The rest of the day was spent with police coming in and out, taking their statements again and again, and asking last minute questions. There was also the other band members wanted to make sure the two were ok. By the time evening rolled around, Brian was annoyed enough with them all that he finally almost bellowed them all out of the room. The only thing that kept his voice down was the man curled up against his side, half asleep.
They’d sat on the couch together, Brian’s sore arm propped up on a pillow on the arm of the couch to ease the pressure and ache in it as much as possible. He’d wrapped his other arm around AJ, who had curled against him just like a child. His legs were overtop Brian’s thigh, feet dangling down between Brian’s knees; one arm was squished between him and the couch, while the other was draped over Brian’s stomach.
No one had really bothered to ask AJ much. He didn’t volunteer much either. He kept his face buried against Brian’s shoulder and neck and for the most part ignored anyone who came near them. Once he spoke up when he felt Brian wince. Never moving his head or opening his eyes, AJ interrupted Kevin in the middle of his sentence to say “Howie, would you get a glass of water, and order up some food from room service?” Then, quieter, to Brian “You need to take your pill and eat something.”
The second time he spoke up was when someone tried to tell him to go lay down for a while and relax. His eyes were sharp suddenly and they slashed across them all in surprising anger. “Last I checked I wasn’t the one that was shot today.” He reminded them all in a low, raspy voice. “I’ll stay by him till he’s ready for bed.”
No one else knew how big a deal it was for AJ to have that sign of temper. The others looked uncomfortable by it. Brian practically glowed. It was a positive sign in his eyes. AJ hadn’t displayed much temper at all in such a long time. To see it come out there, against three other males, even if those males were his band mates. That, well, it was fantastic.
But finally Brian had enough. He was tired of answering questions. Tired of analyzing every movement of the entire day. He was just tired, period. The pain pill he’d taken kept the pain at bay enough that it was mostly a nuisance but not a serious throbbing as it had been.
When the door shut behind the last person, Brian sagged into the cushions slightly. “Thank God.” He mumbled.
“Amen to that.” AJ echoed, surprising Brian.
Smiling, Brian looked down, catching AJ’s gaze. There was still some pain in those chocolate eyes, but it was mostly overshadowed by love.
Yet again AJ surprised him when he tipped his head up, kissing Brian so very lightly. When he pulled back, both of them were smiling. “Let’s go lie down.” AJ suggested softly. The idea sounded like a good one, so Brian rose with him and they moved back to their room. After making a stop to do the evening essentials of teeth brushing and using the facilities, the two men shut off all lights but the bedside lamp and climbed in to bed.
As was the norm AJ curled against Brian. Tonight, though, he propped his head up on his hand, his elbow braced on the bed. There was something in his eyes that had Brian lying perfectly still. What it was, he couldn’t have said, but it demanded his full attention.
AJ’s free hand came up, the knuckles of it running over Brian’s cheek. Brian didn’t know what to do or what to say. This was more like the old AJ, the one who wasn’t afraid of touching. The one who had been brimming with life and vitality and practically oozed sensuality. The quality in AJ’s eyes and the gentle touch of AJ’s hand had Brian’s mind almost shutting down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something inside of AJ felt alive in a way that he hadn’t in so long. He almost hadn’t recognized the feeling, as it had been so long. But he stared down into Brian’s eyes, stroking his knuckles across that beautiful face, and it flared to life in him. Not the all-consuming blaze that it had been, once upon a time. But a nice low warmth wrapped in love and tenderness. It was desire.
He didn’t speak, for fear of ruining the moment. This was too new, too important. He had never thought he’d feel it again, and was terrified that the wrong thing would make it go away. So he stared at Brian and let the feeling build. He moved his eyes over the bare skin of Brian’s neck, his chest, to the bandage on his arm.
AJ moved his hand to the bandage, not touching it really, but touching the skin softly below it. Without intending to, he spoke his thoughts aloud. “You took a bullet meant for me.” He whispered. Brian didn’t respond; there was nothing that he could say. He just continued to watch AJ with those liquid blue eyes so full of patience and love. He didn’t try to take control of the situation. Instead he allowed AJ the freedom to explore this feeling again, and to be in control.
Bending down, AJ laid a gentle kiss overtop the bandage. Then on the skin above it. Soft as air, he made a trail of kisses along Brian’s skin. Over his shoulder and up the side of his neck. Everywhere his lips touched, chills ran over Brian’s skin. When he finally reached the warmth of Brian’s mouth, his love kissed him back just as tenderly as AJ had been kissing his skin.
The warmth in AJ’s stomach spread, filling him. He reveled in it, and in Brian’s kiss. He pulled back, his breathing a little heavier. “I want to be with you, Brian.” His words surprised him, but he could see that they surprised Brian even more. Yet, AJ had to be as honest as possible. “I don’t know if it’ll work. I might still, well, get scared.”
“If you really want to try, Alex, we can.” Brian said slowly. His voice held an infinite amount of love. “All you’ll have to do is say the word, and I promise you, I’ll stop.”
When AJ shifted back onto the bed a little, Brian propped himself up as well, so that they were on their sides, face to face. Color flooded AJ’s cheeks and he found himself picking at the bed, eyes averted as he spoke his fears. “It’s not just the fear that might kick in. I mean, that’s a big part, and that’s a possibility. But I, uh, I don’t know if I’ll be able to, well…I mean, since then, I haven’t even, on my own…” frustrated, he trailed off.
“Are you afraid your body won’t respond, Alex?”
Leave it to Brian to ask so bluntly and yet still manage to sound sweet. There was no censure in his voice, no trace of mockery. AJ had been terrified that Brian would laugh at him. A stupid fear, he knew. Brian never laughed at him for things. But, he hadn’t been able to help it. “A little.” He admitted, still picking at the bed and staring at his fingers. “I tried, on my own, and nothing happened.”
“If it doesn’t, than it’s not the right time. We’ll just stop and try again another time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, baby.”
“I feel like it is. Did they take this from me too?”
Brian’s free hand, the one on his injured arm, came down and covered AJ’s lightly. “Until you’re mentally ready, your body isn’t going to let you do something that your brain is scared of. If you feel that you’re ready, in your heart and in your mind, we’ll try this. If you’re ready, I have every faith that it’ll work. But you don’t have to be ready yet. I don’t mind waiting for you.”
AJ chuckled weakly. Who had ever thought there would be a day that he would be nervous and scared in the bedroom? But this was Brian with him. He knew that Brian meant every word he said. If AJ wanted to stop, they would stop. This would all be on his terms. “I want to.” There was one last thing he knew he needed to admit to, though. One thing he needed to ask his lover. “I just, I want to ask you something. I just don’t want you to think…oh, never mind. Forget it.”
The hand over AJ’s tightened briefly in support. “Ask me, AJ. Don’t ever be afraid to ask me anything, especially where this is concerned.”
Still, it took him another few minutes to put his thoughts in order. AJ felt the blush climb into his face. He closed his eyes, his hand taking hold of the sheet in a tight grip. “If we’re going to do this, I need to know I really can. Like, all the way. I…I don’t want to end up being the…giver.” Why oh why couldn’t he just say what he wanted to? Why couldn’t he get back that part of himself that had never shied away from sexual words or conversations? Here, where it was the more important than it had ever been, he couldn’t seem to say what he wanted to.
Yet again, Brian understood him and came to the rescue. “Do you mean that, since you were raped, you want to make sure that it’s not just sex you can do, but you need to know if you can handle having someone inside of you?”
Oh God. His flush spread from his cheeks to his whole face. He swore even the back of his neck heated a little. It was all he could do to nod.
“So basically,” Brian was continuing. “what you need tonight is a seduction.”
Why oh why was this so difficult? AJ didn’t know what he needed. All he knew was the desire he felt, and the urge to try. From there, it was like walking in a maze in the dark. He felt like a virgin all over again who had no idea where to put his hands, or what to say, or what to do. Maybe he’d been wrong to suggest this. Maybe Brian was laying there thinking that this was just too much to deal with. Maybe he was going to chase him away, all because he didn’t know what to do inside the bedroom. Oh God, oh God.
AJ suddenly jumped when he felt Brian’s lips connect with his. The kiss was full of everything that Brian was feeling. It sent AJ’s brain for a loop, losing him in the sensation. He tried to push all his fears out of the way and focus only on Brian. That wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be. He was so lost in the kiss that he didn’t even notice at first that Brian had laid him back on the bed.
Propped up on his good arm, Brian put his other hand against AJ’s hip, lightly tracing the skin there. Just a slow back and forth movement. The first touch made AJ jump, but the continuous movement easily soothed him back down.
“Just lie back, and try to enjoy yourself.” Brian moved to whisper against his ear. “If you don’t like something, don’t be shy about telling me. I want to make this experience as wonderful for you as possible.” To punctuate those words, he bit lightly on AJ’s earlobe, and then moved to nibble on his neck. Words were impossible. AJ was having a hard time thinking beyond the feelings Brian was triggering in him. Feelings he had never thought he would ever have again.
Brian moved his mouth to that spot between his neck and his collarbone, and AJ gasped slightly. It made Brian chuckle against his skin and do it again. The hand that had been stroking his hip was slowly making longer and longer strokes, until those warm fingers brushed against AJ’s nipple. He didn’t pinch or pull, but just rolled it under his thumb, teasing it to a peak.
Small thoughts and worries tried to worm their way in, but AJ pushed them away. This was Brian. Brian’s lips against his collarbone now; Brian’s hand moving over the skin on his stomach now, over his hip and up his side. Sensation after sensation rolled through AJ’s body until he trembled with the strength of them. It was heaven. It was bliss.
That roaming hand slid down again, teasing at the edge of AJ’s boxers, even as Brian’s lips came back up to his ear again. “I don’t think you have to worry about your body.” Brian whispered, licking the shell of AJ’s ear. It took AJ a second to focus on what Brian meant. Then he felt Brian’s hand drop even lower, brushing against him. God, he’d been so lost under Brian’s touches and kisses that he’d been oblivious to his body’s response.
AJ gasped when Brian’s hand slid under his boxers and took hold of him. His hips almost launched up off the bed. Brian leaned over and kissed him, swallowing his moan as he moved his hand, just barely pulling up and sliding back down. AJ almost sobbed into their kiss as lights exploded behind his eyes. He brought one hand up, cupping the back of Brian’s head, deepening their kiss.
He forgot all about his fears. He forgot about everything except for this man in bed with him. There was no room in his mind for anything else. Pleasure built in him; the low fire was growing and building so that every inch of his body felt consumed by it.
Brian bit at AJ’s bottom lip, sucking it in, just as his hand let go. Before AJ could even think to protest, Brian’s hand was at his boxers, pulling them down. The fear clamored back in, making him freeze. Feeling that, Brian froze as well, pulling his lips back just a hair. “I just want to see you.” He whispered, looking into AJ’s eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Alex. I want to be able to look at you. That’s all.”
AJ bit his lip, but nodded. Their eyes stayed locked together, their lips stayed that inch apart, as Brian slowly pulled the boxers down. When they were low enough, AJ forced his legs to move, to help kick them off until he was lying naked in their bed. Small tremors ran through him. Brian had seen him naked since the attack, but AJ had never been coherent for those moments. It had only been long enough to take AJ out of his clothes, and put him into something for bed. This was deliberate. He was lying here with the sole intent of letting another’s eyes look at him.
Would Brian turn away from what he saw? Would he be disgusted with the scars that AJ carried, both internally and externally? Most of those physical scars were self-inflicted.
Sensing the importance in this, Brian didn’t rush his way through this. He started with AJ’s eyes and very slowly moved his gaze downward. His eyes took in every inch of bared skin. Every freckle, every scar; all of it. He felt his eyes tear at the sight of the scars on AJ’s stomach and chest, as well as the ones on his legs. It didn’t pass by Brian’s notice that AJ had lost some of his erection. This was a very important moment for him. It was made even more obvious by the trembles that were shaking AJ’s small frame.
Once Brian’s gaze had gone down and come back up, their eyes locked together again. “You are so beautiful, Alex.”
Those five words were full of such honesty and passion that AJ couldn’t doubt them. He didn’t feel that he deserved them, though. “My…my scars.” He stammered out. But Brian’s lips were curving even as he gave AJ a light kiss. “They’re just a part of you, Alex, that’s all. I love you. To me, every inch of you is beautiful. I wouldn’t have you any other way.” Then Brian kissed him again, and set about showing AJ exactly how beautiful he thought he was.
In no time at all AJ was lost again, his body riding that wave of pleasure. His muscles still quivered, but this time out of passion, not fear. One of his hands fisted in the blankets while the other again cupped the back of Brian’s head, playing with the curls there while Brian’s lips and tongue drove him crazy, tasting every inch of his mouth. Brian’s hand was running over the skin on his pelvis, his thighs. AJ’s legs slid open without him realizing it; his hips moved as he begged for the one touch he wanted more than anything.
It wasn’t until Brian’s hand slid lower than ever that AJ started to tense again. He broke their kiss to look at Brian. He knew his eyes were wide. Knew that his breath was hitching slightly. But he didn’t say a word to stop him as Brian’s hand continued to go lower. AJ just stared into Brian’s eyes and reminded himself that this was Brian with him. Brian would never hurt him. Brian loved him. It gave him enough control to relax.
Then Brian did the last thing AJ expected. With that one hand resting so close, he held it still, laying it on the bed. Without warning, he slid down AJ’s body. Confused, AJ followed him with his eyes. In a normal frame of mind, in a time long ago, he would have instantly recognized what Brian was going to do. Now, he didn’t realize it until Brian’s warm mouth closed over his tip. AJ forgot all about the hand that was barely touching his ass.
Oh God. Everything in AJ’s world vanished except for the wet warmth that was taking him further and further in. Jesus. Never, in all his years, could he remember something that felt so good. His hands fisted into the bedspread and his legs fell further open even as his hips bowed up. At first he didn’t even notice Brian’s hand moving again, but then the tip of that finger was pushing in. Half of AJ wanted to tense. The other half moaned out loud when Brian sucked him in the rest of the way.
His lover kept the two motions timed together. Each time Brian moved his finger and AJ would try to tense, he would suck at him again, or bob his head, or run his warm tongue over and around him. The finger inside of AJ started to move, and soon the two motions were timed together. Fear slowly left AJ, overwhelmed by passion. His moans grew louder and his brain started to haze over. “Oh, God.” He moaned out. It had been so long for him. His body was craving release. Higher and higher AJ climbed until, with a final strong pull from Brian’s mouth, he couldn’t hold on anymore.
A sound that was half moan, half scream tore past AJ’s lips and his whole body bowed up. Brian never moved. He just relaxed his throat, swallowing it all down, until AJ collapsed against the bed.
Brian looked up at AJ’s face as he let his lovers spent cock fall from his mouth. He had deliberately brought AJ to orgasm, wanting to remind him that pleasure still existed, as well as loosen him up enough to relax. But that meant that it was time for the second half of his plan. He shed his boxers while AJ was still panting on the bed, and then moved his body up, letting their skin brush against one another.
He felt it when AJ tensed underneath him. Brian’s face was over his, and his cock was pressed against AJ’s entrance. He didn’t slam his legs closed. Instead, every part of him went perfectly still. For a second Brian thought that AJ even stopped breathing for a second. Their eyes locked together again. “I’ll stop any time you want, Alex.” Brian reminded him, voice thick and accent heavy with his own passion. But he wanted this to be good for AJ. To be special.
AJ looked up at his lover and knew, without a doubt, that he had to try. If he didn’t try now, he was terrified that he never would. He had to prove that he was stronger. That he could survive these demons. This was the biggest, most important step he was going to take on his road to recovery. “Don’t stop.” He whispered.
Slowly, carefully, Brian started to push in. It took everything AJ had not to clench himself. His brain screamed at him to stop the intrusion. With all the willpower he had, AJ kept his body as relaxed as possible. Brian moved slow enough that the discomfort wasn’t overpowering. AJ couldn’t help comparing this moment to the one that haunted him. Then, it had been a sharp tearing pain, as if he was going to be split in two. This was more a…fullness. As if Brian both filled and surrounded him.
When Brian was deep inside of him, AJ slowly relaxed his breathing. That hadn’t been so bad. There was an ache, but it wasn’t too much. He could do this. He would do this. “Kiss me, Bri.” He asked him quietly. “Kiss me, and make me forget again. Make me crazy. Kiss me.”
Brian didn’t waste time with words. He bent his head and gave AJ another of those soul wrenching, mind blowing kisses that he was coming to love. But still he held his hips still, even though AJ could feel the quivers in Brian’s body that told the effort it took to do this. He flet his heart overflow with the knowledge that Brian was leaving it up to him when they would move, or if they would. He had really meant what he had said. He would stop if AJ asked him to.
That gave AJ the strength to move his hips. He gasped at the sensations it brought. He moved again, experimenting with the way it felt. When Brian started to move with him, AJ could have sworn his world was trembling.
Passion took place of the fear yet again. AJ knew he could do this. He gave himself over to it, his arms coming up to wrap around Brian’s neck. As a test, he rolled his body, his hips, and found that it made the both of them gasp. So he did it again, and again.
Together, the two climbed higher and higher to that one peak that all lovers seek. They basked in the light and glory of shared love. The light of healing. When at last, the very world seemed to splinter and explode around them, they collapsed together, clinging tightly to one another while their bodies shuddered and bucked and their souls joined as one.
~~~~~~~~~~
Brian lay on his back, just having finished cleaning the both of them. In his customary place against Brian’s side, AJ was curled up. They lay together, their heartbeats still slowing. Absently Brian was stroking the skin along AJ’s back. It had been everything he had wanted it to be, and so much more. What they had shared together had been beautiful. Beyond beautiful.
Something wet touched Brian’s chest. He looked down at his lovers head. “Baby, are you crying?” he asked. A sniffle and a nod were his answer. “I didn’t…Alex, I didn’t hurt you?”
“No!” AJ cried out, tipping his head up and wiping away his tears. Love lit his face. For the first time in months, AJ looked at Brian without a single shadow in his eyes. “No, I’m not hurt. I just…it was beautiful, Bri. I don’t…I guess I mean, I didn’t think it could, you know.”
“I never knew it was that beautiful either, J.” Brian whispered, smiling now that he knew what was going on. “It never has been for me before. Only here, only with you.”
“I feel like I found a part of me tonight, Brian. Like a part of me had been missing for a long time, and I found it here.” AJ smiled a shaky smile. “I can’t say I’m healed now, but I feel more like me. That was the most powerful experience I’ve ever been through. You are the kindest, gentlest lover, and the sweetest person I have ever known. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. But, you’ve saved me, Brian.”
“You saved yourself, Alex. I just helped point you in the right direction.”
The two men snuggled back together, content to be with one another. There was nothing more that they needed in their life right then. AJ was right. He wasn’t totally healed yet, but a big part of him had healed that night. With his kind words and his gentle ways, Brian had not only climbed into his heart, but he had healed some of the hurt there, and soothed away the pain. Because of Brian, AJ felt that he had his sanity back. He was almost complete again. No, he wasn’t healed, but he was going to be. With this man by his side, he could do anything.
THE END