For the next few nights, AJ had company each and every night. Brian came to see him for four nights straight. That part of AJ that loved this man was thrilled with this. The other part of him, the more practical side, knew that this was going to make things hurt in the long run. That practical part also knew that the only reason Brian was doing this was to try to make up for what had happened. That, when Brian left him again, it was going to hurt worse than ever. But still, each and every night when that knock came, AJ opened his door and let him in.
Each time he was there, Brian paid special attention to the sore spots on AJ. Kissing and touching and soothing until the pain was just a memory. They never spoke of it again, nor of the three words that AJ had dared to utter to him, but it sat between them for a while.
On the fifth night, AJ sat by the window in his room at this new hotel and knew in his heart that Brian wouldn’t come this night. When he’d walked past Brian’s room earlier to get himself some ice he had heard Brian talking on the phone, his voice a low, loving murmur. It had been like a fist in the gut. Blindly he’d shoveled ice in his bucket and rushed back to his room.
The bucket still sat on the table, the ice now melted. He didn’t care. He smoked cigarette after cigarette, watching the lights of the city below, letting the cold night air splash across his face. Why did he keep doing this to himself? Why did he let himself be hurt over and over again? Knowingly hurt! No one could say he was blind in this. He knew the risks and knew the dangers, but still he let it happen. Still he let himself be used.
But he had never loved anyone with the strength that he loved Brian. It was as much a part of him as breathing. Because of that, because where he loved he was more tolerant and easily forgiving, AJ would do anything for him. Even if it meant being used. Even if it reduced him to a simple fuck here and there to relieve tension while on tour. Even if it left him bleeding from a million wounds inside each time they went home for break and he was without him.
Though he didn’t realize it, tears slid down AJ’s cheeks, the moonlight glinting off them. He continued to sit and smoke and wish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Down in his room, Brian was resting his head against the glass of his own window. He held a cell phone against his ear, listening to his wife ramble away. What it was she was talking about he had no idea. He’d lost track of that twenty minutes ago.
At one point in time, Brian had loved his wife. Loved her sweetly and innocently. He had looked forward to talking to her, to being with her. When they were apart, all he could think about was the sweet smile she had, or the way her bright blue eyes would light up when she saw him or when she laughed. When they were together, there was nothing he loved more than to run his fingers through her beautiful white blond curls. Those were the things he saw when he closed his eyes at night, alone in his room.
But somewhere along the way, that had changed. One drunken kiss had started him down this road. Now, as he stared at the window, all he could see in his mind’s eye was a pair of warm chocolate eyes, looking at him with all the love in the world inside of them. Instead of white blond curls he saw brown locks, currently tinted with red at the tips. When he tried to picture her sweet, cupids bow mouth that he had once loved to kiss, now all he could recall was a warm pair of lips with just that hint of whisker to them.
What was wrong with him? Why the hell was he sitting here, picturing AJ’s face in his mind even as his wife spoke in his ear? That was just wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. He had married Ashley. Loved her. Still did love her. They had made a commitment in church, before God! To be thinking of AJ like this was just, sinful. To do the things they did together was even worse.
Time and time again Brian told himself that he wouldn’t go down there. That he’d stay in his room and keep to himself. He wouldn’t go knock on AJ’s door. Yet, somehow, he would find himself doing just that. Oh, he could force himself to stay away for days at a time. Rarely did he go down for more than one night in a row. Even if it was just to prove to himself that he could, he would stay away for days on end.
But then something would happen, something would trigger that part of him, and he wouldn’t be able to stay away any more. He’d find himself heading down there when everyone was asleep. Knocking on the door, praying the whole time that AJ wouldn’t answer it. That he would be asleep and not hear him. Something. Anything. But, of course, AJ always answered. In his heart Brian knew that AJ would always answer.
He hated himself sometimes for what he did. For cheating on his wife. For hurting AJ. Every time they were together Brian knew that he was hurting AJ. It was there in his oh-so-expressive eyes. In the way he would look at Brian with such longing when he didn’t think he could be seen. Or in the quick flash of pain when Brian would leave. God, he hated hurting him. At the same time, he didn’t know if he could live without him. AJ had become such an important part of his life.
No matter what his mood was, Brian always knew he could go to AJ. If he was hurting on the inside, feeling like he would shatter with a breath, he could go to AJ and find the love and comfort that he needed. When he was angry with the world and raging, he knew he go to AJ’s room and find a someone who would not only listen to him yell but would soothe him back down afterwards. Sometimes Brian thought that AJ knew him better than Ashley did. That thought always left him with the sick feeling of shame in his gut.
“Bri? Brian? Are you listening to me?”
Ashley’s irritated voice cut through Brian’s thoughts like a knife, reminding him that she was still on the phone. “Sorry, honey. I’m tired tonight I guess and my mind was drifting.”
“It’s ok, sweetie. Why don’t you go get some rest? I can call you tomorrow.” Ashley offered sweetly. It just made Brian feel even worse. Here he was, thinking about another man in a sexual way while his wife was talking, and when he got caught drifting, she didn’t yell at him or anything. All she did was offer to let him go to bed.
What was even worse, he took her up on it. “Thanks, Ash. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”
“Love you too, Bri!”
Once he’d hung up the phone, Brian stayed sitting where he was, staring out the window. Things were so messed up. He didn’t know what to do anymore. On one hand, he loved his wife. He did! He was married and that was a major commitment. But on the other, no one had ever made him feel the way that AJ did. No one else had ever made his heart beat that fast by just a look, or a touch. No one had ever loved him so deeply, so unconditionally, that they would allow themselves to be used the way that he used AJ.
That just brought to mind images that Brian didn’t want to think about. Still, they came with sharp clarity, forever burned into his mind. AJ’s face, his expression both hurt and scared, that rug burn on his cheek. The bruise that was finally fading from his backside. The little flinch that AJ had given for the first two days anytime someone came near him and tried to touch him. God, to know that he was the cause of that hurt Brian more than anything ever had in his life. Every time he’d seen those marks, those flinches, he had hate himself more and more. When he’d listened to AJ lie about how he got the mark on his face, the only one he couldn’t hide, Brian had thought he’d throw up with the shame of it all. He’d spent days trying to make it up to AJ.
In his heart, Brian knew that he shouldn’t do this to any of them. Not to AJ, not to Ashley, and not to himself. But he couldn’t seem to stop it from happening. He was here in his room tonight to prove to himself yet again that he could step away from AJ. That he could let go if he had to. In his heart, though, he knew that it wouldn’t last long. The ache was already there; that physical need to be in AJ’s presence. Maybe he could hold it off for a day or two but eventually it would become so strong that he’d end up going down there again. Knocking again.
Resting his forehead against the cool glass, Brian stared out at the night, not seeing anything, and felt his heart break a little more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Something has got to change, Kev.” Howie said firmly as he sat back in his chair. He, Kevin and Nick had decided to meet in Howie’s room to have a private discussion. The three of them had been watching events unfold in front of them for months now and they were tired of sitting back and watching two people they cared about be miserable.
Sighing, Kevin flopped down on the couch. “I know, D. But what the hell can we do? It’s not like we can sit them down and tell them to shape up and fix this shit. They’d just balk and run the other way.” He pointed out.
Nick sprawled out on the floor, folding his hands behind his head. “Hell, they don’t even know we know. Idiots. Like we’d never notice Brian going down to J’s room. Or the looks they give one another.” He said with a roll of his eyes.
“Hell, kid. Anyone who rooms next to AJ knows what’s going on. It’s hard not to when you have to hear it.” Howie pointed out wryly. He ran a hand through his hair, looking from one friend to the other. “How on earth are we going to get Bri to see that Ashley isn’t for him? I mean, aside from these little nighttime visits, him and Age avoid one another like crazy. We can’t exactly force them to be together.”
For a few moments the three of them were quiet. Suddenly, Nick sat up like a shot. “Sure we can.” He said. His lips curved in an evil smile. “We can do exactly that.”
“What’re you talking about?” Kevin asked him.
That evil smile growing, Nick crossed his legs and leaned forward a little. “Well, the next few stops we’re heading to we’re going on the bus instead of flying. So, we just make sure the bus arrangements are what we want them to be. A few hours together on the bus and something is bound to happen then! They can’t avoid one another the entire time they’re on there. The bus is way too small!”
The two older members of the group looked down at Nick with surprise for just a moment. It was Howie who finally broke the silence. “You know, I think you’re on to something there, kid. I mean, the two light up like the fourth of July when they’re together…”
“If they’re alone on there, with only a driver to worry about hearing them…” Kevin added in.
Nick finished off all their thoughts. “They won’t be able to hide at all. Something will happen. Whatever it is will be better than this tiptoeing around that’s making the both of them miserable!”
Satisfied, the three men grinned at one another. It was a solid plan that they were convinced would work. For a while now they’d been watching the interaction between AJ and Brian and waiting for the day the two would wake up and realize that they were meant for one another. But all that seemed to be happening was the two were growing more and more miserable as time went on.
Well, they’d just see about that. If they had anything to say about it, then this bus trip would finally show the two that they were meant to be together.