It took the better part of fifteen minutes before Brian had finished crying himself out. When his tears finally stopped and his sniffles were down to a minimum he felt AJ shift slightly so that he could look down into his face. “Feel better now, love?” he asked him gently.
Brian looked at AJ’s face and, for the first time, allowed himself to feel the emotions that boiled inside of him. The love that he had been denying for too long. Even now, after everything he had witnessed, AJ stood there ready to support him. He didn’t ask any probing questions. He hadn’t demanded an answer. No, he’d simply held him while he cried for fifteen minutes straight.
If that wasn’t love, the enduring kind of love, than what was? Brian knew he couldn’t wall himself away for the rest of his life. Eventually he would have to trust someone. To talk to someone and let them past his walls. Who better than AJ? The man who loved him, and who he was falling head over heels for.
“A little.” He finally replied to AJ’s question. His voice was hoarse from weeping, and oh so tired. But he straightened enough to wipe at his face. “Can we…is it ok if we sit and talk for a bit?”
“Of course.”
AJ led them over to the couch. He took a seat on one end and gestured for Brian to sit as well. After a moment’s deliberation, Brian toed his shoes off and sat down, pulling his feet up on the couch so he could rest his chin on his knees. AJ mirrored the pose, leaving their feet brushing against one another.
Before Brian could speak, AJ reached a hand out and lightly touched his leg. “I just want you to know, Bri, that you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. I respect that this is your business and I won’t pressure you to tell me if you’re not ready. I’ll stay by your side either way.”
That right there was why Brian knew he was right in telling him. “I need to say it, Alex. Before anything between you and I goes any further, I need to say it. I won’t hide things from you.”
Seeing that this was what Brian wanted, AJ settled back into his corner of the couch and fell silent. There was love in his eyes; a love that Brian realized he had come to depend on being there. It gave him strength, and helped him to start to find the words he needed.
“I’ve known Stephen since I was about five years old. He was always a part of my childhood, and my teen years as well. Even after Kevin and I were in the group, we still saw him each time we came home. I was attracted to him for a quite a while as well. That was hard for me to reconcile. I finally admitted it, at least to myself, about a year after joining the group. When I would come home for visits and see him and it would set my blood to racing or my heart to pumping.
“I started to pull back from him a little because I thought that feeling this way for a man, especially one who had been my friend for so long, was just wrong. I thought that he would see it in my face and grow to hate me for it. So, rather than have his hatred, I tried to use time and our group to pull back.
“It worked pretty well. I started to forget those feelings I had for him, and so it was easy to convince myself that if I saw him it wouldn’t be a big deal. That it would just be easy to be his friend once again. What I hadn’t counted on was how much he’d grown and changed, too.”
Brian paused, lifting his head and looking off to the side. He was lost in memories, some of them sweet, some of them painful.
“Almost a year and a half ago we went home for a few months on break between tours. I went for a walk one day, something that I like to do when I’m home. I like the feeling of walking without security following me. But I heard someone following me, and when I turned around there he was. He looked so good. I swear my heart just started beating faster and faster with just that first look.
“He told me that he’d missed me, and bluntly asked why I’d been avoiding him. I tried to deny it, but he said that he knew. Since I couldn’t lie to him, I just stood there and blushed like an idiot. The next thing I know he was cupping my cheek and telling me how much I’d grown and changed, and how good I looked. Then he kissed me. It was…beautiful.
“Things kind of grew from there. I don’t really want to get into the dating stage of things. Suffice to say that it was sweet, and we loved it. I loved it. He made me feel beautiful and cherished. Like I was someone special.”
Dropping his gaze back down, Brian stared at his knees. Here was where it got hard. He swallowed the lump in his throat. AJ didn’t speak, but gave him the silence he needed to gather himself. When he was in control again, he continued.
“He’d always talked about his plans to open an antique store, and I’d always supported him in it. Somehow I ended up loaning him the money to start it up. I can look back now and see all the little ways that he used me like a bank, always assuming that I would be there to help him. Hell, I always was. He wouldn’t have that place or anything to put in it if it wasn’t for me.
“But I didn’t care. I loved him, so it was worth it to me. He’d come and meet me sometimes when he was on trips to acquire things. We’d hole up somewhere in a hotel and just be with one another. It was always beautiful to me. But he started meeting me less and less, and I was worried. So on our last break, I went home with the intent to talk to him and find out what was going on.
“I showed up at the house and mom was fit to bursting with her news. Stephen had married the girl down the road. Carrie. Wasn’t that just wonderful? I stood in the kitchen and my world just fell apart.”
His voice cracked as he recalled that moment. The look on his mother’s face, so happy. The way that his heart had seemed to freeze in his chest before starting to crack. Not break yet, no. Part of his mind had denied what it was being told. There was no way that Stephen would do that to him. They had just been discussing telling their families not even a month ago!
“I don’t remember much more of talking to her. All I know is I set out to walk, my feet taking me down the familiar trail, the one where I was due to meet Stephen anyways. He was waiting for me just like he always was by the tree stump we usually sat at. A smile was on his face. I remember that clearly. He was smiling when I got there, and he wasted no time in coming over and kissing me.
“I pulled back from him. I think he knew right then that I knew. But he pretended for a little bit, and asked me if I was ok. I told him that Mom had told me about his marriage. He didn’t even bother to deny it. He just sighed and told me that he hadn’t wanted me to find out that way.”
As he told the story, Brian found himself transported back to that day. Even though he was looking at his knees, they weren’t what he saw. All he could see was Stephen’s face.
~~~~flashback~~~~
“This wasn’t how I wanted you to find out.” Stephen said gently. His voice and his eyes carried the same love they always had, but it was tinged with sadness now. Brian felt as if he was floundering, trying to get his head above water. “Why?” It was all he could croak out.
“I didn’t do it to hurt you, Bri. Please, if you believe nothing, believe that. I didn’t want to hurt you.” The words were beseeching but Brian couldn’t get beyond the pain of finding out that this was really true. Stephen had gotten married. “Brian, you know how my family is. They’re even more religious than yours! They’ve been on me to find a wife, to accept Carrie. They told me how perfect she was for me, and how this was the right path. They threatened to cut me off if I didn’t marry her! To cut me out of the family and out of their lives. I…I had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice. I would have taken you in.” Brian said softly. He looked into his boyfriends eyes and felt his pain double at the thought that Stephen hadn’t trusted him to do that. “I would have helped you out, and supported you if need be. I would have been your family for you.”
“I know. But I couldn’t ask that of you! How could I be that kind of person, to come live like a groupie? I would have been miserable, baby. Absolutely miserable.”
That was another shaft of pain. How could he be miserable so long as they were together? Wasn’t that what mattered? Brian wrapped his arms around his waist, chilled despite the bright sun spilling down on them. “Why didn’t you at least tell me? I visited you in St. Louis just a month ago! Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you that I was married, baby. I couldn’t seem to make the words work.”
Wait…married? Not engaged? “You were already married when I came to see you?” He asked suddenly. The look that flashed into Stephen’s eyes was enough. It made Brian sick to his stomach. Anger took the place of some of the pain. “You slept with me even though you had a new bride at home? What the hell, Steph!”
“It’s not like that!” Stephen insisted. He held a hand out to Brian, but dropped it when Brian took a step back. “Listen, baby, our marriage isn’t a real one. Neither one of us wants to be with the other. She has someone else she loves too. We did this because we had to. For our families. She knows that I have someone I love, and that I want to be with. I thought…”
What he thought was left unsaid, but it was painfully clear to Brian. “You thought we could still be together even though you have a wife? Are you kidding me! You want me to help you commit adultery? To be your fucking whore that you come see when you need a quick fix?”
“Brian!”
“Don’t you ‘Brian’ me! I will not be a little fuck toy for you to have. You married someone else, Steph! After promising me that we would be together, after telling me that you loved me, you went and married someone else! How dare you? You should have at least had the dignity to tell me, not let me find out like this! Not to use me to cheat on her you bastard!”
Stephen’s eyes narrowed. “There’s no call to be nasty, Bri. I was just, proposing something that might benefit us all. If that’s not what you want, then fine, but don’t stand there and insult me.”
Shock filled Brian to his core. He couldn’t believe what was happening. This was not the Stephen he knew and had fallen in love with. This was an imposter standing there before him, saying these things, suggesting such an idea. “You were proposing I help you commit adultery. With my faith alone, not to mention my own morals, how could you think I would do that?”
“Oh don’t throw your faith at me.” Stephen scoffed. “You crossed the lines of faith the first time you let me fuck you, Brian.”
“The hell with you. I loved you. Under the eyes of God, no love is wrong. But it’s obvious you never loved me. Go to hell, Stephen. Better yet, go to your wife. I hope you two are fucking happy with one another.” As if he had no control over it, the one question that ached through Brian’s heart the most rose up to his lips. “Did I ever matter to you at all?”
For the first time Brian saw the usual warmth in Stephen’s eyes fade away to become like ice. “You were a nice little diversion.” The cold words were like salt on an open wound. “You occupied me until something better came along. I knew what I had to do, and I knew I’d marry her. But I enjoyed the time I had with you.”
As if that wasn’t enough, Stephen gave him a sickening leer. “You were a good looking fuck, even if you are a God damn cold fish in the sack. Carrie responds better than you ever did and she was still a virgin. I guess this is for the best, anyways. It was getting difficult to fake it. You may be good looking, but you wouldn’t know passion if it came up and slapped you in the face.”
“Go to hell.” Brian whispered through numb lips. “Don’t ever step foot in my family’s house again. You won’t be welcome.”
Anger suddenly radiated through Stephen. He took a step forward, his hands clenching into fists on either side of him. “Let me make one thing clear, Brian. You will not fuck up my standing in this community by telling anyone your garbage. I will deny it until the very end.”
He took another step forward, and Brian instinctively backed away from that raptor sharp gaze.
“If you think you’re going to tell anyone about this, I swear to you I will slander your name from here to the ends of the earth. I will tell everyone what a whore you are, to throw yourself at me, wanting me even though I didn’t want you. I’ll tell them the truth about what a little whore you are. You think you can threaten me? You think you’re so big just because you’ve seen some of the world now? God, you’re pathetic. You’ve been pathetic, the way you’ve followed me around for years now. The way you used to stare at me with those moony eyes.”
“I thought you loved me.” The words were so quiet they almost weren’t heard.
Stephen laughed. “Love you? As if you could ever be good enough for that. The most you’ll ever be is a pretty fuck, Bri. Cold, but pretty. The rest of you is worthless.”
His heart breaking, Brian did the only thing he could think of. The only thing that would save his sanity. He turned and ran.
~~~~~end flashback~~~~~
Silence filled the hotel room when Brian finished his story. Tears streamed down his face. His heart felt like it was breaking all over again. Ashamed of his tears, and of what he had just told AJ, he buried his face against his knees. He didn’t want to look at AJ; was afraid of what he would see.