It was almost morning when AJ finally gave up on sleep. What little sleep he’d got had been broken. He’d managed a few hours, total, thanks to the tranquilizer that Brian had given him and the benefit of Brian’s arms holding him tight. But nothing was strong enough to chase away the fear or the nightmares.
Brian didn’t sleep any better than he did. Each time that AJ woke, struggling to calm himself, Brian was there to quietly help talk him back down, or sing to him. He would help chase the demons away, and then soothe AJ until he could try to go back to sleep again. No matter what he was there for him, never once leaving. AJ appreciated that more than he could express with words.
Somewhere in the nightmares and the panic and everything, AJ came to some startling conclusions about his life. Now, in the light of day, he found his belief in those conclusions even stronger. He looked at Brian’s sweet face, finally sleeping, and very gently extracted himself from the bed. As silently as possible he moved out of the bedroom. A smile curved AJ’s lips when he saw his cigarettes and robe sitting near the patio door. God bless Brian. There wasn’t anyone, anywhere, who was more thoughtful or loving, or who knew him better.
AJ slipped the robe on, picked up the smokes, and stepped onto the patio. Once he had one lit, he sighed. It helped him start to relax muscles gone stiff from tension and broken sleep.
It didn’t really surprise him when, halfway through his cigarette, Brian stepped onto the patio with him, wrapped in his own robe. “You shouldn’t be out here on your own.” Brian mumbled, smiling despite the censure in his words. AJ couldn’t resist smiling in return. “I know.”
He reached an arm out, resting his hand on Brian’s hip so that he could bring him close. He watched the surprise on Brian’s face followed quickly by a simple joy. AJ focused on that joy, letting it chase away some of his own darkness. It was even easier to do as Brian slid an arm around his waist in return, and rested his head against AJ’s shoulder. “You seem more peaceful than I thought to find you.” Brian said quietly.
AJ took a drag, holding his head and his smoke above Brian’s head, trying to keep it away from his face. “I thought a lot last night when I couldn’t sleep.” He admitted as he flicked his ash away. For a minute he thought, trying to find a way to put his ideas into words. “It’s a sobering thing, to look at yourself and realize that a lot of what you’re becoming is of your own making.”
He felt Brian startle slightly, but his love didn’t speak. That gave AJ the courage to continue. No matter what, Brian was always a good listener. Even when no one else did, Brian always seemed to understand what AJ was saying, even if it didn’t always come out clearly.
“I’m not saying that the…attack…was my fault. I think that you and Jessica really helped me see that I didn’t ask for it. Sometimes I have to remind myself, but I’m trying to remember. What I meant was more the way I’m living my life now. The fear, and the panic. I get so focused on the past, and on all the bad stuff. I let myself loop on it. Sometimes I can’t control it, and I’ll admit that. But other times I think that I could, if I tried really hard. I don’t like living afraid, Bri.”
AJ moved to stub out his cigarette, waving the smoke away before he turned to take Brian’s hands in his. “I don’t want to wake up every day and be scared. To go to sleep each night and be afraid. I don’t want the time I have with you to always be full of fear. Seeing that note on my door…” here he had to pause and take a deep breath, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “I guess it was a wakeup call even as it terrified me.”
The lump in AJ’s throat grew enough that he had to take another minute to clear it away. He looked into Brian’s beautiful blue eyes and saw only love reflected back at him. Even through all of this, there was only love there.
“I love you, Brian. Saying those three words scares me at the same time that it thrills me. Somehow you got in my heart, and made a place there. You’ve become so much a part of my life that I don’t know what I’d do without you in it. You’ve been my saving grace, my salvation, my peace of mind, and the other part of me. When you’re gone I feel like something’s missing. When I’m around you I feel complete. I feel like I can do anything, be anything, so long as you’re there with me.”
Tears swam in Brian’s eyes, but still he didn’t speak. They stared at one another as AJ continued.
“I realized last night that I’d never told you this. If something happens to me, well, I didn’t want to realize that I’d never told you how I felt. I want you to know how I feel about you, and what you’ve done for me. You’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life, Brian. Time and time again you’ve saved my life. Because of you, I want to get better. I want to be better. I can’t promise that this means that suddenly the panic attacks will stop, or anything like that, but I can promise that I’m going to start trying a lot harder. When I look at your eyes, I know that I have so much more to live for now.”
The tears in Brian’s eyes spilled over, running down his cheeks while his lips curved into a smile. When AJ’s hands came up, cupping his cheeks to wipe the tears away, Brian nuzzled at him. “I love you too, Alex. No matter how long it takes you to heal, I will always love you, and I’m always going to be by your side. You complete me, too, don’t you realize that?”
To Brian’s surprise, AJ leaned in and kissed him. It surprised AJ, too, because he hadn’t planned it. He kept the kiss short and yet oh so sweet. A gentle brush of lips against lips that spoke of love. It was a big step for him, to be able to do it. To do any of this. Another of the reasons that he loved Brian was that AJ knew he understood the importance of this step.
Yet it wasn’t as hard as AJ had thought it would be. He pulled back, staring at Brian and smiling as he wiped away more of Brian’s tears. They had been right to wait on this. Right here, right now, had been the perfect moment for their first kiss. Things weren’t going to suddenly be perfect now. AJ knew he couldn’t even guarantee that they would be better. But he knew he was going to try to make it better.
“You amaze me.” Brian whispered. “I wasn’t sure how you’d be this morning. But this calm, this sweetness and love, wasn’t what I was expecting.”
The way that Brian always told him the truth was another trait that had made AJ realize how much he loved him. Even if it wasn’t always nice, Brian told it to him like it was. “Can’t promise it’ll last.” AJ joked, giving a weak chuckle. He could still feel the fear sitting in the bottom of his stomach, waiting to flutter back up and consume him. “I’m holding it down as tight as I can, but I have no idea how long that’ll work. It’s easier when I’m with you like this.”
“Well, we’ll just have to stick close then, won’t we?”
There was nothing AJ wanted more. This face framed between his hands had become the most precious thing in his life. “Without your help I wouldn’t be here. I know that, Brian, and I want you to know that I am thankful for it. Even if it may not always seem like it. I know I fight you sometimes but it’s not because you make me angry, or that I don’t want to get better. I do. I just lose hope some days. I feel great on some days, and on others I feel like I’m still the same guy who walked out of that room terrified of every shadow that was out there.”
“You’ve come a long way, Alex. I want you to remember that, no matter what happens, ok? You are a strong person, and you have come so far from where you were. You’re not that victim anymore.”
It was AJ’s turn for his vision to be blurred by tears. He gave Brian a small smile, dropping his hands back down to let them lace with Brian’s. “Thank you.”
Brian’s smile grew wide. “Let’s go get some breakfast, and we’ll figure out what to do, ok?” Keeping hold of one of AJ’s hands, Brian turned to lead him inside. Two things happened then, seeming almost simultaneous. Brian’s body jerked, bouncing him into AJ; and the glass door in front of them exploded.
It didn’t take much for AJ’s brain to process what was going on. Instead of being in a full panic, he found his mind amazingly clear and able to comprehend everything in an instant. His reaction was pure instinct. He dropped Brian’s hand and grabbed his arm, shoving him through the part of the door they’d left opened and practically tackling him to the ground on the other side of the wall even as he shouted for security.
AJ looked down to Brian. That was when he noticed the blood. His room was suddenly filling with security, some of them coming to act as a shield around the two men, but AJ paid them no mind. His eyes were focused on the blood pooling on the floor, and the arm of Brian’s robe. “Sweet Jesus.”
Panic tickled at the back of AJ’s throat. Ruthlessly he shoved it down. No. He would not panic right now. He grabbed hold of the robe and moved it down off of Brian’s right arm. “Call an ambulance and get me some damn towels!” He shouted, sounding almost like his old self without even realizing it. Something in AJ’s brain clicked over and shut off everything else. He could only focus on Brian. There was no room left to panic.
“AJ.” Brian mumbled, his face devoid of all color. His blue eyes were wide and bright, yet clear.
“I’ve got you, Bri.” Trying to sound soothing, AJ pressed his hand over the wound firmly to try to stem the blood flow. It was just a flesh wound. He told himself that over and over while he waited for the towels. It looked like it had just grazed his arm, tearing the flesh but not extremely deep. “It’s not that bad. We’ll get you help as soon as they can get here, ok? Just focus on me and everything will be fine.”
Impatient with the wait, AJ half rose from the lying position they were in, ready to go grab towels himself, yet wanting to keep pressure on the wound. The guards around him pushed him back towards the ground. “It’s not safe yet.” One warned him. Another guard came around the corner, away from windows, and handed AJ towels. “Get it covered.” He warned as he handed them over. AJ realized that it was Marcus. “We need to get you two out of here as soon as possible. This room isn’t safe.”
Even as AJ was bundling the towels overtop the wound, they were both being assisted to their feet. AJ kept up the pressure as they were rushed from the room and into the hallway. Voices shouted all around them, and AJ thought he saw cops coming and was that Kevin yelling? He didn’t care. Every ounce of concentration was on the man he was half holding up, and the blood that was soaking through their makeshift bandage.
Brian brought his free hand up, taking the towels and holding them tightly as well. He was still too pale for AJ’s comfort, but he moved with purpose, and kept himself close to AJ’s side. They stepped into the elevator, and when the doors closed one of the guards asked Brian how he was. Some color leapt back into Brian’s cheeks. “I’m fine. Just get us somewhere safe. I don’t need to have the shits trying again.”
Again? AJ’s extremely alert mind made the jump easily. It stunned him so that he had to be prodded forward as the elevator doors opened. They were rushed to a part of the hotel, AJ didn’t know where, but after a minute he thought it might be the loading dock. He didn’t care. His eyes locked onto Brian. He couldn’t think about any of the implications of this right now. He locked that away and just focused on his love.
Paramedics were coming toward them, and they were moving to Brian’s arm, taking his hand away. Brian simply moved it from his wound, down to grab AJ’s free hand and tug him against his good side. Hissing slightly as they checked the wound, and then put a bandage over it, Brian squeezed AJ’s hand.
“Let’s get him in the ambulance. Sir, we need to get you to the hospital to get this sewn up. You need to come with us, please.” One of the paramedics started to move Brian as they spoke. A circle of security stayed around them all.
Another paramedic put his hand on AJ’s arm, startling him enough that he jumped. His breath hitched at having someone he didn’t know touching him, as well as being surrounded, but again he used all his effort to force him down. This wasn’t about him right now. This was about Brian. He had to be strong for Brian. “Sir, Mr. Mclean? We need you to step back so we can get him into the ambulance. You need to let go.”
“AJ, come on, we have to get you somewhere safe.” Marcus was saying, coming up behind AJ.
Their words triggered that panic in AJ. He could feel it climbing up him, trying to take over and wash away the calm. He opened his mouth to speak, but words wouldn’t come. Brian had no such qualms. He yanked AJ to him and glared around him. “He goes with me.”
“Mr. Littrell, we need you to get into the ambulance now so that we can stop the bleeding.” The paramedic told him as he was still trying to move hi mforward.
“Fine, but AJ comes with me.” There was a steel in Brian’s voice that told htem all he wasn’t going to give up on this. “I don’t care what security has to follow in their cars, or how locked down the hospital floor gets. We’re not separating, and that’s that.”
To put an end to arguments, Brian simply pulled AJ into the back of the ambulance with him. Appreciation and relief had AJ capable of tapering down the panic again. He kept his cool as he sat on the little bench beside the gurney Brian was sitting on. He stayed on his good side, out of the way of the workers. “Thank you.” He whispered as the doors closed.
Brian flashed him a grin that was tinged at the edges with pain. “Hey, I didn’t do it just for you. I’m not a big hospital fan, you know. This is mostly selfish reasons.”
Sitting in the back of an ambulance as the man he loved was being treated for a gunshot wound to his arm, one that had been meant for him, AJ found he couldn’t do anything but chuckle. Leave it to Brian to crack a joke at a time like this. “You are insane.”
“We make a perfect pair then.” Brian quipped. Then he closed his eyes, holding tight as they started to attach an IV to his hand.