Sighing, Brian rolled his shoulders as he looked around the darkened part of the backstage. Lights were going out front, and the fans were screaming. Usually he was hyper when it was time for the show to start. But right at the moment he couldn’t bring himself to be that excited over anything. Not only was he still dealing with the hurt, but there was the loneliness as well. Lately he had come to rely on having AJ around so strongly that he felt bereft without him.
His eyes kept glancing around, trying to catch sight of AJ somewhere in the chaos of everything. But even though he’d heard him once or twice, he had yet to see him. He hoped that he’d be able to keep himself under control when he did. Half of him was still so furious with AJ. The other half wanted to rush into his arms.
Add on to all of that was the fear of how the fans were going to be. There hadn’t been any problems when they arrived, but who knew how many were out there? Before the lights had dimmed it had seemed like they were pretty full. Would they all be happy to see him? Or would there be scouts and insults flung up at the stage from those who would be upset that he was gay? This was his and AJ’s first public appearance since the news had come out.
PR had said to act like nothing was different. That if they just performed like normal, the rest would be taken care of in specially selected interviews. Right now the important part was doing the shows they were paid to do.
So as the stage went dark and the music started, Brian put his game face on and forced the smile to curve his lips. He heard the others join him in their line, ready to take their cue to rush out on stage. Then the music hit their cue, and there was no time to worry about anything, no time to do anything but be a Backstreet Boy.
Brian said his hellos with the rest of them, and threw himself into the first song “Everybody”. The fans went wild as they always did. Nothing negative seemed to be happening. There was no boo’s or bad things thrown at the stage or anything like that. They made their way around the stage and Brian had to force himself to do his job even as AJ’s voice singing around him had shivers running down his spine.
The first time he caught sight of AJ’s face he almost tripped on the stage. Somehow he managed to catch himself and make it look all as if he was goofing off as he ran past others and sang his lines. But his mind was whirring. What the hell had given AJ that split lip? Or the huge bruise on his eye and temple? Holy shit.
Somehow Brian kept his composure and made it through the next few songs. When they took their second offstage to make a quick costume change there was no time to get to AJ and ask him what the hell had happened. There was no down time at all until it came time for the solo’s.
Kevin did his solo first. While he was gone, Brian tried to move over and find AJ, but suddenly AJ had disappeared. What the hell was going on? He turned to ask Nick and found that Nick, too, had gone. Howie was the only one there. Brian made sure his mic wasn’t hot and quickly stepped up to Howie. “What the hell is up with AJ’s face?” he asked him.
The look Howie gave him was half annoyed, half concerned. “I don’t know. He wouldn’t tell me. Why are you asking? I didn’t think you were too fond of him right now.” Unspoken was the hint that Brian caught. Howie had thought he had done this.
“I didn’t touch him, D. I haven’t seen him since I left.”
Howie opened his mouth to speak, but the cue came for Kevin to come off and Howie to run up. Next would be Brian, then Nick, followed last by AJ.
The minute he was backstage, Kevin found his way over to Brian, looking furious. He didn’t waste any time in saying what he wanted once his mic was turned off. “I don’t know what your little boyfriend’s problem is but you tell him to keep his fucking hands off of Stephen.”
Stephen? Brian felt his eyes grow wide as the realization hit him. The only person in the world that AJ would have that much anger and hatred toward. The person he’d wanted to beat ever since he had found out about what he’d done to Brian.
It didn’t take much for Brian’s mind to make all the necessary connections and then for his own anger to start to grow. Stephen must have been the one to release the story to the press. That little son of a bitch.
Brian’s eyes were flashing when he looked back at Kevin. “You tell Steph to keep his fucking mouth shut and not go telling things to the press just because he’s mad at me.”
“What? He’d never do anything like that!”
“The hell he wouldn’t.” Brian hissed at him. Up above them Howie’s music was winding to the end. With a glare Brian started to get himself ready. “He’s pissed I won’t give him money, and he’s pissed I won’t fuck him again now that he’s married. You don’t know the whole story, Kevin. You have no idea about the relationship I had with Steph and how hard he fucked me over after telling me he loved me. You don’t know about the way he’s treated me, or AJ, or the things he’s done. He’s not as pure as you think.”
With that Brian headed out on stage.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time that AJ’s solo rolled around, Brian was mentally exhausted. There was nothing he wanted to do so much as go back to the hotel and go to bed. Or go somewhere quiet that he could think. Realizing that it had been Stephen who was the cause of this being released had redirected some of Brian’s anger. No wonder AJ had kicked his ass. Secretly Brian hoped that Stephen looked worse for wear than AJ did. The idea satisfied him.
Suddenly Brian realized that his name was being called. He looked up toward the stage as AJ’s voice echoed through the speakers. “Brian Littrell, would you please come to the stage? Oh, Brian! Bri-an! I know you hear me! Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
The screams of the audience grew louder. Brian looked around in confusion when a pair of hands started to push on him. It was Nick. “Go, Bri!” he hissed, pushing Brian up the stairs until he was left with no choice but to step back out on stage.
Instantly he put his stage smile on, waving to the crowd as he bounded forward. Someone turned his mic back on for him, because when he spoke he heard it echo. “You summoned me?” he teased, though he didn’t feel in the least bit playful.
“Yep. Have a seat for a minute.” AJ gestured to the stool that was next to him.
Up close AJ looked worse than Brian had realized. The bruising around his eye was covered with makeup, but that worked better for distance, not up close. Still, it was even less visible with the shades that AJ had on. Just parts of it peeked out the side. His split lip, well, there was no hiding that.
All nerves and not knowing why, Brian perched on the stool, hooking his heels on the bottom rung. He gave the crowd a grin and a shrug as if to say ‘I don’t know either!’
AJ’s lips curved in a small half smile before he turned back to the audience. His words had everyone, including Brian, freezing and going almost totally silent.
“I know that most of you have probably read that article that was written about us by now. I imagine that you’ve seen it on the news now, and that it’s everywhere, right? Yet you’re still here, true fans! All of you wonderful people who still came to the show for the music. We love you all so much!”
Here AJ had to pause to let fans scream. When it was quiet again he continued.
“But, I imagine that you all learned that I did something totally stupid. Not what everyone thinks, but stupid still. I didn’t tell this wonderful man, this person that I will admit to you here and now I love, about what had happened with me and Nick. About the whole ‘bet’ thing.”
Another voice joined them onstage and Brian found his wide eyes turning toward Nick. Oh my God, what was going on here? Was AJ really putting this out in front of everyone? AJ? His tough, reserved, never show weakness lover?
“Now, I had to come out myself to clear a few things up so you guys don’t get too mad at AJ. I did try to make a bet with him because I saw how much he and Brian liked each other but they hadn’t tried to do anything about it! So I thought if I did this, I could get AJ to at least try.” Nick sent a glance and a grin over at Brian. “What everyone doesn’t know, what I was stupid about, was that AJ kept telling me he wouldn’t take the bet. We fought after some harsh words, and Brian helped him walk away so we could cool down. I assumed he’d take the bet. AJ considered it so stupid he didn’t ever think about it again. So, he never really accepted it, you see?”
“That’s right.” AJ interjected again. He waved Nick away, who backed up with a smile and went over to sit on the middle platform of the stage. There he picked up a guitar, settling it in his lap and tuning the strings.
AJ looked over at Brian. “But because I was stupid and didn’t tell Brian, I hurt him. In a sense I lied to him, and that was stupid. It was hurtful. I know there’s no words that can express to you how sorry I am. I’m not good with just regular words. Hell, I couldn’t think of anything that I could do either to try and make things right. Except this.”
He looked back out at the audience. “Tonight, I ask you to keep your cheers down just a little. Tonight, my solo is going to be a little special. Nick over here will play guitar, but that’s all the music we’ll have. He’ll sing chorus with me, but otherwise, this is just me and my heart.”
With one hand AJ reached up and took of his shades so that he could look Brian eye to eye. It pinned him to his stool. Those warm chocolate eyes seemed to see straight down to his heart. “I know that I hurt you, Bri. So tonight I put my heart out to the world to show you how sorry I am. I hope you hear the meaning behind this.”
Nick started to strum a few bars, but Brian paid him no mind. His eyes and attention were focused on AJ as he slowly started to sing.
It's not that I can't live without you
It's just that I don't even want to try
Every night I dream about you
Ever since the day we said goodbye
If I wasn't such a fool
Right now I'd be holding you
There's nothin' that I wouldn't do
Baby if I only knew
The words echoed through Brian’s mind and in to his heart. There was so much emotion packed into the words that he could barely seem to breathe as they washed over him. Nick’s voice joined in for the chorus, complementing AJ’s perfectly.
The words to say
The road to take
To find a way back to your heart
What can I do
To get to you
And find a way back to your heart
AJ stepped toward Brian, totally ignoring the audience around him. His whole being was centered on Brian and on trying to show him how he felt. Brian wrapped his arms around himself as AJ’s voice filled him.
I don't know how it got so crazy
But I'll do anything to set things right
Cuz your love is so amazing
Baby you're the best thing in my life
Let me prove my love is real
And made you feel the way I feel
I promise I would give the world
If only you would tell me girl
Nick joined in again for the chorus. Brian didn’t even hear him anymore. Tears were spilling freely down his cheeks.
The words to say
The road to take
To find a way back to your heart
What can I do
To get to you
And find a way back to your heart
AJ dropped suddenly to his knees, his hands coming up to rest on Brian’s knees. His voice grew raspier with the emotion there. Right then Brian realized that AJ was crying as well. Silent tears that made rivers down his cheeks to drip to the floor.
Give me one more chance, to give my love to you
Cuz no one on this earth loves you like I do
Tell me...
The words to say
The road to take
To find a way back to your heart
What can I do
To get to you
And find a way back to your heart
I turn back time
To make you mine
And find a way back to your heart
I beg and plead
Fall to my knees
To find a way back to your heart
The words and the music slowed so that everything around them was suddenly silent. Looking down at AJ, love filled Brian’s heart. The anger he had felt seemed to drain away from him. In that one song AJ had expressed his feelings so well. Brian knew, without a doubt, that this hadn’t been an intentional lie on AJ’s part. He really had simply forgotten about the bet.
His tears came faster and faster as he uncurled his arms from around his waist. Hands shaking, he reached down and took hold of AJ’s hands, pulling him up to his feet. The two men forgot the fans for a moment.
“I am so sorry I hurt you, sugar.” AJ whispered to him, the words playing for thousands of ears.
Brian shook his head and brought his hand up to cup AJ’s cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you better. I should have known you wouldn’t set out to hurt me.”
“I love you, Brian.”
Brian smiled a smile full of love and joy and everything happy inside of him. His heart felt light. “I love you too, Alex.”
The two men leaned in to kiss and the crowd around them erupted in screams and cheers.