectly capable of affording my own medication and of doing something to help other people afford theirs. How could I sit back and not provide help to those who need it?
“I started this foundation because I am someone who can do some good in this world before I pass away. I have the luck to be in a position in life that I can get my message out to the world. People all over will hear me and maybe they’ll be inspired to do something. With my celebrity status, I have the ability to fund a center like this and get it running and to have charity functions like this so that I can raise more money to keep the center going. Because of this, some people out there will have years on their lives that they never would have had without this.”
AJ looked behind him at his friends and gave them a smile. “I’m blessed at having people in my life who have not only been supportive, but who are willing to do this with me and help me out in my cause. People that I know, once I’m gone, will continue to carry on my message and to work to see that my dream grows. I’m blessed with a husband who’s just as passionate about this as I am.”
Turning back to look at the audience again, AJ took another deep breath. “I hope that you all take a moment today to think about the people out there who have to live like this. People who are made to feel ashamed for what’s wrong with them, no matter how they contracted it. People that you may pass by every day in the street, never knowing that inside of them, their body is slowly killing them and they have no way to stop it and no money to treat it.
“Mothers, daughters, sisters, grandchildren, brothers, sons, fathers, husbands, wives. Each person is somebody’s somebody. Each one has someone who loves them and who will miss them when they’re gone. With the Littrell AIDS foundation, I want to give them the opportunity that’s been given me. To spend their time with those that they love for as long as they have left. I want to give them the one thing in the world that everyone else takes for granted. Time.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later Brian sat curled up in the passenger seat of the car, yawning to himself. Mikayla had left earlier with his car, but thankfully Nick had offered to drive him, AJ, and Jaden home. It was dark out as they drove, music playing softly on the speakers, and it was almost enough to put Brian to sleep. It had been a long time since they’d done a concert like that and he’d forgotten how much it took out of you to do a show like that.
He’d loved it, though, and was glad to have been back out on stage. He’d missed that. They all had.
The car pulling into the drive pulled Brian from his thoughts. Once the car was in park, Brian opened his door and stepped out, automatically moving around the car to the door behind the driver’s seat. Brian reached into the dark car, expertly undoing Jaden’s buckles and transferring his sleeping son from the car seat and up into his arms. Jaden snuggled into the curve of his neck with a sigh. “Thanks for the ride home, Nick.” He said, looking to the front seat. “We appreciate it.”
“No prob, Bri.” Nick leaned out the driver’s window and grinned. “Not like the hotel is far from here.”
“Still, I know Sam’s probably waiting for you.”
“Yeah.” This time Nick’s grin was softer, his eyes full of love. “She probably is.” Tipping his head toward the backseat, Nick tried to look through the dark. “J? You getting out or you just going to hang out in my car all night?”
No response from the backseat. Nick turned around in his seat and Brian tipped his head to peek in through the window. They both saw AJ, curled up with his feet on the seat, arms folded over his knees and head resting on his arms. He’d fallen asleep. A soft smile lit Brian’s face. “Poor guy. The show tired him out more than he wanted to admit. Just give me a second to go around and wake him up, Nick.”
Before Brian could start to walk around, the driver’s door opened up and Nick climbed out. “Don’t wake him, Bri.” He said with a shake of his head. “He did a lot today. Let him sleep, I’ll get him.”
“You sure?”
The dry look Nick gave him had Brian chuckling. Without saying anything else, Nick went around the car and opened up AJ’s door. Brian watched Nick gently unhook AJ’s buckle and move it out of the way. Then he was sliding one arm behind AJ’s knees and the other around his back. Even asleep, AJ shifted to better adjust, well used to this maneuver.
Nick easily straightened up, AJ cradled in his arms. “God, he’s lost weight.” He whispered.
A quick stab hit Brian right around his heart. “I know.” He started up toward the house, digging in one pocket for his keys. “He’s been eating better lately. Better than he has in the past few years. But it doesn’t seem to put weight on him.” Which was something that drove AJ crazy. He had always been annoyed at being as small as he was. Now that he’d shrunk even more, he hated it. It made him feel like a kid, he often said.
Once he got the door unlocked, Brian let them in. “If you’d just put him in the bedroom for me, Nick, I’d appreciate it.”
“No problem.”
Brian headed upstairs with Jaden, taking him to the nursery. He stripped his son out of his day clothes, checked his diaper and found it dry, and managed to get him into pajama’s all without fully waking him up. When he lay Jaden down and tucked him in, the little boy rolled on to his side and snuggled right up with the stuffed monkey that was there. Brian smiled, brushing back a curl so he could lean down and kiss that sweet forehead. “Night, honey.” He whispered.
After flicking on the baby monitor and turning the lights off, Brian slid from the room, shutting the door. He quietly made his way downstairs. Nick was waiting for him at the front door, staring out into the night. Brian walked over to him, curious about the look on Nick’s face. “You ok, Nick?”
“Yeah.” Nick sighed softly, his eyes still focused on the night. “I was just thinking.”
Because Brian knew his friend, he knew where Nick’s thoughts were. He reached out and lightly touched Nick’s arm. “He’s fine, Nick.”
“I guess I just hadn’t realized how much this shit is really doing to him. I mean, the glasses, the weight. He was so light, Bri. I could have carried him with one arm.”
The truth of the words made Brian’s heart ache. “I know. He hates it, but the doctor said that it’s just part of all this. He’s put on a little bit recently, a few pounds, and the doctor has been trying to adjust some things to try to help him out.”
“It just kind of hit me when I carried him in. All we did was one concert and look at him. So tired he didn’t even stir when I picked him up or even when I laid him down. It wasn’t even a full concert like we do on tour.” Nick turned his head, his sad eyes locking onto Brian. “He’ll never be able to tour again, will he?”
The look on Nick’s face said he knew the answer, but Brian said it anyways. “No, he won’t. It’d be too much for him. Not just exhausting, but there’d be too much exposure to diseases. We’re very cautious about what he comes into contact with, at least as much as we can be.”
“God.” Nick brought a hand up to run over his face. “In my head, I know all this is happening to him. But stuff like this, it still seems to come up and slam me in the face.”
“I know what you mean.”
For a moment the two stood there, saying nothing. Then Nick spoke in a soft voice. “He doesn’t deserve this.” He sighed, pulling his keys out of his pocket. “He’s a good guy, he doesn’t deserve this.”
Brian leaned forward and gave Nick a hug. “I know, honey.”
With one last look, Nick started down the walkway. He paused, turning to look at Brian again. “You don’t deserve this either, Bri. I’m sorry.” That said, he turned and headed to his car. Brian waited until he was gone before shutting the door. For a moment he simply rested his forehead against it. No, none of them deserved this, but it was their life.
Taking a deep breath, Brian pushed those thoughts aside, locked the door, and headed down to his room to get ready for bed.