*July 15th, 2003*
“Are you kidding me?” Mikayla demanded. She put her hands on her hips as she stared down at Brian, who sat on the studio couch, smiling up at her. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“So says you. There is no way that it’s any better.” Brian said calmly. He crossed his ankle over his knee, putting his arms over the back of the couch as he got comfortable. He looked extremely amused by their conversation.
With a soft grimace, Mikayla moved one hand to rest over her protruding stomach. “You’ve got to be kidding me? Everything about it is better!” She grimaced again and shifted from one foot to the other. Still smiling, Brian tipped his head sideways. “Moving around?” He asked, knowing the answer even without her nod. “To say the least. This kid definitely has its daddy’s energy.”
Unable to resist, Brian sat forward and put a hand on her stomach, feeling the kicks of the child inside. It never failed to amaze him to feel the movement of that life inside of her. His child. His and AJ’s child. They had no idea what the baby’s gender was; they’d all three agreed that they wanted it to be a surprise. It filled him with love and awe when he felt the kick against his hand.
Mikayla snorted and looked down at him. “Don’t be going all soft and shit. I’m not giving up on this argument. I’m right and you know it!” she insisted.
Just then the door opened and the rest of the band came filing in. They were in the studio, recording music for the new album. For a month they’d discussed songs and debated what they wanted to be on the album. After that, they’d all flown out and taken up residence for a short while to spend time recording at the studio. It was a slow going process, but one they were well used to. They only had another month left to record here, a deadline they’d set for themselves. Then they’d take off a few months for the birth of the baby.
After that, if there was any recording left, they’d do it at the studio in Denver. But they all hoped to be able to finish it off. This album seemed to be coming together very well and very quickly. They had eleven songs that they were recording, and five were already done. They didn’t have a title yet, though. Then, there was one more song Brian had been working on, one that he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to show everyone yet.
“What’re you two arguing about now?” AJ teased. He walked straight to the couch and plopped down beside Brian. Seeing his husband’s hands on Mikayla’s stomach, AJ instantly put his own hand there. He loved the feeling of his child kicking.
Looking down at the two of them, Mikayla couldn’t help but smile. Unlike most pregnant women, she didn’t mind having people touch her tummy at all. This was a good thing, being surrounded by so much ‘family’. All of the boys liked to feel her tummy at one point or another. AJ and Brian had been hesitant at first about invading her space, so she’d taken to putting their hands on her stomach when the child kicked just to get them used to it. Now it wasn’t uncommon to find one or both of them sitting with her, hand on her stomach, her hands resting over theirs.
Brian let go of Mikayla’s stomach to lace his fingers with AJ’s free hand. “We were debating the greatness of books. Little Missy here thinks Little Women outranks The Outsiders.” He explained.
The look AJ gave them was scornful. “Seriously? That’s the debate?” He looked from one to the other. “There’s no contest. Out of those two, The Outsiders has it made. It’s a timeless story with a great plot. The characters are rich and vibrant. I mean, come on. When Johnny dies at the end and tells Ponyboy to ‘stay gold’ it’s one of the best tearjerker moments ever. The emotion in that scene as he dies, as Dally finally shows how human he is, as he goes insane, well…. Like I said, there’s no contest.”
“Thank you!” Brian exclaimed, kissing AJ’s cheek loudly.
Scowling, Mikayla opened her mouth to argue, then closed it as well as her eyes. AJ jumped a little, feeling the force of the kicking under his hand. “Jesus, Kay. How on earth do you deal with that?” He asked her reverently.
“Easy, most of the time.” She said softly. “Right now, I feel like its feet are hooking in my ribs. Been an active day for baby today.”
With a smirk curving his lips, Brian looked over at Nick. “Oh, Nicky boy!” he called out in a sing song voice. Nick knew right away what he wanted. Without having to be asked, Nick moved over behind Mikayla and wrapped his arms around her, resting his hands on her stomach, a wry look on his face. Within a minute Mikayla sighed in relief.
It was their running joke that Nick was the antidote to the baby’s kicking. Ever since she’d started to feel movement and had let others feel it, they had discovered that when Nick put his hands on her stomach, the baby inevitably stopped kicking. Now she frequently used him to get a rest when the baby was extremely active.
Kevin smiled at them, a father presiding over his ‘children’. “You guys about ready to start back up? I just spoke with management and they want us to pick through the stacks and figure out one more song to add to the track list. They think eleven is too little. They’d really like us to nail down a title, too, so they can start all the press stuff.”
Something flashed over Mikayla’s face, the only warning that Brian had before she said “Bri has a song.”
“Shut up, Kay.” He said softly. She was the only one who knew about this song and that was only because she had caught him singing part to himself as he’d tried to work out a beat. This song was personal to him, one that he wasn’t sure he was willing to let everyone see. It was a piece of his heart right there on paper. Right out in the open for everyone to see. It was the pain inside of him, brought to life with lyrics and melody.
Curious, AJ turned his head to look at his husband. “You’ve got a song, hon?” He squeezed Brian’s hand, a sign of support and love. “Do you not want us to hear it or something? Or is it not ready yet?”
“It’s beautiful.” Mikayla interrupted. Slowly she was swaying in Nick’s arms, the rocking soothing her and the baby. The look in her eyes told Brian that she knew how hard this was for him but that she felt she was right in doing it.
He glared at her for a moment before looking over to AJ. “I…it’s done, it’s just, well, it’s personal. I mean, I don’t know if I’m ready for people to hear it yet.” He explained softly.
Again Mikayla interrupted them. “AJ sang the song he wrote for you, Brian. Least you could do is at least sing this one for him. Let him hear it.”
There must have been pretty obvious distress in Brian’s face because AJ reacted to it. He shot a glare of his own at Mikayla. “Back off, Kay.” He growled at her. Though Brian’s words had had no effect on her, AJ’s did. She snapped her mouth shut and went back to rocking. AJ turned to look at Brian, love bright in his eyes. “Don’t let this twerp bother you, Bri. You don’t have to share anything.”
For just a single moment Brian looked at his husband’s face. Sometimes he found himself amazed at the changes that he saw there. Not just physical, though those were becoming more prominent. A slight thinning to his features, small bags under his eyes from the insomnia. No, it was more a maturity. The look in AJ’s eyes still held all the love that Brian had always seen there and that warmed his heart. The smile was still that same special one that AJ gave only to him. But behind those, you could see how much the past few years had made him grow up. How much more mature he had become. Less reserved about his emotions as well.
Looking into those warm eyes, Brian couldn’t bring himself to say no. Mikayla was right on one thing. AJ had sung his song for them that day at the house. He’d bared his heart right there at the table for everyone to hear. How could Brian do any less now?
He sighed and rose from the couch, ignoring the techs that were coming back in. Without a word he moved over to where the instruments were at and picked up a guitar. Then he sat on one of the stools, fiddling with the strings for a while, making sure it was in tune.
The only way he was going to get through this was if he ignored everyone else in the room. Embarrassment had his cheeks going a little red. But he made himself lock eyes with AJ. “I wrote this recently when I was thinking about, well, about the future. About my life without you in it. I haven’t dealt with that possibility very well, as you know. I’m much better at pretending it’s not coming. But lately, after talking with you like we’ve been doing, I’ve been trying to come to terms with some things in my heart. This, well, this is what came from it.”
That said, he started to strum out the chords on the guitar. As always when he sang, he found his eyes sliding shut and he just lost himself in the music. All other emotions disappeared as the lyrics and the music flowed through him.
The things we did, the things we said
Keep coming back to me and make me smile again
You showed me how to face the truth
Everything that's good in me I owe to you
Though the distance that's between us
Now may seem to be too far
It will never separate us
Deep inside I know you are
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (yeah)
Never gone
No no no
I walk alone these empty streets
There is not a second you're not here with me
The love you gave, the grace you've shown
Will always give me strength and be my cornerstone
(Somehow)
Somehow you found a way
To see the best I have in me
As long as time goes on
I swear to you that you will be
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Every day (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've gotta say goodbye
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life yeah)
Never gone from me
If there's one thing I believe (I believe)
I will see you somewhere down the road again
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Always close (always close)
Every day (everyday)
Every step along the way
Even though for now we've got to say goodbye (yeah yeah)
I know you will be forever in my life (in my life)
Never gone, never far
In my heart (in my heart is where) is where you are (you are)
Always close, everyday
Every step along the way
Never gone, never far
In my heart is where you are
Silence filled the room when Brian finished singing. It took him a moment to open his eyes and force himself to look at everyone. He was amazed to see that there wasn’t a dry eye in sight. Even the technicians had tears in their eyes. Everyone stood, staring at him. His eyes latched on to the one person who mattered the most.
AJ was staring back at him, tears pouring down his cheeks. His shoulders shook with his silent cries. Wobbling slightly, AJ rose to his feet. After a few shaky steps, his legs firmed enough to carry him straight to Brian. Never breaking eye contact, Brian lifted the guitar over his head and set it down beside him right before AJ reached him.
Trembling hands came up, cupping Brian’s face. “Your love humbles me.” AJ whispered brokenly. “That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.”
“I realized that even though I’m living with you, married to you, and the biggest advocate for you, I’d never really let myself deal with what was coming.” Brian admitted softly. “I’ve broke under it a few times, and started down the road to healing. But I always seem to shove it back and just deal with the now. Lately, I realized I can’t do that. By doing that, I’m lying to myself, and essentially lying to you. I’m not saying it’ll hurt me less now, but I think when it comes down to it I’ll have more understanding.”
Leaning in, AJ pressed a soft kiss to Brian’s lips. The two of them totally forgot everyone else in the room. “Those words are true, Bri. Just because I’m going to die doesn’t mean I’m leaving you. I will always be in your heart. A part of me is going to stay here with you. Will always be with you. An you will see me again one day. I’ll be waiting for you. Hopefully for a very, very long time.”
They shared another kiss, this one full of the love they felt and the simple joy of being with one another. AJ stroked Brian’s cheek as he pulled back, a small smile curving his lips. Brian knew he would remember this moment for the rest of his life. The tears still standing in AJ’s eyes, love shining brightly from them. That little smile, that special smile that AJ only ever gave him. This memory would forever be fixed in his mind. “I love you, Alex.”
“Love you too, Bri.”
Rising, Brian wrapped his arm around AJ’s waist, tucking him against his side. Only then did they look back at the others. Everyone was smiling at them through their tears. “I think we’ve found the album title.” Kevin said in a rough voice.