Shock was the only emotion Brian could feel. He stared at the door that had just shut, his mind unable to process everything. What had he just done? What was he thinking, to say it was his house? That had just been his temper talking. It wasn’t his house; it was theirs. He looked down at the keys on the ground. Carefully he bent, picking them up. The feel of them in his hand woke his brain up. He made to take that last step off the stairs, but his dad’s hand was still on his arm, holding him there.
“Let him go, son. He’ll calm down and be back.” Harold said softly.
Brian shook his head. They didn’t know AJ, not like he did. He’d hurt him. Hurt and pride would demand AJ keep walking; that he not look back. He couldn’t let him do that. AJ’s words rang in his mind. ‘I’m done.’ Oh God, what had he done! Brian jerked his arm from his dad’s grip and suddenly he was shooting forward, yanking the door open. He barely noticed the rain. His mind was focused only on finding AJ.
Wildly he looked around, trying to see through the sheets of rain that were pouring down. Then he saw him, just barely. Already part of the way down their driveway. “AJ!” he shouted, taking off after him. AJ never turned; never stopped walking. Brian had to run to catch up with him, but he finally did. He grabbed a hold of AJ’s arm to stop him.
AJ yanked his arm to get it free, but Brian had a tight grip on it. Another tug pulled him free, though. Pausing, Brian braced his hands on his thighs to catch his breath. He was back in shape from his surgery, mostly, but the panic and the run combined had him winded and slightly lightheaded. He sucked in a few deep breaths in an effort to calm his racing.
Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, and that voice he so loved right by his ear. “Are you ok?”
“Fine.” Brian managed to get out. His heart was already slowing down. “Don’t go.” It was the two most important words he could say. Nothing else mattered. Not his heartbeat, not the rain that had them soaked to the skin. None of it. He poured everything he felt into those words. “Don’t leave me.”
AJ’s hand left his shoulder when he stood up straight to look at him. Brian could see the indecision on AJ’s face battling with his anger and his hurt and his pride. “I can’t go back in there. No, I refuse to go back in there.”
“Please, don’t leave.” Brian reached a hand out. For the first time in their entire relationship AJ didn’t reach back to him. In fact, he stepped back. It was like a knife in the gut. “Please, AJ, that wasn’t what I meant to say. I love you. I’m so sorry!”
But AJ was shaking his head. “I’ve put up with too much this week. I bit my tongue until I thought it would fall off. But this…this is the last straw. You’re too blind to see what he’s doing to us, and I can’t stay there and let him. If I stayed there, everything we have would be lost.”
“But we’re losing it now with you leaving me! Please, AJ, come inside and talk to me. We can work this out, I know we can.”
For a second it looked like AJ was hesitating and Brian couldn’t help but feel hopeful. But that hope was dashed. Even through the rain he could see AJ’s face firm before he even shook his head. Everything in Brian shattered. AJ’s words only cemented it. “If I go in there, I’ll end up fighting with your dad, and it’s obvious that you’re not ready to see the truth yet. You only see what he wants you to see. Until you can get past that to what’s really there, I can’t be here. Otherwise this is just going to keep going on, and in the end, we’ll hate one another. I won’t let that happen.”
Oh so gently AJ stepped forward, one hand coming up to cup Brian’s cheek. Tears coursed from Brian’s eyes, running in rivers down his cheeks, blending with the rain and blurring his vision. He closed his eyes against the pain of it. Then AJ was bending forward, their foreheads touching together in the old way, their privet touch that always spoke volumes between them. AJ’s lips touched his briefly. “I love you, Brian.”
Then AJ was gone. Brian stood there, eyes closed, as the one person he loved more than anything in the world walked away from him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tears burned AJ’s eyes and his throat. With the rain that was falling he didn’t worry about letting the tears loose. Not that there was anyone there to see. He was still walking, out on the main road now. Where he was going he had no idea. But he had his wallet in his back pocket, so money wouldn’t be an issue. All he knew was that he needed to get away from there.
It hurt so much. More than anyone could begin to comprehend. It was as if he was leaving behind his heart and soul. How could he go on moving, go on breathing, when his whole world was crumbling? Harold was getting exactly what he wanted. That made this all the harder. In doing this he was letting Harold win. That went against the grain, but the consequences of staying would be worse.
If he stayed, he would just get angrier and angrier. Eventually he’d come to resent Brian for putting him in that position. There’d be fights. This one was proof of that. How could he go back to that house, knowing what would happen? Knowing that, if he did, there was a chance that he and Brian could grow to hate one another? This way was better. Either Brian would see the truth, and they would fix things, or they’d let one another go. If that was the case, then this clean break was better than the fights that would happen if he’d stayed there.
Still, it hurt. Oh, God, it hurt so much. AJ wrapped his arms around his waist against the pain of it. He had never thought anything could hurt this much and yet leave him feeling so hollow.
A horn honked behind him. AJ ignored it and continued to walk. The horn came again, more insistent this time. A second later someone was shouting his name. Recognizing Howie’s voice, AJ turned to look. Sure enough there was Howie, driving his rental car slowly alongside him. “Get in the car!” Howie shouted through his partially rolled down window.
What did it matter? AJ turned to go around the car and climb into the passenger seat. He shut the door and put his seatbelt on before drawing his legs up, wrapping his arms around them. Howie drove again, saying nothing to AJ. He just let his friend curl up, burying his face in his knees. “Don’t take me back.” AJ managed to rasp out. “Take me to a hotel.”
“Sure thing, Age.”
Ten minutes later the car was parking. Howie didn’t touch him, but said softly “Stay here, I’ll go check you in.”
AJ didn’t bother answering. He kept his face hidden, not wanting it to show, the tears he was still crying. He tried to shut his brain down so that he wouldn’t have to think. Wouldn’t have to feel. Why did it hurt so much to do what he thought was right?
There was no sense of time passing, but Howie was back, helping him from the car and leading him into the hotel. AJ moved without thought, trusting to Howie to get him to his room. Even in there AJ couldn’t make himself do anything. He barely paid attention when Howie stripped him out of his wet clothes and handed him a towel. AJ came back enough to dry himself off and to pull on the sweats that Howie handed him from a bag, but then he just looked around. What was he supposed to do now?
He felt lost. How much Brian had become a part of his life! Without him, AJ was lost. He lifted his hand, looking at the ring tattooed there. They had got them as symbols of their love. Their commitment to honor, love, and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. Yet here he was. Alone.
With a low, keening sound, AJ doubled over, his arms wrapping around his waist. He felt Howie catch him, but he didn’t care. Pain broke over him like a tidal wave. God. Oh, God. He rocked on his knees as his heart shattered into thousands of pieces.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The rain was still coming down. Brian watched it as sheet after sheet fell. He sat on the back porch in the clean dry clothes he’d thrown on, on the same step that AJ always sat on to smoke. Nina was curled up against his back, still letting out the occasional whine. She couldn’t understand where her other master had gone. A part of Brian wanted to whine with her, but he was numb.
Behind him there was the sound of the glass door sliding open and closed again. Footsteps crossed the porch. Even before he sat down, Brian recognized the person as Nick. A warm cup of coffee was held in front of Brian. He stared at it, not comprehending.
“Drink this, Bri. You need to warm back up a bit.”
It made sense. Brian reached to take it before he remembered what was in his hands. He opened them, staring at the pack of cigarettes and the lighter. “He forgot these.” Brian felt his eyes water and furiously blinked it away. “He’s gonna be going crazy without a smoke.”
“Howie will get him some.” Nick reassured him softly. “Here, let me hold them. You take the cup and drink so you’ll get warm.”
With wooden gestures, Brian handed over the smokes and took the cup. He sipped off of it. It tasted like ashes on his tongue. “What am I going to do, Nick?” There was a pleading note to his voice. He needed someone to help him make sense of this. He was so lost! “I don’t know what’s going on. I thought things were getting better. I thought he and dad were getting along.”
Brian closed his eyes as the tears continued to pour down his cheeks. “He said if he stayed he’d start to resent me. For what? How am I being blind? What’s going on that I don’t see?”
“You really can’t see it, Brian?”
Nick’s question threw him off guard. He turned to look at the young man who had always been his best friend. To his surprise there was annoyance mixed in with the concern in Nick’s bright eyes. “What’re you talking about?” he asked.
“Come on, Bri. You can’t be serious?” Nick stared at him. His expression slowly turned to one of shock. “Oh my God. You’re serious. You really have no idea. He’s right, Bri. You’re blind.”
“What’re you talking about?” Brian asked again. Everything was so confusing.
“Haven’t you seen the way your Dad’s been acting all week to AJ? The way he’s been pushing him away from everything? Hell, Bri, he’s got you changing shit you and AJ have had planned since you guys first came out here! All of it without AJ’s input, either. Are you really saying you didn’t notice it? What about all the landscaping shit?”
“I didn’t agree to any changes.” Brian explained slowly. “I listened to what Dad said, but I told him what AJ and I wanted to do. But I haven’t changed anything.”
Nick’s expression was one of disbelief. “What about the table? The ones you and J have been looking at?”
That feeling of confusion was growing more and more in Brian. It was almost enough to chase the pain away, at least for the moment. “What about them?”
“Well, your dad said he was building you guys a table. He had AJ go get the wood today…”
“Build one? What’re you talking about?” What the hell was going on here? Brian didn’t understand any of this. What wood? What table? Who was changing things? He had no idea what Nick was talking about. Hell, what AJ was talking about either. None of this was making sense? “What the hell are you talking about, Nick?”
A closed expression came over Nick’s face. He looked out at the yard for a few minutes before looking back at Brian. “I think you should sit here and think, Frick. Drink your coffee and think about what I said, and about what Age said. Think about it all. Then, go talk to your dad. Really talk to him. If you’re still confused after that, come to me. But first, this should really go between you and your dad.”
“Nick…”
“No, Bri. I see why AJ left. You need to figure this out on your own or it won’t mean anything. Use that brain you have in there, it’s a pretty smart one.” With that strange remark Nick stood back up and went into the house.
Brian turned to stare at the rain again. What the hell was going on around here? There was something up, and he was determined to find it. Whatever it took to get his baby back. Slowly and carefully he replayed everything that AJ had said, as well as what Nick had said. A pattern was emerging, and it was one he wasn’t sure he liked. He lost track of time, sipping at his coffee and thinking. His mind went back over the past week, concentrating on interactions between his dad and AJ. What he saw, what was becoming clear, had his anger slowly starting to build. If he was right, if they were all right, then Harold had a lot of explaining to do.