Howie and Nick sat in the waiting room anxiously, waiting for their friends to come back. The both of them were still in shock over everything. Neither could believe what they had heard. HIV? It seemed such an insane possibility. Staring out the window, Nick wrapped his arms around himself, trying to grasp it all. Everyone knew that HIV progressed to AIDS, and AIDS killed you. It was only a matter of when. Sure, there was more and more things they could do anymore. He could have ten years, or maybe even another twenty or thirty, but eventually it would kill him. It could kill him faster than that! Howie’s thoughts were running along the same line.
The door to their private waiting room opened and Kevin came rushing inside, looking horrible. Before he could think about it, Nick found himself saying “Jesus, Kev, you look like shit warmed over.”
“What the hell is going on?” Kevin scratched out. His voice sounded as horrible as he looked. It was obvious that his sore throat was still evident. “Where’s AJ? Where’s Brian?”
“They’re still back with the doctor.” It was Howie who answered his questions. Pain and worry were evident in Howie’s voice. That was his best friend back there being given medication for something that could only be contained and never cured. “They’ve been back there for a little while now. We don’t know anything yet.”
“How the hell did he get HIV? Are you sure that’s what he said, D?”
It had been Howie who had called Kevin and told him what they had found, how AJ had been freaking out, and what he’d told them. They could understand Kevin’s disbelief. It was so hard to grasp the idea. To think in terms of the disease being applied to their friend. Their brother.
“I’m sure. Apparently he got it from the transfusion he got last year. Remember when he sliced his leg open? That’s where they say he got this.”
“I thought they screened that shit! How the hell could it have been given to him that way? The hospitals are always so careful with that shit!”
Another voice startled them all. Three faces turned toward the door where AJ and Brian stood, arms around one another for support. It was AJ who spoke, his voice almost as hoarse as Kevin’s. “They only know that I got it from there because apparently there was a lawsuit against the hospital. One other person got the same blood batch that I did. I got the call yesterday and was told I needed to be checked, but I was already here at the time because of how I’ve been feeling. Somehow, somewhere, someone slipped. So I get to pay for it.”
Brian turned his head to lightly kiss AJ’s cheek. The room they were in was private, so he felt no qualms about showing affection to his partner. Seeing that kiss caused three different reactions in their friends. Kevin flinched. Not because of their relationship; he had heartily approved of their courtship finally happening. The two were perfect for one another. He flinched at the thought that the two could no longer be together for fear Brian would get infected. At least, that was what he assumed.
Nick’s heart broke for what AJ was going to have to live through and for Brian, who was totally in love with him. There was no doubting that. Nick had been waiting for them to finally admit that they loved one another. He knew his best friend well, and knew where Brian’s heart lay. He wanted to cry, thinking that they had finally admitted to one another how they felt and now this was thrown at them.
Howie wanted to cry when he saw that gentle kiss. For years he had watched his best friend search to find someone to care about him, even if he didn’t admit it to anyone out loud. Now he had opened up and admitted that he cared for Brian, and had found that Brian cared for him too. Finally, AJ had someone who cared about him and understood him. Now this. Life wasn’t fair.
“AJ, I…” Kevin floundered in his effort to find words.
Taking pity on him, AJ gave him a soft smile. “I know, Kev. It’s ok. They’re starting me on treatment right away. My meds are waiting downstairs at the pharmacy. We’re going to keep an eye on my levels and all that and wait to see if this works. If it does, Dr. Shannon says I could live for quite a while longer. I can have an almost normal life.”
All of them there assumed that the ‘almost’ part was concerning Brian. But they noticed the way that Brian squeezed AJ closer to him and rested their heads against one another.
“Why don’t we take this conversation back to my house?” AJ suggested. The others quickly agreed. This was not a discussion they wanted to be having here, where anyone could hear them. Quietly everyone left the hospital, all of them thinking long thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nick and Howie rode in Kevin’s car, which gave AJ and Brian time to talk in Brian’s car as they drove to AJ’s house. They stopped off on their way out to grab AJ’s medication and his schedule. While he sat in the passenger seat AJ read over the schedule. “It’s not too bad. Says I take zidovudine, lamivudine, and nevirapine. It says that I have to take it on time, same time, every day. I can’t miss it or even be late, or my body could become resistant to the meds and they won’t work.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. All of this was starting to sink in a little. To become real for him. The calmness he felt was a thin exterior. Underneath it was an extreme amount of panic that he was barely holding inside. Denial wanted to settle in, but he was pushing it back. There was no denying what had happened. He had no time for denial.
Panic was not a sensation that he was familiar with. AJ was used to facing things head on and just trudging on through it. No matter what life had thrown at him he’d always managed to keep himself going. Yeah, he got angry. Yeah, he could hide out for a while and stew in his house or his hotel room, wherever they were at the time. But he never let it fully knock him down. What was the point? That wouldn’t make the problem go away. But this…this was different.
“Tell me what you’re thinking so hard about.” Brian said softly. His eyes never left the road, but one hand came over to rest on AJ’s curled up leg. He smiled at the touch. It still amazed him that Brian was here, by his side, loving him, despite what they had just learned.
“I was thinking about how I usually deal with problems. I get mad, I get a little tougher. I hide sometimes and stew. I’m good at stewing and sulking. But I never really let anything get me down, you know? I never saw the point of it. If something bad happens it sucks, yeah, but whining and moping and crying aren’t going to fix it. I’ve always lived by that. But, with this, I don’t know. I can’t seem to pull myself back up, Bri. I’m scared, and my brain wants to panic, and I want to scream and cry and rant and rail against it all. I don’t know how to deal with feeling like this.” It was the most honest he’d ever been with another person. But it felt right with Brian.
Brian didn’t just reassure him as other people might have. He didn’t tell AJ how strong he was, or how he could be just fine. He drove quietly for a moment before he spoke.
“Maybe that’s what you need to do, Age.”
“Huh?” AJ asked. He looked up from the sheet to watch Brian’s face.
“Maybe you need to scream and cry and yell. Let it all out of your system. This isn’t fair to you. It isn’t right. Maybe, before you can pull up like you usually do, you need to let yourself break down for a little while.”
“I’m not good at that, Bri.” He admitted. “I have a hard time just…letting go.”
The hand on his leg squeezed lightly. “You won’t be alone to do it. I don’t plan on going anywhere, baby. I’ll stay right by your side. If you want to scream, I won’t stop you. If you need to cry, I’ll hold you. No matter what you need I’ll be there.”
A lump built in AJ’s throat. No one had ever been there for him quite like Brian. Others tried, he had to give them that. His brothers, the guys, they tried. But none of them had said it quite the way that Brian just had. In his heart AJ knew that Brian meant every word. “You don’t have to stay right by me, hon. You’ve got your own home and family, I know that.”
Pulling into AJ’s driveway, Brian put the car in park and turned it of before he turned to face AJ. There was a smile on his lips, and that look in his eyes that always made AJ’s heart flutter. “Alexander James Mclean, do you really think I’m going anywhere? I’ll sleep in a guestroom if it makes you more comfortable, but I’m not leaving you. We were going toward this stage anyways. Hell, with tours, we practically live together as it is. So you better get used to the idea that you’re getting a new roommate.”
For a moment AJ debated arguing with Brian. Just out of principal, that is. But he knew Brian was right. Before this had hit him they had been heading toward the ‘moving in’ stage. Still, it was rather cute to watch Brian be bossy with him. Not typical, but cute. “I think I could adjust to that.” He teased him lightly.
Brian’s grin grew bigger. “Good. Cause if you gotta take your meds on a specific schedule, at the exact time every day, well, someone’s got to be here to make you do it. You’d forget the very first day.”
“Fuck you, Littrell!” AJ couldn’t resist laughing even as he swore at him.
“Nuh uh.” He shook his head and grinned at AJ. “We don’t have any condoms. Patience, baby. We’ll buy some soon.”
Even with the seriousness of the whole thing, AJ found himself giggling. Leave it to Brian to make him giggle at a time like this. Or to take everything in stride. “Horny little bastard, are we?”
“For you? Always.”
AJ shook his head as he chuckled and unhooked his seatbelt. Before he got out of the car he stopped, his hand on the handle. “Bri?” The sudden seriousness of his tone caught Brian’s attention. He stopped with his door open and turned back to look at AJ. Behind them Kevin’s car was pulling in and parking, but neither paid any attention to it. This was important. AJ had to ask. Had to know. “Did you really mean what you said back there? About us, and, and all that other stuff.” He couldn’t seem to force himself to say what he meant. But the look in Brian’s eyes said he understood what AJ was asking.
One of Brian’s hands came up to brush against AJ’s cheek. “I meant every word. I love you, AJ. This doesn’t change that. I want to be with you in every way possible. We’ll do what the doctor said an we’ll be safe. That’s not a hardship to me. If all it takes for me to be with you in the way that I want is to wear a condom then I count myself lucky.”
The sincerity in his words was undeniable. AJ felt his eyes fill with tears and had to blink them back. “I love you too.” He whispered it. Saying those words to Brian filled his heart with joy. For so long he had felt them but hadn’t said them for fear of going too fast with the one person who was more important than anyone ever had been. “But it really doesn’t scare you? What if a condom breaks?”
They could hear the others getting out of Kevin’s car but still they didn’t move. Brian understood the importance of this conversation and was going to stay until it was done. The others could just wait. “If we’re careful that won’t happen. She told us how to make sure that it doesn’t. If it breaks in the middle of things we’ll just take it off and put a new one on. I understand the risks, AJ. But plenty of people who are HIV positive manage to have relationships with people who aren’t positive. We’ll make it work. Now that I have you, I’m not letting anything run me off.”
AJ leaned in, unable to resist kissing him. When they broke apart he looked into Brian’s eyes and smiled. “Move in with me. But I don’t want you in the guestroom. Even if we can’t do that yet, I still want you by my side. I’ve been waiting forever to be able to go to sleep beside you and wake up with you.”
“Good, cause I have too. You’re stuck with me now, Age. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Hm. Sounds good to me.” He smiled at him. The two kissed again right as the others reached the car. It was Howie who broke the moment by clearing his throat. “You guys planning on staying in the car all evening long or are we going inside? It’s cold out here.”
“Way to ruin a moment, Howard.” AJ grumbled. He was smiling, though, as he stepped out of the car. Everyone followed him up to the front door.
“A moment? Can’t you be like normal people and have your moments somewhere that’s warm?” Howie shot back at him.
“Since when is their relationship normal?” Nick piped up. He still sounded a little shaken up, but it was easy to see he was trying to bring himself back to some semblance of normalcy. That was what Howie was doing as well. Grasping at the teasing as something normal in all of this chaos. Kevin just followed quietly behind them as they went inside.
AJ snorted and tossed his house keys on the counter as he came in. “We’re perfectly normal for us!” he called out. The first place he went was the living room, plopping down on the couch and laying his bag of meds and papers on the coffee table. He didn’t even think about it, or notice the way that his friends’ eyes traveled to that bag of medicine and how nervous it seemed to make them.
No one seemed sure what to say or do at first. Brian was the only other one who showed any signs of being calm. He sat down by AJ’s side and took hold of his hand before giving him a quick kiss.
Once everyone had sat down, AJ looked at them all. His friends. His brothers. They all looked so sad and worried. It made his heart ache for them, but at the same time he found himself just a little irritated. This was happening to him, not them. Why did they all have to look at him as if for reassurance? Shouldn’t they have been the ones trying to soothe him?
Brian must have been feeling the same way because when he spoke, his voice was slightly more clipped than normal. “Relax, guys. He’s not dead yet.”
The bluntness of what he said had three sets of mouths dropping open. “Brian!” Kevin exclaimed in shock. Nick brought a hand up to his mouth and Howie quickly looked down at the ground.
A smile curved AJ’s lips. Leave it to Brian to go for the shock factor. He bumped his shoulder against his boyfriends. “Tactful, hon.”
“Well, everyone’s looking like you’re going to fall over and die before tomorrow. Dr. Shannon said that this medication can help you live for a long time or it might not work at all. We don’t know. But we can’t treat you like you’re dying. If we do we’re going to miss out on all the good stuff because we’re worrying so much about the bad.” He insisted.
“Can it really do that much for you?” Howie asked AJ in a gentle voice. “Give you a life span of a person who isn’t…who doesn’t…”
“Someone who’s not HIV positive, D? You can say it. It’s ok.” AJ told him wryly. He looked at his friends faces and tried to relax. “I have HIV. If I can say the words, you sure can.”
“I think we’re all tired.” Kevin interjected. Even with his raspy voice he still managed to sound like the father figure he tried to be. “Why don’t we all get a good night’s sleep and discuss this in the morning?” He looked back over at AJ. “Would you mind if we crashed here tonight? We’ll all sleep, and I’ll call in the morning and cancel our day at the studio. It’ll give us all time to talk and feel a little better.”
For some reason that just made AJ more irritated. He knew that Kevin was right, though. There was a lot that the band had to figure out. They needed to understand things before going on tour. It was only fair to them all. “Yeah, it’s cool. You guys know where the guestrooms are.” It wasn’t the first time everyone had slept over.
“Didn’t you change one to a workout room, Age?” Howie asked him as he stood up.
Yawning, AJ nodded. “Yep. Last one on the left.”
“So there are only three rooms then. I call single.”
“Single!” Nick echoed quickly.
With a roll of his eyes Kevin climbed to his feet. “I don’t mind doubling with Brian. But you get the floor cos.”
Brian grinned at them all and shook his head. “I don’t think so, Kev. I’ll be in with AJ.” He said it casually, barely paying any attention to them. His eyes were on AJ, who was looking a little worse for wear. It was then that Brian remembered the whole reason AJ had gone to the hospital to begin with was because he hadn’t been feeling well for a while. Despite that, AJ sat there, not reminding anyone that he felt sick, just waiting for everyone to get done talking. “An I think I need to get him up to bed. I forgot you weren’t feeling good in the mix of all this news, baby.”
“Yeah, just let me get some extra pillows for them.” AJ yawned again and rose from the couch. “Come give me a hand, D. You can carry some.”
The minute the two were out of sight, Kevin turned to look at Brian. He caught his arm as his cousin stood up. “You’re sharing a bed with him, Bri? Are you sure that’s safe?”
Irritation snapped into Brian’s eyes. He tried to control it. Kevin was only being a concerned friend and family member. But Brian couldn’t keep all the bite out of his words. “It’s fine, Kev. I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? This is something you need to be positive about. Being in a relationship with someone who has a serious disease like this…I know you care about him, but this isn’t normal circumstances.”
Ok, forgetting keeping control. Brian pulled his arm from his cousin’s grip and glared at him. “Ok, first things first, I am totally positive about being with him. Second, I love him, Kevin. Nothing will change that. Third, and I don’t think this is any of your business, we spoke with the doctor on how to be safe. So long as he doesn’t bleed against any open wounds on my body, and we use condoms, I will be perfectly safe.” He gave Kevin another glare. “Now, if you don’t mind, my boyfriend feels like crap and just had the worst possible day ever. I’m going to go try and make him feel better.”
With that Brian stormed off, leaving a shell shocked Kevin behind.