AJ lay back on his bunk, staring at the ceiling and wondering at his own sanity. For almost a week straight he had been slowly pulling Brian back out of his hidey hole. It was slow going, and sometimes it took just as much knowledge of when to back away as anything else.
That first day he had gone to Brian’s room to have help with shopping for a mother’s day gift. That had been entertaining, and fun. AJ couldn’t remember the last time that he and Brian had sat and laughed like that for hours on end. Once they’d finally found the right gift, a beautiful handcrafted necklace from a small designer who barely had a webpage, they decided that they didn’t want the day to end. So AJ suggested they sprawl out and watch movies.
So they’d ordered room service and pulled up the movies on pay-per-view and sat down for an afternoon of food and laughter. That night, just as he would with any of the other guys, AJ headed to his room for bedtime.
So started his campaign. Each night they got together for one reason or another, always in the hotel rooms. It was either movies, or flipping on the TV, or card games. Or just grabbing a bite to eat. At first Brian tried to stay aloof, but AJ could see that they were slowly gaining their friendship back, which was what he wanted. But at the same time, he was going slowly insane with wanting the older man. Still, no pain no gain, right?
They’d done three shows so far for the week, two interviews, and a radio show. AJ had to admit that Brian had been right, makeup hated him. But they managed to cover up both his and Nick’s marks.
A sound from the front of the bus drew AJ out of his thoughts. He stared over at the curtain that shielded him from the rest of the bus and had to stifle a sigh.
Traveling was proving interesting. The current bus rotation had Kevin and Brian on one bus, and Nick, Howie, and AJ on the other. Thankfully Nick had been transferred over to Kevin and Brian’s bus. That left AJ with Howie, who avoided him like the plague. Kevin avoided him as well. It was grating, and hurtful, but AJ held his tongue. It was easier if he focused his thoughts on Brian and ignored all else. Then he didn’t have time to hurt so much.
But a part of him really wanted to hop out of his bunk and go confront Howie. They were supposed to be the best of friends. Should his best friend be standing by him right then, supporting him? Not avoiding him as if there was something wrong with him just because he was gay? It was bullshit, that’s what it all was.
Just as he was getting a little heated up, his cell phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him. He pulled it out and wondered if his mom was messaging him again. The first thing he saw on there was Brian’s name. A grin curved AJ’s lips as he pressed the button to open the message. ‘Would you care if our group went down from five to four?’
For a second AJ froze, worried about what that could mean. Was Brian trying to say that he was going to leave the band? Oh God. That couldn’t be it. It had to be something else. He tried to keep calm as he text his reply. ‘That all depends. What’s up, Frickalicious?’
It only took a minute for Brian’s response to come in. ‘If I have 2 listen 2 another discussion from Kev on Fracks behavior at interviews, I’m going2 scream. 1 of them has g2g.’
Oh thank you God! Brian didn’t want to leave. He was just being a smart ass. ‘Fucker. You had me scared there for a sec.’ he sent back. Then he shifted in the bunk, rolling over to his stomach and pulling his pillow under his chest. If this was going to be anything like the old days, Brian could text for hours. Eventually he might end up calling and whispering with him, but he was notorious for playing with his text messages.
Brian: Oh I did? What a shame, Bone…
AJ: Shove it.
Brian: why, AJ, I’m shocked! Such vulgarity ;)
AJ: I’ll show you vulgar, Rok. :D
Brian: Put your evil mind to work n help me figure out a way to shut these 2 up!
AJ: Kevin lecturing Nick? Yeah right. :|
Brian: come on!! Plz!!!
AJ: SIGH
AJ: put some sleeping pills in their coffee that’ll shut em up
Brian: Thought of that. I don’t have any. :(
AJ: Pit stop in like twenty, I think
Brian: well, u think maybe D might switch buses w/ me?
Shock had AJ gaping at his phone. Brian was asking to trade over and come on his bus? Holy shit! That was a big step on Brian’s part. AJ text him back with a quick ‘Let me ask’. Then he started to launch up, succeeding in knocking his head on the ceiling of his bunk. Cursing loudly he rolled sideways and cradled his head, his blankets tangling around his waist. The next thing he knew he was rolling out the edge of the bunk, blankets wrapped around him, and landing with a loud thump on the ground.
Howie jumped to his feet, ready to rush back and see what was going on. One look at AJ lying in the middle of the hallway, Howie wasn’t able to resist laughing. “Holy shit, J!” he chortled, coming over to help him climb to his feet. “None of us have done that in years!”
“Yeah, yeah.” AJ grumbled, still rubbing the back of his head. “I just popped my head up and didn’t pay enough attention. Look, I wanted to talk to you anyways.”
A funny look crossed Howie’s face before he answered. “Sure, Age. What’s up?”
AJ took a deep breath and pushed down the hurt and the anger that wanted to come out in the face of Howie’s obvious problems with even talking to him. This was more important than any of that. “Rok was texting me an wants to know if you mind switching for a bit at the next pit stop. He’s bored out of his mind over there.”
It was painful how quickly Howie agreed to it. Trying not to think on it, AJ went back into his bunk while Howie gathered up his stuff. Quickly AJ sent off his text, saying ‘He said its cool. See u in the store’ and then waited for the driver to call out for the pit stop.
When they finally reached it, parked outside of a Wal-Mart, AJ practically flew inside of the store. There were some things he wanted to do and Kevin was notorious for forcing them to hurry through a pit stop. He would have them paged over the intercom if he wasn’t fast enough.
The others were already in the store. AJ caught sight of Brian and gave him a wide, goofy grin. He jogged over to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, still grinning. “I’m totally stealing Brian.” He Kevin and Nick who were standing there. He was in too good a mood to let the problems with the other two stress him out. Plus, they were in public. None of them would ruin their image in public. Bad behavior was saved for private times.
“You’re stealing me, huh?” Brian teased him. With a grin he tilted his head to look at AJ out of the corner of his eyes. For just a split second AJ felt the wind get knocked out of him. God! Brian was just a naturally good looking person. AJ was used to that. But sometimes he’d get these little looks, or this certain sparkle in his eyes, and it was like a fist to AJ’s gut.
There was barely a pause before AJ managed to recover. He laughed and moved his hand, taking hold of Brian’s arm. With a tug he took off jogging, forcing Brian to follow him. “Let’s get some snacks before the old man makes us get back on the bus!”
Instead of forcing him to slow down as the others might have, or rolling his eyes at AJ’s random goofiness, Brian grinned and shot off with him.
Laughing like loons, the two men wove through the midafternoon crowd and headed directly toward the snack aisle. Somewhere along the way Brian had snagged a basket and the two proceeded to fill it with chips and dips and other assorted foods. Once they had it full they started to weave their way back toward the front.
AJ spotted something along the way and couldn’t resist darting between some shelves. He heard Brian’s laugh follow him but he was on a mission. A minute later he emerged with a brown plaid fedora in one hand, a brown cowboy hat in the other, and a black cowboy hat on his head. He put the brown cowboy hat on Brian’s head and grinned at him. “There.” He declared, stepping back. “You look sexy as hell now.”
A blush stained Brian’s cheeks. AJ could see that the compliment both pleased and flustered Brian. But he recovered after a second, hiding behind humor. “You saying I wasn’t sexy before?”
“Shit, Bri. Stupid question.”
The two were grinning as they paid for their items.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brian nervously threw his bag down on the ground of AJ and Howie’s bus. At the time it had seemed like such a good idea to come over here and room with AJ. There was no one he currently got along with better than AJ. No one who understood him the same way. Around AJ he didn’t have to pretend that everything was ok. Sure, he hadn’t told his friend what was going on, but he knew that something had happened. It allowed Brian the freedom to be himself.
Another part of it that he barely wanted to admit to was that he enjoyed watching AJ. Being with him. Listening to him talk. Hell, anything about him. They were starting to get a deeper friendship with one another, which was something that Brian loved. But it also scared him. He didn’t know if he wanted to ever become that close to someone ever again.
Being around AJ was like a drug. Brian enjoyed every minute of it. Being in AJ’s company was like being high; happy and carefree and just an all-around good time. But then when he wasn’t with him, he was all Brian could think about. That was dangerous.
Once before someone had meant that much to him. They had meant the world to one another. Yet the time span of a single day had changed it all. Changed his very future. Not just that, but the core of who he was. Brian no longer felt like himself. More like a shell of his former self. The outside did all the appropriate things, but what was inside was just pain and heartache and fear.
If he trusted AJ, would they end up the same way? Would AJ end up betraying him too? That thought was devastating. He couldn’t handle it if that happened. But no, AJ would never deliberately hurt him. Then again, he had never thought that the other one would hurt him either. Look where he was now.
A knuckle came under Brian’s chin, pulling him from his thoughts and tipping his head up. There before him was AJ, love reflected in his eyes so bright that Brian felt it reach down inside of him. He looked so handsome standing there staring at him with that cowboy hat still perched on his head. “Don’t go chasing maybes and what-if’s.” AJ spoke softly and slowly. “No two situations or people are the same. I’m not him, Bri. I’m me. One of these days you’ll see that, and you’ll look at me without this distrust in your gaze.”
Shame filled Brian at hearing that his feelings had leaked into his eyes. “I don’t mean to hurt you. It’s not just you that I have trust problems with.” He whispered. Part of him wanted to look away, to hang his head in embarrassment, but something in AJ’s eyes held him in place.
“I know, querido. I can wait. For you, I can be patient.” AJ moved his hand so that instead of tipping Brian’s head up, he was cupping his cheek. Neither noticed as the bus started to move. “I love you. Nothing is going to change that.”
Staring into AJ’s eyes, Brian knew that he wouldn’t be able to walk away. If he got hurt in the end, as he inevitably would, then so be it. But for now, for this time, he wanted to be around someone who he knew loved him. To be wrapped in that love and that trust and pretend, just for a little while, that he deserved it.