This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.
He knew, deep down inside, that he was doing the right thing. That didn’t make it any easier. But it did give him the strength to stand his ground. He was so tired of the fights. So tired of the shouting and the anger. This last night had been just one too many. Everyone had a breaking point. Brian Littrell stared at his hands, which were wrapped around a cup of coffee he had yet to drink.
For the entire night, and half the morning, he’d been waiting for his lover to come home. This last fight had been the biggest yet. The things that Nick had said to him had torn at his insides until he felt as he should be bleeding on the floor.
When had they lost their friendship? How had they reached this point? First they’d been the best of friends. Frick and Frack. Inseparable. From there it had almost seemed natural to progress to the dating stage. They’d both known that they were gay, even if the public hadn’t. So when those feelings for one another had started to build, it had felt right. Natural.
The next step had been to move in with one another. For those first few months it had been idyllic. The flush of new love, new beginnings. But somewhere along the way something had changed. Brian couldn’t pinpoint exactly when, or which one of them had started it. There’d been little fights, but any couple had those.
Yet, the fights had grown as time went on. Grown and changed until they consumed their life. If they spent any time together outside of work for longer than an hour, there was guaranteed to be a fight.
Whenever Nick felt backed into a corner, as inevitably he felt when he fought with someone, he could become nasty very quickly. Without a thought to how the other person might feeling hearing what was said Nick would fling his words out like daggers. A few times Brian had found himself responding in kind, and had been appalled with himself. That was when he’d tried to stop the fighting. He tried to make peace; had put a serious effort into it.
No matter how hard he tried, it seemed to only piss Nick off even more. It would make him respond even angrier. Brian felt as if he was stuck in a vicious cycle. A lose, lose situation. Nothing he did made it better. An all the while, as he tried to fix things, as Nick continued to lash out, a part of Brian felt as if he was dying inside. Each day it was harder and harder to get up. To move on with his life and pretend as if nothing was happening.
Some days he just wished he could lie down and give up.
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.
One hour bled into the next. Then another. The coffee was long gone. By now Brian had switched to water. He had to have something to wrap his hands around. If he didn’t he was afraid of what he might do. His body physically ached, as if he had gone through a beating. He knew it was all internal. Emotional and mental pain. If the pain he felt had been physical, he would have been a bruised and bloody mess.
Every few minutes he found his eyes drifting to the cell phone that sat near his hands. Waiting for a call. Something to tell him what was going on. Even if it was just Nick calling to yell more, at least he would know he was ok. That he was alive.
As if in answer to his prayers Nick came walking through the door. One look at Nick’s face and everything that Brian had wanted to say dried up in his throat. He couldn’t speak to save his life. All he could do was stare into the blue eyes that he had used to love so much. Eyes he had always felt he could get lost in. When had they turned to cold and mocking? Where was the Nick that he had fallen in love with?
Nick disappeared up the stairs. Brian couldn’t bring himself to move. It was as if something was holding him in place. Dread curled in his stomach. Though he didn’t know what it was, he knew instinctively that something was going to happen. Something that was going to hurt.
A few minutes later Nick came downstairs, and Brian knew what that something was. In each hand Nick had a suitcase, and a duffle was thrown over his arm. For another minute they looked at one another. There was no sorrow, no regret, in those beautiful eyes. They were frozen. How long had it been since he had seen love reflected back at him?
“I’m going to stay with Mom and Dad for a few days.”
That was all he said before he walked out the door. He shut it with a sound like a gunshot echoing through the empty house.
Wandering this house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do, never.
Pain was like a vice around his heart. Nick had just left him. Without an explanation. Without anything. Just packed his bags and left. As if everything between them had meant nothing. At that moment Brian whished with all his heart that he had someone to call. One of his friends, to come and sit with him and help him feel better. But no one even knew anything was wrong.
Brian felt his hands start to shake. He wandered through the house as he’d been doing for days. Days since Nick had left him. He couldn’t bring himself to leave, as if by leaving, he might miss being home when Nick came back. But, he wasn’t coming back. The message on Brian’s voicemail was proof of that.
Oh, how he wished someone was here with him. Everyone was blind to their problems. But, God, he needed a friend. He needed someone to understand what he was going through. What he was feeling. Kevin wasn’t the type of person that Brian needed right then. He had the best of intentions, but sometimes it came out so high and freaking mighty.
He’d never been extremely close to Howie. Oh sure, they were friends and all that. But for something like this he didn’t think that he could talk to Howie this way. Not the way he needed to. That only left AJ. Once upon a time, before he’d gone to rehab, AJ had been one of Brian’s closest friends. It had been while AJ was in rehab that Brian and Nick had got together. When AJ had come back home he’d been friendly, but he’d never gone beyond the basic friendship.
Right then, Brian didn’t care if their friendship was strained. At one time AJ had been as close to him as Nick. He stood in the middle of what had once been his room with Nick and pulled out his cell phone, dialing AJ’s number.
“Hey, Rok!” AJ’s voice came over the line, surprise showing clearly. It had been so long since they’d called one another. Since they’d even sat and visited together for anything that wasn’t work.
Tears coursed down Brian’s cheeks. He swayed, one arm coming to wrap around his stomach. Pain was running through him like a poison. It made his words come out in a rush, all boiled together so that he wasn’t sure if AJ would even understand him. “I didn’t know who to call, Age. I’m so alone here right now and I just don’t know what to do, and I can’t take this. I’m scared of doing something stupid. He’s gone, and I’m scared and it hurts, he made sure it’d hurt before he left. He made sure to break me on the inside, and hurt me and it worked. I know you don’t like me anymore and that’s ok but I didn’t know who else to call. There’s no one else who knows me the way you do and who understands me…”
He would have kept rambling if AJ hadn’t cut him off. In the background Brian could hear AJ moving, and the sound of a door suddenly shutting. “You wait for me. Do you hear me?” AJ’s voice was sure and firm. There was another slam. Then the rev of an engine. “I’m just across town, you know how far away that is. I’ll be there as fast as I can. You just stay on the phone and talk to me, ok? I’m not going to let you do anything stupid.”
“God, J, I don’t feel like myself. Why does he do this to me? Why does he try to hurt me?” He stared at the bed. A bed he had loved in. Felt sheltered inside of. Fought over. It had witnessed so much. It had always been his favorite piece of furniture in the entire house. Now, staring at it only intensified the pain. “I can’t do this. I can’t keep living like this anymore. I can’t keep hurting, and faking it, and taking more and more and more. I can’t go back on tour with him now.”
The engine on the other end of the phone revved louder. “Pay attention to me, Bri. Focus on me. Is your door unlocked?”
“Yes.” He hadn’t bothered locking it for days. What was the point? He didn’t know if Nick had taken his keys or not.
“I want you to go to the living room for me.” AJ commanded. The tone to his voice told Brian that this wasn’t a request, but an order. Something inside of Brian responded to that. It was why he had called AJ, even with their friendship as broken as it was. He knew that AJ would come in and take over for him. Right now, he needed that. He couldn’t trust himself to think; to do anything.
So he found himself standing in the living room, staring at the front window, barely registering that he was still on the phone until he heard AJ practically shouting his name. Had he zoned out? “Huh?”
“You stick with me, Brian Thomas Littrell. You stick with ME now. Am I clear? Don’t you dare zone away on me now. I’m two blocks away. You hold on for two more blocks and I’ll be there.”
Funny, but AJ’s voice sounded different. There was a note of panic in the words that Brian had never heard there before. Not even when AJ had told them he was leaving for treatment. It seemed strange to hear him panicking now. He was scaring AJ. Hurting him. Just like Nick always accused him. Thinking only of himself without thinking of the consequences to other people. Thinking only of his own needs. I should never have called him, he thought to himself. Apparently he spoke out loud, because AJ was firm in his ear.
“The fuck you shouldn’t have. I’m pulling up right now. You hear me? I’m in the fucking driveway. Brian, I’ve got to park and hang up now. Just stay where you are.” Outside Brian could hear a car tearing up the driveway and squealing to a halt.
“I’m sorry, Alex.” Brian found himself mumbling. He felt like a fool. Pain washed over him like a tidal wave.
Cursing filled his ear before the line disconnected. Something outside slammed, but Brian was beyond thinking of it. He had held on for as long as he could. Reality was sinking back in. Nick had left him. He had fought with him, and tore his heart and soul until they were bleeding, and then left him. For days. Now, this message. He wasn’t coming home. He was never coming home. Because Brian wasn’t good enough. He was a horrible person, and Nick knew it and couldn’t deal with it anymore.
He never heard the door bust open, but he felt the arms that suddenly came around him. Arms that had used to always be there when he needed them. Arms that had held him many a time when they’d first started to tour and he’d been terrified. Safe in them, Brian gave up the struggle to hold his pain back. He gave up being strong. With a wail he melted into the embrace and trusted his entire being over to the man who had used to be one of his closest friends.
AJ’s voice was warm and raspy in his ear. “I’ve got you, Bri. I’m here now, and I’ve got you.”
So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.
It took days before Brian felt normal enough to do anything beyond the necessities. Yet during that entire time, AJ never left his side. He was with him through the ups and downs, no matter how far down Brian went. He stood by his side and supported him. Not for one minute was Brian left alone. Privately, Brian admitted that it was probably for the best. With the way the wave of depression hit him, there was no telling what he would have done.
The first day of tour rolled around despite his wishes. Time doesn’t stop for the pain of one person. It was time, whether he was ready or not, to face Nick again. By involving AJ in this, though, he had inadvertently created another problem. AJ was absolutely livid with Nick. Beyond furious. If he’d been thinking clearly, he would have thought of that. But he hadn’t been. All he’d been thinking of was his need to have someone with him. His own needs, just like Nick said.
Those doubts and fears and the pain all came flooding back when Brian stood outside of Nick’s room. Brian couldn’t bring himself to knock on the door. Was Nick already in there, waiting for him? How were they supposed to act around one another? Nick hadn’t called since that last message he’d left.
Standing there, Brian could hear that message repeating over and over in his mind. ‘Brian, its Nick. I’m staying at Mom and Dad’s until tour starts back up. I need the space. It’s just all too much. I’m so fed up with the bullshit. Fed up with your bullshit. I can’t take what you expect of me. You demand and demand and always think about yourself. It’s all about you. I need to be about me. I need to think of my needs, since you never do. You’re still hung up on your past, and your own shit. I thought I’d make it work with you, but I can’t. There’s too much shit on your part. But we gotta work something out for tour. When you get to the hotel I’ll leave a message with my room number. Come up and we’ll hash the heavy shit out one last time, and then I’m washing my hands clean of us. See you then.’
If he stepped through that door, everything was over. He would have to admit to himself that the person he loved didn’t love him enough. That he wasn’t good enough. All those old fears were rearing their heads. He wasn’t good enough to hold AJ to him as a friend. He wasn’t good enough to keep his boyfriend loving him. He was selfish. A selfish bastard.
Hand shaking, he reached up and knocked on the door. He tried to stop the trembling, and barely managed to get it under wraps by the time that Nick opened the door. Seeing him was like a knife in the heart. He looked so good, and so cold, all at the same time. Those eyes were icicles. Nick didn’t say a word, but opened the door wide and left room for Brian to step in. He did so, feeling like he was stepping into his own funeral. Nothing was going to be the same anymore.
Once the door was shut and they both stood in the living room, Nick took a deep breath. “We need to be able to work together, Brian. There’s no way we can get around that.”
“I-I understand.” Brian stammered out. What else could he say? How do you talk to someone who’s taking your heart and grinding it into a bloody pulp? His word seemed to make Nick angry. Those icicle eyes flashed sharp. “Don’t put that wounded puppy look up, Brian. For once in your Goddamn life, think about someone other than yourself!”
Oh God, he was trying to. He was trying to think only about Nick and how he was feeling. But he couldn’t make the pain go away just because he was ordered to. “I’m not trying to make it about me, Nick. I just don’t understand. I thought we loved one another.”
“All we do is fight! I come home, and you nag and nag at me to do this or do that. You don’t want me going out to do anything! Always whining at me to stay home with you, to have a movie night or just lay in bed. I felt like I was in jail! I want to go out and do things, to have fun, but you always made me feel like an ass. Like I was obligated to stay home with you!”
Each word shouted at Brian felt like another slash with the knife. Oh, God, it hurt. But he had to think beyond the hurt and look at it from Nick’s point of view. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I just wanted to spend time with you.”
“You smothered me. I can’t live like that. I may love you, in some way, but not that much. You make me feel trapped! I could feel myself starting to hate you. I hated waking up and seeing your face. I hated the way you looked at me like a broken little puppy when you didn’t get your way. I had to get the hell out of there before I went insane!”
The pain threatened to overwhelm Brian. He couldn’t do this. He wasn’t strong enough for this. Already broken on the inside, this was like salt to his open wounds. Like he was drowning and couldn’t catch his breath. “Ok, Nick. I understand. I won’t create any problems for the tour.”
A knock sounded on the door right before Nick would have said something. It was probably a good thing. Whatever Nick had been about to say, his face had been furious. Brian watched as Nick took a deep breath and locked all of it away. By the time he opened the door, he was all smiles. Kevin was on the other side, looking curiously from one to the other. “Is everything ok in here?” he asked solemnly.
“It’s perfect, Kev. Don’t worry so much. We’re fine.” Nick said, still all smiles. The transformation was amazing. Who had known that Nick was such a good liar? Nothing was perfect. Nothing was fine. Brian’s heart and his life were lying broken at his feet.
Kevin looked like he was going to question it for a minute, but thought better of it. “Meeting in my room.” Was all he said before he walked away.
Nick looked back at Brian, and that coldness showed in his eyes again. “We’ll tell them that we decided we make better friends than anything else. I will not let this fuck up our group. If you do, Brian, so help me God…” The threat trailed off. Tears burned at the backs of Brian’s eyes, but he held them in. Never had Nick threatened him before. The last vestiges of hope he had died away. There was nothing left. “I won’t argue it, and I won’t make a fuss.” He whispered.
“Then take the shattered look off your face and lets go get this shit started. Put the act up, Bri. You’re good at that.” With that, Nick was heading out the door.
On unsteady feet, Brian followed after him.
But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving
and who do I think I am kidding
When I'm the only one locked in this cell?
How he made it through the meeting or the interview later, Brian didn’t know. He put on his game face, and smiled with the rest of them. Spoke in a relatively calm voice. But in the back of his mind he was screaming. Snatches of their conversation played over and over in his mind. He had smothered him. Forced him to be at home when he wanted to go out. But it hadn’t been because he was too clingy! He just didn’t feel the need to party. He was content to stay at home with the one he loved. At least, that was how he had seen it. Each time Nick chose a party over him, it had hurt.
Apparently Nick hadn’t felt that way. He still wanted to go and dance and drink. If only he’d let him go without such a fuss, they wouldn’t be where they were. He had ruined everything, all by himself. This was all his fault. In that place deep inside, Brian cried, and he hated himself. Hated what he had done.
He’d avoided AJ so far. It had been tricky, but he’d managed. There was a look in AJ’s eyes that said he knew the meeting between Brian and Nick hadn’t gone well, and that he wasn’t pleased. But Brian couldn’t bring himself to talk to him. He had already ruined his friendship with AJ once. Now he’d ruined a friendship and a relationship with Nick. How many more times was he going to alienate those around him?
Somehow he managed to get to his room before anyone could waylay him in the hotel. He’d gone in, not bothering to lock the door. Who would come after him? He’d pushed them all away. Messed up everything. They would all hate him now. He was so lost in that ocean of pain and grief that he wasn’t thinking clearly. If he had been, he would’ve locked the door. But he hadn’t, and not even five minutes after he came in, AJ burst through the door, fury mobilized.
“What the fuck did he do to you?” AJ demanded after he slammed the door. “What the fuck did that little son of a bitch say to you?”
“It’s nothing, AJ.” Brian mumbled. He wouldn’t bring AJ any further into this. It had been a mistake to call him from the first. This was a prison he had made for himself. There was no need to bring anyone else into it.
“Bullshit! You look like you’d splinter into a thousand pieces if someone touched you right now!”
“It’s my fault, AJ.” Brian heard himself speaking the words, and couldn’t stop them. He had to say them. Yet again he was proving Nick right. No matter what it would do to their friendship, Brian had to say these things. Had to say them out loud. “He showed me what I did, how I ruined us.”
“What?”
“I smothered him, you know. Never letting him go out and do things. Go out and be his own person. I was always nagging him to be at home with me. Making him feel bad if he didn’t do it. Making him out to be the bad guy just because I’m whiney and clingy. I brought this on myself. I pushed him away, just like I did you.”
Silence filled the hotel room for a moment. Brian dared to lift his watery eyes to look at AJ’s face. There was shock painted there. “Like you did with me?” AJ asked him. That raspy voice was low and soft, almost too soft to hear. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“When you came back from treatment you didn’t want anything to do with me. I fucked up with you just like I did with Nick. I know you hated me when you came home. Because I smothered you and used you without thinking of what you…”
The words were cut off when AJ launched across the room. Fury was in his eyes now, freezing Brian’s voice in his throat. Then AJ grabbed his shirt and him forward until their faces were inches apart. In the grip of those burning eyes Brian was frozen.
“You idiot!” AJ hissed at him. “You think I hate you? You think that you pushed me away? God damn it, Brian. I pulled away from you because I realized at treatment that I was in love with you, and when I got home you were dating Nick and you were off limits! I pulled back so I wouldn’t mess with your relationship! I never hated you! I love you, you blind little fool!”
What? Love? AJ was in love with him? He didn’t know what to say. What to do. That thought had never even entered his mind. At one point in time, maybe he had entertained the idea of being with AJ. But that had been a scary ground, one that he hadn’t known how to step on. With Nick it had been as easy as breathing. There was no effort to it. He’d just slid from the role of friend to the role of lover.
AJ sighed and released his hold on Brian’s shirt. His hands were gentle now as they framed Brian’s face. “You are not clingy, Brian. You do not smother people. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to want to spend time with you. To be with you, instead of hitting the clubs.”
“But that’s what he wanted to do. I should have respected that.”
“He should have loved you enough to want to be with you.” AJ countered gently. “If he loved you, he would have willingly stayed home with you. Nothing would have been more exciting than the idea of spending the night in your arms. Of talking and laughing and watching movies with you. Everything else would have paled in comparison.”
AJ’s words were almost like a life preserver in that ocean of pain. Something to hold on to, and cling to with hope. But he oculdn’t quite bring himself to believe it. That hope felt like an illusion. One that he was afraid would disappear if he reached for it. “But I love him. Shouldn’t I have wanted to make him happy too? Instead I was selfish.”
“Brian Thomas Littrell, you are the least selfish person I know. It’s not selfish to want someone to love you and want to be with you. That’s human nature. What you two have, that wasn’t love.”
That had Brian stepping back. AJ was going to stand here and tell him that he hadn’t loved Nick? Who the hell did he think he was to say that? He had no idea what he was talking about! “Of course I love him!”
But AJ just shook his head. “You loved the illusion. It was always Frick and Frack, best friends. You two were put together from day one. When everyone found out you guys were gay, it was assumed you two would one day end up together by everybody except me. You guys didn’t start to date because you were madly in love. You two did it because it’s what everyone expected of you. People started to pair you together, so you were.”
The words had the ring of truth to them. That alone had Brian starting to panic again. He felt like he was drowning underneath this. Sweet God, was it true? Had that really been the reason they’d become a couple? Peer pressure? Expectations? If that was true, they’d shorted each other so much. If it was true, than he was more spineless than he had thought. “What kind of idiot am I?” he wondered brokenly.
AJ’s arms came around him, as they had so many times recently. They were the anchor that held Brian steady as his world tipped onto its head.
“Not an idiot, honey. Just a little lost. But you’ll find yourself again, I promise that. I’ll be here for you, no expectations. I don’t want you to think you have to return my feelings.”
“I don’t know if I can right now.” Brian admitted against AJ’s shoulder. The tears in his eyes were threatening to flood over. AJ’s hand was rubbing soothingly up and down his back.
“I know, baby. I’ll be your friend. I’ll be whatever you need me to be for you. But I won’t leave you again. I won’t hurt you that way. You can count on me, Brian. Just remember that. No matter what you feel, or what happens, you won’t lose me again. I’m here for the long haul. Together we’ll figure this thing out, and we’ll help you start to heal.”
Wrapped tight in AJ’s arms, Brian thought that maybe he was getting a good start at that right now.