It didn’t take much to gather everyone in the living room. AJ loved this part of Christmas. Hell, he loved every part of it, really. But he so enjoyed watching the faces of his friends as they opened their gifts. For years now they had all joined together either on Christmas, or near it. Some Christmases they had spent together on tour in one hotel room or another. Kevin had always made sure that there was some kind of tree, even if it had to be artificial. He had said once that he’d wanted to make things as easy as possible for the younger members, meaning AJ and Nick, since they couldn’t be with their families at those times.
AJ had appreciated it more than he had ever been able to say to the older man. It had helped him not feel so alone on the holiday. Now, years later, it gave him great joy to be able to provide those he loved, those that he considered his family, with a happy holiday.
Just like kids, Nick and AJ were both instantly on the floor near the tree, practically bouncing with their excitement. It made the others in the room laugh. Brian took a seat on the chair behind AJ. Looking up and over his shoulder, AJ grinned and leaned back to bump his shoulder against Brian’s knee.
As everyone filed in, Mikayla grinned and walked right up to the tree. “Well, since I’m the surprise guest I know I don’t have gifts, so I get to pass them out.” She announced gleefully. “That’s always my favorite part.”
Howie took a seat on the loveseat, curling his legs up beside him, still cradling his cup of coffee. Kevin and Kristen took the couch, snuggling in to one another. While they all got situated, Mikayla squatted down and dug under the branches for the first present. There were mounds of them there, more than most houses would have. But when you had so much money to shop with, it was easy to buy things for your friends. AJ was known for getting multitudes of gifts for his friends. Any excuse to shop, Brian liked to tease him.
“Ah! This one, I think. It’s shaped funny.” Mikayla pulled out an oddly shaped present and checked the tag. “It’s for…Nick.” She passed it over to Nick, who took it with a huge grin. While Mikayla started to organize the presents a little, the others watched Nick tear off the wrapping.
Kevin grinned as he watched his young friend. “Who was it from Nick?” he called out.
Pausing, Nick looked up at him and back down at the paper. “Oh yeah.” He sifted through the part he was tearing to find the tag amidst everyone’s laughter. “It’s from…uh, D.” Now that he’d answered the question, Nick went back to ripping it open. He gave a shout when he found what was inside. It was a Kodak EasyShare digital camera with a docking station. “Shit, D, thanks!” Nick exclaimed, already pulling it out to mess with buttons. Everyone knew that Nick loved to take photos and was always complaining about his crappy camera, even though he’d never gone out to buy a new one.
Gifts were quickly passed around the group of them, now that Mikayla had them organized. She set up piles by each person so that they could tear in at their leisure. AJ grinned as his pile grew. Soon the living room was full of the sounds of laughter, tearing paper, thanks and exclamations. AJ stopped paying attention to everyone else as he attacked his own pile.
God, his friends knew him so well! There were endless movies and music. A new leather jacket from Howie that had him scrambling over to his friend and almost tackling him with a hug. Howie just laughed at him. There was a healthy cookbook from Kristen, who’d heard about his new diet changes, full of recipes that looked delicious. Not many knew how much AJ loved to cook. He sat there for a moment, turning the pages and reading each new recipe with interest. There were so many things inside that he couldn’t wait to try out.
Brian bent down and kissed the top of his head, distracting him for a moment. When AJ turned he saw Brian holding the photo album that AJ had bought for him. Inside were pictures of them all, behind the scenes pictures, from start of their group to present. Nick had helped him with the pictures. It was the type of thing that he knew Brian would love; more so because of the thought and love put into it. “Thank you.” He whispered to him.
“You’re welcome.” AJ grinned up at him. Then he turned back to his own presents. After opening up a few more he finally got to the bottom of his pile where the he finally found his gift from Brian. Curious, he looked at it for a moment. It was almost the side of a book, but didn’t feel that heavy. He tore the paper and, once he caught sight of what it was, ripped it off the rest of the way with an elated cry. “Holy shit!” he yelled out.
Spinning, AJ rose to his knees and wrapped Brian in a tight hug. His lover laughed and hugged him back. AJ didn’t notice everyone watching them as he rained kisses all over Brian’s face. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I haven’t been able to find this anywhere! Where on earth did you get it?”
“I have my ways.” Brian said mysteriously. He winked at AJ.
Curious, Nick leaned over, trying to peek at what was in AJ’s hand. “What is it?” he asked them.
AJ turned and held out the gift in his hand. It was the complete set of Meat loaf’s music; every song he ever sang. They all knew that AJ was a huge fan of his music. Nick just rolled his eyes and went back to his gifts. AJ leapt up and raced over to the CD player. He didn’t care what anyone else wanted to listen to right then. He sifted through the CD’s and pulled out the one with his favorites on it.
As ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ started to play, AJ bent down over Nick’s shoulder and stole his camera from him. He grinned past his friend’s protest and turned the camera on, starting to snap pictures around the room. This was a day he never wanted to forget. He wanted to capture every moment, every smile, and save it all.
After taking a good dozen pictures he tossed Nick his camera back and just stood by the wall, watching as everyone talked and laughed. After a moment, Mikayla came over and joined him. She looped her arm through his. AJ looked down at the top of her head and found himself smiling. Despite how hard he had worked to keep everything from her, it felt good to have his best friend by his side.
He knew he shouldn’t have tried to hide things from her. It wasn’t honest, and it wasn’t respectful. He also knew her well enough to know that she’d be burning with questions. So he caught Brian’s eye before deliberately looking down at Mikayla and off toward the back of the house. Brian nodded in understanding and gave him a smile. God bless having a man who understood him so well.
“Come take a walk with me.” AJ murmured softly to his friend. She didn’t say anything, just let him lead her to the back of the house and out the back door. It wasn’t raining any longer, but the ground was wet. AJ paused by the back door to slide on a pair of shoes and to nab the coat that hung there. Only once he had it on did he realize it was Brian’s. Oh well. They set off down the large backyard, still arm in arm.
“I imagine you’re still pretty pissed with me.” AJ said softly.
Mikayla gave him an ironic glance. “Why would you say that? Just because my best friend, a man who I call brother, lied to me for a year now? Just because that brother tried to cut me out of his life all because of him being sick? Oh, no, AJ. Why would you think I’m pissed?” she snapped.
He didn’t flinch from her temper the way that others might have. Instead, he grinned down at her. “Just a lucky guess.”
“Fuck off.” She replied pertly. There was small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, though.
Eyes ahead, AJ took a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have lied to you, and I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I’ll admit that, Kay. I’m sorry for it. But you have to understand that I was terrified. Can you even understand what it’s like to get that phone call that changes your whole life? To have someone tell you that you’re infected with something there is no cure for, and that will eventually kill you?”
“I work at a hospital, AJ. I may not have had that sentence delivered to me, but I’ve had to be there to tell plenty of people horrible news. I understand how badly it must have scared you. But of all people, didn’t you stop to think I’d be the most prepared to help you?”
How to explain this to her? AJ sighed and looked up at the rainclouds that were overhead. Oh, how he wanted to have one white Christmas. In the back of his mind he thought to himself that he wanted to see one before…before he was gone.
Looking back down at the woman who had been a best friend, a sister, for as long as he could remember, he tried to find the words to tell her what he wanted to say. “I don’t know how much Ma told you about what’s going on…”
“I’d asked her how you were doing yesterday when I saw her. All she said was that you’d become infected with HIV. Beyond that, she couldn’t seem to force herself to say more and she quickly changed the topic, no matter what I had to say. But she said nothing else about it.”
There was that slice of pain that was becoming familiar now when he thought of his mother. He shoved it down as best he could. “I started feeling really sick for a while and I couldn’t kick it so I went to the hospital, got some tests done. When I was there, I got a call from a hospital I’d been to before when I’d sliced my leg open. Remember that? Well, the transfusion they’d given me was tainted, apparently. Another person got sick, too.”
Mikayla stopped to turn and gape at him. “I hope you’re suing the shit out of them!” she declared, putting a hand on her hip. That was one of the things he loved about her. She was such a little spitfire.
Smiling, he pulled her back into their walk. “I don’t feel there’s a point, and I’m not going to argue that with you. Brian and I have had some go rounds about that. Now, can I finish my story?”
“Fine. I’ll nag you later.”
“Witch. Anyways, as I was saying. They tested me and told me I was HIV positive. I got back in as quickly as I could and got started on medication. We started out with HAART, and the side effects were killer. But I made it through the tour somehow. I was sick almost constantly but I managed to do what I needed to and make all my appointments. But at the end of tour I caught Nick’s cold and it ended up as pneumonia. While I was there my doctor, Dr. Shannon, said that my viral load had gone up and my CD4 level had gone down to 275.”
“Jesus.” She whispered. Suddenly she was snuggled closer to his side. It was wonderful to say these kinds of things to someone who understood; someone that he didn’t have to explain everything to. It made it easier to tell his story.
“So I’m on new meds. Three times a day instead of two, now. Still got some side effects, but they’re not as bad as the last batch. The doc will keep an eye on my levels and such for a while to see if this is working. Physically, I feel better.” Well, almost better. He stopped by the tree in his yard, realizing that he was almost out of breath. He tried to cover it up as Mikayla started to talk. God, he felt so winded!
“I’ve heard of your doctor. Dr. Shannon is a good person, and a smart doctor. If there’s anyone who can help you out and help find what works for you, I’d trust it to be her. She’s considered one of the best in her field.” Sharp eyes suddenly locked on to him. “You shouldn’t have walked this far. If I’d remembered that you were recovering from pneumonia than I wouldn’t have let you come out this far.”
“I’m fine.” AJ managed to say to her. Honestly, now that he’d stopped, his head was spinning a little. Looking at how far down the lawn he’d walked, it surprised him that he’d made it this far. He forced his mind on to other things, hoping that his breath would come back to him with a little rest. “But, anyways, there, I caught you up on where I’m at, physically, and the numbers and such like that. I am sorry I hid it, Kay. Really I am.”
She moved in next to him, fitting easily under his arm as she had many times before. “I forgive you. But how are you doing emotionally? You’ve told me all the practical and the medical stuff. But how is AJ doing?”
Leave it to her to ask that kind of question. He sighed and closed his eyes. It made it easier to fight of the dizziness if he wasn’t looking at the world that kept trying to spin on him. “I’m terrified, Kay. It’s gotten easier, but I’m still scared. I’m scared of dying. I don’t want to die young. Logically, I know that there’s so much more change to live a long life now than there used to be. But I’m still scared. I’m so angry that this had to happen. I didn’t use, didn’t sleep around, didn’t do anything. I got this by some freak accident, and it makes me so mad.”
He tried to take a deep breath to help calm himself, but now that the dam had been opened he found that it didn’t want to shut so easy. Everything came pouring out of him.
“I’m so scared that I’m going to get Brian sick. We take all the necessary precautions, but what if something happens? He says he understands the risk and considers it worth it, and I can respect that he’s an adult who can make his own choices. But if he got sick because of me it would break me inside. Not only that, but how selfish does it make me to be with him, to let us build a relationship, when no one knows how long I have left? If…when I die, it’s going to destroy him. That hurts me so much. But I can’t make myself let him go. Then, all that shit with Ma.”
“What shit?”
Briefly he caught her up on what had happened. Predictably she was furious about it. For five minutes straight she ranted and raved. Finally, when she was calm again, she came over and hugged him tightly. “Oh, AJ. I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better. I wish there was. But I’m here for you, and I will be no matter what. You’re not chasing me away again.”
“Thank you.” He whispered back to her. It felt good to be able to tell her everything. But now he felt drained; physically and emotionally.
Sensing that, she adjusted so that his arm was over her shoulder and her arm was around his waist. “Let’s get you back up to the house. You shouldn’t be out in this cold, walking around. Not after being fresh from the hospital.” She said. The tone of command to her voice had him grinning. “Yes, ma’am.” He quipped back.
Together they started back up the lawn. But AJ could feel himself growing more out of breath with each step. The ground seemed to tilt a little from the spinning in his head. They’d only gone maybe ten steps when he had to admit to himself that he wasn’t going to make it and there was no way that Mikayla could half carry him up there. She was strong, but she wasn’t that strong.
Ever so carefully AJ lowered himself down to the wet grass. He ignored it as his jeans quickly became soaked. Bringing his knees up, he dropped his head between them. Beside him Mikayla had squatted down. “I’ll go and get some help, AJ.” She told him softly.
Quickly he grabbed her hand, forcing her to stay by him. Without bothering to look up he told her “Would you do me a favor and try not to let the others know? Just go get Bri for me without alerting everyone about what’s going on. I don’t mind his help, but I can’t stand it when the others start to flip and worry.”
“No problem, honey.” She said. Softly she kissed the top of his head before she rose and was gone.
While he waited, AJ simply concentrated on pulling in one breath after another. It was so frustrating to get this tired simply from walking down his yard. Embarrassing as well. He never should have walked so far. Man, Brian was going to be annoyed with him. He had a right to be, that was the bitch of it all. It had been stupid.
Footsteps sounded behind him. Not running, thank God. Just a calm, steady pace. AJ easily recognized it as Brian’s comfortable stride. There were no other sounds which meant that Mikayla had been as good as her word and hadn’t told anyone else what was going on.
The footsteps reached him and suddenly AJ could feel Brian’s warmth against his side as his lover squatted down. Before Brian could say anything, AJ spoke from between his knees. “I know, I know. I’m an idiot for walking so far outside. It was stupid to do it, but I wasn’t thinking, which is even stupider. I’m a dork, you can say it.”
“Why would I? You’re doing such a good job yourself right now.” Brian teased him.
Warm arms came around him, behind his back and under his legs. In a move that had become familiar, Brian easily lifted AJ off the ground and into his arms. For someone who had always prided himself on being strong and independent, he sure found himself being carried often enough by this man. But, it wasn’t so bad. Brian never made him feel guilty about it. He never made it a big deal.
Sighing, AJ closed his eyes and rested his head on Brian’s shoulder. “I hate that you have to do this for me. Take care of me like I’m a kid.”
“I love that I can do this for you.” Brian replied. He started to head up the yard, walking carefully to keep from jostling AJ too much. “I don’t think of you like a kid. It makes me happy to know that I can help you when you need it and that you trust me to do so.”
Being in Brian’s arms was making him sleepy. He fought it off, not wanting to waste any moment of the day. “Of course I trust you.” He mumbled.
Things suddenly got warmer and AJ realized that they’d stepped inside. He kept his eyes closed and just left himself in Brian’s care. A soft voice came from beside them. “Once he gets dry he should rest a little. Maybe like an hour nap, I’d say. Pneumonia is a tricky thing to recover from.” Mikayla said softly to Brian.
Another voice joined the group as Brian continued to walk. It took AJ a second to recognize it as Kevin. “Oh God, is everything ok? What’s going on?”
“Shh.” Brian whispered. He cradled AJ closer to his body and AJ sighed into the warmth. He barely heard Brian talking. “He just got out of breath and he’s tired. I’m going to get him changed and let him rest for a while. He’s fine, Kev.”
Mikayla spoke up, but her voice trailed behind them. Most likely talking to Kevin, then. Brian just continued walking, moving upstairs now. AJ smiled, completely at ease. The breathiness was gone, and the dizziness was fading. All that was left was a comfortable feeling. But he allowed Brian to get him in the bedroom, and to strip him out of his wet clothes. Instead of letting Brian dress him, though, when he was set on the edge of the bed, AJ wrapped himself around Brian and pulled back.
There was no mistaking what it was that he wanted. Brian propped himself up on his arms, staring in surprise down at AJ. Not wanting words, AJ held him closer and kissed him. Soon, there was no need for words. Their bodies did the talking.