It was the coughing that woke AJ in the morning time. A cough ripped its way from his lungs so forcefully that it had him curling his body, his mind instantly awake as he tried to breathe past it. Even as he sucked in air, another one pushed its way out, scratching up his throat like razors. He felt something pushed into his hands, something soft, and he gripped it against his chest, squeezing it as he tried to control himself. Hands were on his face, his forehead, smoothing back his hair. A soothing murmur could just barely be heard.<?xml:namespace prefix = o /> 

When the coughing fit finally passed, AJ sank limply into the bed. Jesus. Holy Jesus that had sucked. He took a gentle, testing breath, trying to avoid panting as his body was trying to do. 

“That’s it. Gentle and easy, sweetheart. Not too hard or another one will start up.” 

That was when AJ realized that it wasn’t Brian with him, but Brian’s mom, Jackie. About the same time he realized that he was lying under only a comforter and wearing just his boxers. When on earth had he been stripped down to his boxers? He didn’t remember getting up or taking his clothes off? The answer came quickly though. Brian would have thought to do that. 

Slightly self-conscious, AJ checked to make sure the blanket was covering what it needed to. He must not have been discreet about it because Jackie started chuckling. “You’re covered.” She teased him. “Don’t worry. Brian had to strip you out of your clothes last night. You sweat your way through them. I’ve got them in the wash.” 

Sweat his way through them? Now, if that wasn’t just disgusting. To make matters worse, Jackie was washing them? Really? “I’m sorry.” He found himself saying. What else did you say to the mother of the man you loved when you found out she was washing your sweaty clothes? He gently opened eyes that felt crusty when he heard her chuckle again. “Sorry about what? It’s just washing clothes, Alexander.” 

He had long since stopped cringing or sighing or anything like that when Jackie called him Alexander. No one else ever did. Not even his Ma called him that unless he was really in trouble. Brian’s dad called him AJ once in a while, but mostly he was Alex to him, same as he was to Brian. More often than not, AJ called Harold ‘Mr. L’, which made the older man laugh. He called Brian’s mom Jackie, per her request. Well, more her order. As the boys had grown closer she’d ordered them all to call her Jackie, not Mrs. Littrell. Though Nick called her Aunt Jackie. It was their joke that he was their honorary nephew. 

AJ shook his head a little when he realized that his thoughts were drifting. But the act of shaking his head brought on a wave of dizziness that had him letting go of the object at his chest, which he finally realized was a pillow, to reach up and cradle his head. 

Again came the soft soothing sounds from Jackie. She took a seat on the edge of the bed only seconds before something cool was pressed against AJ’s forehead and over his eyes. It helped to lessen the dizziness. “There, there, just hold still now.” She told him gently. “Your body has a lot it’s trying to do right now. You’ve got to be gentle with it.” 

“My body hates me right now.” AJ grumbled. The more awake he became, the more aware he was of the fact that he did not feel good. Not feel good? He thought to himself. Hell, I feel like shit. 

“Your body has every reason to be mad at you. You’ve abused it terribly.” 

The scold was delivered in that tone that only moms had. It was enough to make AJ hunch his shoulder slightly. Did any man ever grow out of that feeling? “It wasn’t intentional.” He defended himself hoarsely. “Sometimes when…when my heads messed up, other things kind of fall to the wayside.” That was the best explanation he could give her. Lord knew what Brian had told them about this all. AJ wasn’t about to go spilling secrets that he shouldn’t be. They would know what Brian told them and no more than that. He wouldn’t provide them with any information that Brian might not want them to know. 

As set as he was not to tell her anything without talking to Brian first, it jolted him when she said “Yes, Brian told us all about what happened.” She sighed softly. Amazed, AJ slid the cool cloth off his eyes enough that he could look at her face as she spoke. “My son has behaved like a fool, I have to say. A sweet fool, but still a fool.” One of her hands came up, stroking over AJ’s cheek. “He hurt you quite a bit, Alexander. I know he didn’t want to, but he did.” 

That automatic instinct to defend was triggered. “He was just confused and trying to do what he felt was right. It’s not his fault.” 

“Oh?” 

“I could have got up and walked away from him at any time. I could have said no. But I didn’t. I could have locked my door and not answered it, but I didn’t. I let him in. I opened myself up. I’m just as responsible as he is, if not more.” 

Jackie’s smile was bright and warm. “There’s no denying that you love him.” 

“I do.” 

“He loves you too.” She said it so simply that it was that much more powerful. “To us, that’s all that matters.” 

AJ would have said something then but he felt another cough building and automatically curled his body, burying his face against the pillow he clutched once again to his chest. It set every ache in his body screaming to life. When it was finally done, Jackie took the cool cloth away, wiping down his face with it. “Try resting some more, sweetheart. That’s what’s best for you.” 

Despite the fact that he felt like all he’d been doing lately was sleeping, AJ snuggled down in the bed and let her tuck him back in. Maybe a little nap wouldn’t be too bad. He was asleep before she’d even moved from the bed. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Brian walked back in the front door, smiling as his brother told him another joke. They’d been laughing the whole time they’d been together except for the stop they’d made. Even then, Harold had helped keep Brian’s spirits lifted. It had been a hard day, a hard trip, for him to make. But having made it, he felt better. It felt like he was taking control of his life in a positive way. 

Their Dad was sitting at the table, reading his paper and drinking his afternoon cup of coffee. It was such a familiar scene that Brian couldn’t stop himself from smiling. How many times had he come into the house to find his dad doing this in the afternoon? It was a ritual for him. The comfort of that ritual warmed Brian’s heart. He’d been right in coming home. This was where he needed to be right now. This place would always help him to heal. 

“Hey, Dad.” Brian said, strolling into the room. His brother had already set down the bag he’d been carrying on the counter. 

Moving over, Harold kissed his Dad’s cheek, saying “Ok, I’ve got to jet, Dad. I’ve got an appointment in about twenty minutes.” After giving Brian a brief hug, Harold Jr. was out the door. That left Brian to move over and start unloading the few things his mom had asked him to pick up at the store while he was out. “Where’s mom?” he asked, putting the milk in the fridge. 

“Trying to get your young man to eat a little bit.” Harold said. He glanced up from his paper and his eyes were twinkling. “Might want to take a peek. It’s kind of funny.” 

“Oh yeah?” Brian felt the corners of his mouth quirk. 

“Yep. He’s sick, so he’s surly, but he’s too mannerly to be surly to your Mom. She’s taking full advantage of that.” 

Oh, now this he had to go see. Brian grinned at his dad before taking off to his room. He heard Jackie’s soothing voice even before he reached his room. “Come on, Alexander. You’re doing pretty well here. I know you’re tired, but we need to try and meet your calorie quota. You’re not going to get better unless you eat.” 

“I understand, Jackie, I really do.” There was a pause, followed by a bout of coughing. As soon as it was done, AJ spoke again, his voice slightly raspier. “But if you’d just let me feed myself, I promise I’ll eat it. I really will.” 

Brian paused outside the door to shamelessly eavesdrop for the moment. His mouth curved when he heard his mom respond. He could perfectly picture the calm look she’d be wearing as she shook her head. “No, no. I want to make sure you get this. Plus, your hands are still trembling. You might spill it all over. Just let us pamper you for a while. It makes us feel better. Now, come on.” 

“I’m not trembling that bad.” AJ said in a muffled voice. Obviously, he’d taken the bite. 

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Alexander. It’s rude.” 

There was a slightly frustrated sigh that had Brian wanting to laugh. He knew how his mom could be when she got the bit between her teeth; he’d been on the receiving end many times. She wouldn’t leave until she had exactly what she wanted. There wouldn’t be any deterring her. 

“Jackie, please.” AJ’s voice had changed a little, becoming softer. “No more. Please.” 

This time she was the one to sigh. “Your stomach have enough?” 

“Just, please.” Of course, AJ wouldn’t admit to feeling sick. He was already so embarrassed about the whole thing. Pampering was one way to get AJ feeling uncomfortable, especially from anyone else’s parents. Which, Brian reflected, seemed to be something that all their parents did. At one time or another, all of them had spent time with each other’s families, at least a little. AJ had spent plenty of time at Howie’s house with his family and he’d spent one weekend at the Carter’s house and he’d even spent time at the Richardson household. As Brian thought more and more about it, he realized that at every place they’d ever been at as a group, no matter whose parents house it was, their parents all tried to spoil all of them, but AJ and Nick had a tendency to get it the most. 

Nick, most likely because he was the youngest of the group. Everyone’s baby, essentially. Even though Nick hated that. AJ, well, maybe it was because he was just so darn skinny that everyone felt the need to feed him. Or because he looked so tough but acted so mannerly to his elders. Or maybe they’d seen what the rest of them had ignored for a long time. That AJ was a lot softer underneath his shell than he liked to let on. 

Discreetly Brian waited for his mom to come out into the hall, wanting to check on AJ without letting AJ know that he was being checked up on. So he stood down the hall a ways and waited as his mom came out, shutting the door behind her. When she turned and saw him, she smiled at him. “Hey baby.” She said softly as she walked toward him. 

He leaned in, kissing her cheek when she reached him. “Hey, Mom. How’s he doing?” His eyes drifted down to the tray she held in her hands, a bowl of soup half full on it. “Not eating a lot I see.” 

“Oh, he ate half, which is better than none. Baby steps.” Her smile was warm with love. “He seems to be doing ok. That cough won’t leave him alone and his fever keeps going up and down. I think it’s making him ache a little. Fevers usually do that. Makes him a little growly but he does ok.” 

Chuckling, Brian rolled his eyes. “If he’s just a little growly with you, that gives me a heads up on what’s waiting for me.” He teased. 

Jackie laughed and bumped his arm as she went past him. After a bracing breath, Brian went down the hall and into his room. His eyes automatically went to the sulky form lying in bed. He shut the door behind him, watching as AJ’s eyes shot up to him. They were slightly puffy, as they always got when AJ was sick, and a little red from the force of his coughing. 

Despite himself, Brian couldn’t help but find the pout on AJ’s lips and the sulky lines to his face slightly attractive. He’s awfully cute when he pouts Brian thought to himself. He smothered the smile that suddenly wanted to break free. AJ would flip on him if he saw Brian smiling. It was well known that AJ could be a bit of a grizzly bear when he was sick. 

“Bout damn time you got here.” AJ cursed at him. He was propped up on pillows, arms crossed over his chest. “I wake up to find you gone and you don’t come back all damn day long. What the hell, Bri?” 

Brian moved into the room, kicking his shoes off at the end of the bed. “Sorry, Alex. I had a few things to take care of today. I tried to hurry back.” 

“You drag me from the hotel when I’m too sick to know what you’re doing, take me to your parent’s house and dump me in bed, then you disappear first thing in the morning and leave me to fend off your sweet, coddling mom as she’s tried to shove food down my throat all damn day and all you have to say to me is Sorry, Alex?” 

This time Brian had to turn away from the bed and pretend to be doing something else so that AJ wouldn’t see his grin. He wasn’t as successful as he’d hoped though. A pillow hit the back of his head as AJ hissed “Are you laughing at me, Brian Thomas Littrell?” 

He’d known that AJ would be in a high temper. Sick, sore, malnourished, weak…all of those on their own would make AJ miserable, which would make him grumpy. Add them together and it was no wonder he was in a pisser of a mood. But Brian couldn’t stop himself from being amused by it nonetheless. 

Giving up on hiding it, Brian turned around, his smile in full bloom. “I can’t help it, Age. Sorry, sorry.” 

For a single moment AJ glared at him. Then the glare melted underneath a grudging smile. “You’re just lucky you’re cute.” AJ taunted him. “I can’t stay too pissed with you.” 

The good mood inside of Brian grew. He couldn’t help it. Things that had seemed so hard, so difficult before were fading to the background. Not even what he’d done that day could put a damper on the good mood he was in. Being here with AJ, embracing their relationship and embracing who he really was in his heart, had freed Brian from some of the chains that had bee holding him down. He bounced over and plopped down on the bed. “Guess I’ll just have to work on staying cute, then.” 

AJ’s face softened. One hand came out to gently stroke down Brian’s cheek. “You don’t have to work at it. It’s just natural.” 

That compliment had Brian’s smile growing. He turned his head, kissing AJ’s palm. “I love you, Alex.” Saying those words never failed to warm Brian’s heart. How could he have denied this part of himself for so long? Now that he’d set it free it seemed to fill every inch of him. 

If anything, AJ’s face and eyes grew even softer. “I love you too, Brian.” he whispered. 

A sudden bout of coughing interrupted their conversation. When Brian tried to reach to him to find a way to help, AJ swatted his hands away. Once it passed, AJ quickly switched the subject before Brian could say anything. “So, what were you up to today that took you out of the house all day long?” 

Well, he’d known AJ was going to ask that. Some of Brian’s joy slid down a little. He didn’t know how AJ was going to react to this. But, it wasn’t AJ’s decision to make. Reminding himself of that eased some of Brian’s tension. This was his personal choice. It was what was right. Steeling himself, he looked at AJ’s face and said “I went to my lawyer and filed for divorce today.” 

It was easy to see the equal parts of joy and fear that jumped into AJ’s eyes. For a long moment the room was silent. The two men never broke gazes. Then, so softly it was hard to hear him, AJ asked “Are you sure about this? I mean, really sure that this is what you want to do?” 

This part was easy to answer. Easier than Brian had ever thought it would be. He reached out, laying his hand over AJ’s. “This is exactly what I want to do, Alex. I can’t deny what I feel. I can’t be what I think everyone wants me to be. I have to be myself. To live my life the way that I want to and with who I want to. That means divorcing Ashley.” 

“But what about what she threatened? The…the press and such. I mean, obviously your family is ok with this. But what about the rest of the world knowing? You…I mean, you didn’t even want the guys to know before all this went down. How’s it going to be when the whole world knows?” 

He’d known that AJ would ask something like that. Brian had had plenty of time to think of all the questions AJ would ask and all the answers that he could give to his love. This had been a conversation Brian had known was coming and one that he’d wanted to be prepared for. Sure of. 

“This is what I want.” He said gently. Smiling, he squeezed AJ’s hand. “You’re what I want, Age. I fought who I was for way too long. This is me, now. This is what’s right. I feel it. As for the press, well, who cares? I didn’t want the guys to know before because then I wasn’t sure who I was. I hadn’t figured out what I wanted and who I was going to be. I know that now. I have absolutely no shame about what I feel for you. You’re what I want, Alexander James.” 

Tears built in AJ’s eyes. Months ago, AJ would have fought to hide those from Brian. He never would have let Brian see the emotion that he’d always tried so hard to hide. But here, now, together in the bed that Brian had grown up in, all the walls between them were down. “I just want you to be sure, Bri.” AJ said in a ragged whisper. “I want you to be happy. More than anything else, I want you to be happy. Whether that’s with me or not.” 

“You make me happy, AJ.” And God, wasn’t it liberating to finally admit that to himself? Brian let the warmth of his own words fill him. “Like no one else ever has. You’re everything I tried to make myself believe Ash was. You’re perfect for me.” 

“But, but what about later?” The words seemed to be pulled from deep inside of AJ. It made Brian ache to see the doubt that he’d built inside of AJ. This fear of being happy. “What about when things get heavy later on? What about when people start to say horrible things and insult us and judge our life? I can’t stand the thought that us being together is going to hurt you. I can’t have me be the reason that you’re hurting. I’d rather hurt a million times over than let it hurt you the way it will.” 

“I know. And look where that got you.” Brian gestured at AJ’s frail looking body. “Malnourished, sick, broken hearted. You think it’s any easier for me to watch you hurt, honey? I hate it. I hate knowing that what I’ve done to you has hurt you like this.” 

“I can handle it, Bri. I would. If it was what was best for you, I’d let you go. I’d survive.” 

“But why should you do that? Alex, you’re what’s best for me. No one else. Do you hear me?” Brian told him sternly. When AJ looked away, Brian sat up a little. He had to get his point across to AJ. He had to make him understand. “Listen to me, AJ. I know my heart now. You are exactly what I want in my life. When I’m sad, you’re always there for me to help any way you can. When I’m angry, you don’t judge me, don’t run from me. You don’t get mad at me for my temper, even when you should.” He pushed that thought down. Now was not the time to bring that up between them. “Just being with you makes me feel so much better. You take my temper away, chase away the sadness, until all I feel is happy. Every time I’m around you, I’m happy. You’re kind and sweet and caring and all those things that people look for in a partner. You light up my heart like no one else ever has in my life. You leaving isn’t what’s best for me. I need you in my life like I need air to breathe.” 

AJ’s battle with tears was finally lost. They streamed silently down his cheeks. “You’re all that to me too, Bri. God, you have been for so long. I just want you to be sure about this.” 

This time Brian brought his hand up, turning AJ’s face so that they were eye to eye again. He wanted AJ to see how serious he was. “I’m sure, Alex. There’s no going back for me. You’re everything I want and need in my life.” 

Slowly, a smile curved AJ’s lips, growing bigger and bigger until it lit up his face. Suddenly AJ leaned forward and threw his arms around Brian. “I love you, Brian. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Brian squeezed AJ back just as tightly. He’d been right to make this decision. Here, in AJ’s arms, was exactly where he wanted to be.