First off, I can't keep a promise
I'm no one to count on at all
Add on that I'm a coward
Too scared to return your call
Stumbling down the hall, AJ chuckled to himself. God he felt good! He wasn’t shitfaced drunk, but he had one hell of a buzz going here. Enough that his steps were wobbly, and his speech a little slurred. But no matter how much he drank he couldn’t seem to keep his mind off the one thing he wanted to forget.
Against his will his eyes were drawn to one door in the hallway. On the other side of that door was the only person who could put him in this kind of state. AJ stood swaying in the hall, unable to take his eyes from that door. He knew that all he would have to do would be cross to that door and knock and it would be answered. He would be welcomed inside.
The idea that someone loved him that much simply terrified him. That fear was what had made him go out drinking. He’d had plans to go down to that room and visit. A nice, quiet evening in, spent with the person he cared about and who cared about him. But yet again he had run scared. Just shy of fully committing to another human being he had turned tail and ran. It was a pattern with him. Run way before they get to close. Drown the fear in another bottle.
Even when his phone rang while he sat at the bar he had resisted answering it. Resisted because he’d known who it would be, and had been terrified that the sound of his voice would break down his resolve. So he’d sat there, too terrified to answer, too ashamed to return the phone call. He was a coward. There was no better word for it.
Why couldn’t he just let his walls down enough to walk over there and take the hand he knew would be extended for him? It would be easy. A few shaky steps to the door; one hand to knock. But he had been burned so many times by so many people. Even here, with the one person that AJ trusted more than anyone else, he found himself unable to fully give that trust. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. To either of them. But he had no idea how to get beyond that.
The door he was staring at opened. It was as if he had magically summoned him. There he stood, framed in the doorway, looking like a slice of heaven brought down to earth. He was like the sun, warming a room when he entered it. To AJ he was like water on the desert that was his heart. Just being around him was vitalizing.
“Alex.” Just that one word, with so much emotion packed into it. AJ almost buckled underneath it. No one called him Alex anymore. Even when they had, they never said it just that way. In that one word AJ could hear the love, pure and strong, and more than that, an understanding that was almost his undoing. He could his feet stepping forward, trying so hard to be steady.
Then he stumbled, and warm hands were there to catch him. To hold him. AJ briefly closed his eyes as the shame and guilt and fear ate its way through him. How he wanted to stay in those capable hands. To trust that they would never let him go. That they would always be there to catch him. But he had trusted that way before and it had got him nowhere. He had trusted his friends, his brothers, and yet look where he was. They had given up on him so long ago. No one wanted to deal with him or his problems anymore.
That voice was at his ear, soothing him even as it churned his emotions more. “Come on, Alex. I’ve got you.” He was being led forward, to the one room he had drank to avoid. He couldn’t stop himself. Everything was eating at him tonight. All the pain, the heartache, every feeling that had drove him to start to drink in the first place. The feelings that had taken him from drinking and over to drugs, and over to pills. They ate at him like a disease, rotting away his insides until he felt that there was nothing good left inside of him. Nausea, a combination of his emotions and the alcohol, burned its way up his stomach. Something must have shown, because suddenly he found himself almost carried inside, the door slamming shut behind them, and then he was in the bathroom, bent over the toilet in just enough time to empty his stomach.
More shame built, that the one he cared for would see him this way. At his weakest, his most pathetic. Surely he’d leave him now. No one would stand by someone who was slowly killing themselves. There was no love that was strong enough for that. AJ knew, because his own love wasn’t strong enough. If it was, he would have walked away the minute that door opened. He would have walked away months ago, the first time that they’d discovered what they felt for one another.
A cool washcloth rested on AJ’s neck, startling him. He rested his cheek against the toilet seat, blessing all this coolness on his skin. From that position he looked up into the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen in his entire life and wondered when they too would be gone from him. How long before he destroyed that light there? Everything he touched eventually withered. Withered, or left. How could he do that to him?
“Such sad eyes, Alex.” A warm hand came up, the knuckles running so gently over AJ’s cheek that he wanted to cry. “So much hurt. I hate to see you do this to yourself. I love you.”
Those were three words that thrilled AJ to hear, but he could never make himself say them in return. He wouldn’t acknowledge those emotions outside of his own mind, even when they screamed inside of him to be spoken. “I hate you.” He croaked out, turning to empty more out of his already abused stomach. As usual his words had no effect.
He felt the light kiss on his temple and he lost control. The tears came, dripping from eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Ah, Alex.” Hands moved him away from the toilet, flushing away his nights drinking with the push of a lever. “You’re so broken. What have we done to you? What have you done to yourself? Can’t you see what you’re doing? Doesn’t it matter?”
“None of it does.” AJ choked out past his tears. “Nothing; not it, not me, just nothing.”
“You matter to me, Alex.”
Looking up into those eyes was like looking into the ocean. So blue, so bright, and deeper than you could imagine. To himself AJ admitted that he would never love anyone the way he loved Brian Littrell. But, he knew he couldn’t trust anyone. Not ever again.
But you don't care
You keep sticking around
While I'm acting a clown
You're bigger
'Cause you're still here
Your feet stuck to the ground
Despite how silly it sounds
You're bigger
Than me
No matter how many times AJ went out and drank, or got high, he knew that when he got back to the hotel, Brian would find him. Each time he came back, expecting to be alone; and each time Brian was either there, or came to him. That terrified AJ. He was afraid he was going to start to rely on him. Once you rely on someone it hurts you so much more when they leave. He’d already had more pain of that than he could handle. Everyone left you. It was just a fact.
His mother had pulled away from him and his problems. Next had been Nick. What AJ did with his life scared Nick, he knew that, and his young friend wasn’t equipped to deal with that kind of stress or trauma. So Nick had pulled away from him in self-preservation and fear. Still, knowing the logic behind it didn’t stop the hurt.
Kevin had pulled back out of frustration. Nothing he’d done to try to help AJ had worked. So he grew steadily angrier each time that AJ came back drunk, or high. AJ knew it was his own fault, but he couldn’t help it. He was hurting, dammit! They had already started to leave him before the drinking. Once he realized the drinking was pushing them away, he had done it more and more to test and see how long before they bailed on him.
Howie had left him next. That one had hurt the most. He and Howie had been best friends for years. Closer with one another than with anyone else. They’d been there for one another’s ups and downs. Thick and thin. But Howie had told him, straight to his face, that he couldn’t handle being a part of the lifestyle AJ was in. One night when AJ had come in, stumbling and tripping over his own feet, so drunk that he couldn’t see straight, he had fallen in the hallway.
He’d looked up and seen Howie’s feet. At the sight of his best friend AJ had tried to move, he really had, but his stomach had protested and he’d vomited right there in the hallway. When he was done, Howie was gone. He hadn’t even stayed to help him up. If it hadn’t been for Brian coming out ten minutes later, AJ would have laid there until he’d sobered up. But Brian had come, and he’d picked him up and took him to his room. He’d got AJ clean and tucked into bed, and then had gone to clean up as much of the mess as he could before he called housekeeping to finish the rest.
That had been when AJ had realized that Howie was telling the truth. He was done with it all.
But, through all of that, Brian had stayed by his side. Even when, one night, AJ had admitted his feelings for him, Brian hadn’t run away. For the past year all of them had known how Brian felt about AJ. He’d never denied it. Secretly it had thrilled AJ. But he knew better than to pursue it. If he didn’t open himself up to it, he wouldn’t have to hurt later on when Brian left.
Yet, as he lay in his own bed, tucked in on yet another night by Brian, he wished that things were different. He wished he was capable of trusting someone. He wished things didn’t hurt so much.
It's known that I'm a liar
Often they're blacker than white
Add on my uncanny ego
No one's less humble than I
The cameras flashed, blinding him as he stood backstage. This was another meet and greet where they got to mingle with the fans. At one point in time it had been AJ’s second favorite thing in the entire world to do. First singing, then this. Meeting the fans, getting to know them. Giving him a chance to see the love on their faces. To know that their music impacted so many lives.
Now all AJ wanted was to get back to the hotel, or out to a bar. Somewhere that he wouldn’t have to think or feel. Where he wouldn’t have to act for the crowd. Because that’s all he was doing now. His shades were his disguise, as was the smile that he had learned to give. No one saw to the real AJ. No one saw underneath to just Alex.
He felt like such a liar. People would ask him questions and he would lie. Everything was fine. Yes, he loved touring. Oh, of course they were a close group. They were like brothers. Life had never been better! Yes, he hoped to continue making music and touring.
All the while, in the back of his mind, he wished to God he could speak his mind. He’d tell them all that no, he wasn’t fine. His life sucked. He had been let down one too many times, and his heart was broken. That his brothers had then turned on him and left him to rot. Left him to break into a million little pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty, he felt as if he was a hair from toppling off the wall. If he did, well. All the kings horses and all the kings men could put Humpty back together again.
But he didn’t let this show. He flashed them a smile, and posed for pictures, and was the perfect AJ. He laughed at peoples jokes, and told sexual jokes of his own. He faked an ego that he didn’t have, sounding just as cocky as his old self. It was a seamless act.
But that was all it was; an act.
All the messed up things I do
Yeah, I swear I'll make them up to you
Before you go and have enough
Just let me make it better
I'll try and measure up
I'll try and measure up to you
Oh, yeah
(I'll make them up to you)
Oh, yeah
AJ managed to get back to his own room that night. He found it empty, and the hole that put inside of him was devastating. Had he finally chased Brian away? Had he finally done it, and made him leave? He stood in the center of his room and found that tears were streaming down his face. So, he had done it. He had succeeded in chasing away every person who had ever claimed to care about it.
It just proved he was right. He had been right all along not to trust Brian or his claims of love. There was nothing in the world that was strong enough to hold two people together. Nothing.
There was no comfort in that thought. AJ actually felt his heart start to break. He tried to take a step forward, but the alcohol had him misjudging that step and he tripped, knocking over a table with a lamp on it. He and the lamp hit the ground, pieces flying everywhere. Shame and heartache exploded inside of AJ and he curled into himself, his tears still flowing freely.
Sobs tore their way from his throat. He had done it! Everyone in his life was gone. They had all run away. He’d proved it to himself. So why did he hurt so much? Why did it feel like someone had carved his heart out with a dull, rusty knife? He crossed his arms over his chest, holding his shoulders, and rocked on the floor. He barely noticed the tears; couldn’t seem to hear the half sobbing half keening sound that was clawing its way out of his throat. Oh God. He was alone. So alone.
He felt as if his sanity was slipping. He was going insane. This was all he was destined to have in life. Pain, and loneliness. He would never know the feel of sleeping beside the one he loved, and waking up to them the next morning. He would have no one to turn to on those long, cold nights when the world seemed dreary. No. All he had was the booze, and the drugs, and this wide ocean of pain, with no shore in sight.
Something touched AJ’s arm, startling him. He jerked away, terrified that his mind had finally snapped. That he had broken underneath that grief and pain. When he looked up and saw Brian’s beautiful face, those loving eyes, he couldn’t move. “Brian?” The name slipped from him like a prayer and a question rolled into one. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Was Brian really here with him? “What’re you doing here?” His control was so thin right now. He couldn’t see Brian, not like this, not if it was really him.
“I’m always here for you, Alex.” Brian said calmly. There was nothing but love radiating from him.
“No.” AJ insisted, finally regaining movement. He scrambled further backwards until he found the wall and could brace against it. “No, you weren’t here, I saw that. You left me, just like everyone else.”
“I got stuck on the phone with my mom, sweetie, that’s all. I didn’t leave. I’m right here.”
“No!” AJ shouted it this time. “I’m alone, and you left me. Just like the rest of them! You can’t be here. No, no, no. “ He couldn’t handle Brian’s love, not in the aftermath of thinking he’d lost him. His emotions were too raw, his defenses low. He couldn’t hold out against it and that scared him to the very marrow of his bones. If he couldn’t resist him then he’d end up letting him in, and that would make it so much worse when Brian finally left.
Very slowly, with careful movements, Brian moved to kneel in front of him. “Alex, I’m right here. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here waiting for you, but I was on the phone with my mom and she got to talking. I would have been here waiting, otherwise. I’ll never leave you. No matter what you do, I’m here for you. I love you.”
Those three words were the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. AJ let out a guttural cry and launched forward, shoving Brian back. The attack surprised Brian so that he ended sitting on the ground, staring at AJ. “No!” AJ cried, pushing at Brian again. He couldn’t think straight. All he knew was he had to get Brian out of there, chase him away, before he finally crumbled. “I hate you! I don’t want you here!” He pushed again, but this time Brian resisted, trying to capture his hands.
AJ fought like a wild thing, not caring about who he hurt. Himself, Brian, it didn’t matter. He had to get him to leave. “I hate you!” he cried again as his legs kicked. He cried it over and over like a mantra while his body fought. But Brian was strong, and he used all that strength to try to pin AJ down. It was a battle to see who was stronger.
Everything inside of AJ hurt so much. Panic and terror took over until he was mindless under it. He never realized that his voice grew louder and louder until he was shrieking at him, “I hate you!” over and over and over. But still Brian fought with him. Even when AJ’s fist connected with his arm, Brian still fought, until he had AJ’s entire body pinned down to the ground with the weight of his own.
Under the weight of him, AJ still tried to buck. “Get off me, go! Get out of here!”
Brian brought his face down, pressing his cheek against AJ’s thrashing face. He held his hands pinned on either side of him. “I love you, Alex. I love you.” He whispered in his ear. “I’m not going anywhere. Oh, God, I’m right here baby. Feel me. I’m right here. I love you, I love you.”
Somehow the shrieks turned to sobs. AJ didn’t notice when they changed. But he felt his body stop fighting. It was too much. He couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t fight him. Great, choking sobs ripped from that broken place deep inside of his soul, and suddenly, instead of pinning him, Brian was holding him, cradling him against his chest. Still he whispered in AJ’s ear those three sweet words. “I love you. Oh, Alex, I love you so much.”
The last bit of AJ’s resolve broke. He couldn’t fight this anymore. He had tried and tried, but nothing he had done had sent Brian running. He couldn’t hold out against him anymore. Like a child, he curled into the warmth that Brian gave him and sobbed. All the while Brian rocked him, whispering soothingly to him, never leaving. He was like a rock in the middle of the storm. A safe harbor to hide in, to cling to.
“I can’t do it anymore.” AJ managed to gasp out. “God, Brian, I can’t do it. I’m so scared, and so tired.”
“I’ve got you, Alex. Feel my arms around you. I’m right here and I’m never going to let you go.”
“Help me. Brian, I need help!” Those words were the hardest that AJ had ever said. He knew he couldn’t do this on his own anymore. He was too tired of fighting. Too tired to continue on this way. He was so scared that if he did, he would lose himself forever. He would be gone under the drugs and the alcohol. There would be nothing left to him.
Brian’s arms tightened. “We’ll get you help, Alex. We’ll get you into treatment. I promise you. I’ll stay there, and I’ll visit as often as they let me. I swear to you. You’re not alone. We’re going to make this better. I love you so much. I won’t lose you.”
For the first time in so long, AJ felt a small kernel of hope in his heart. Maybe, just maybe, he could get the help he needed, and he could heal. But most importantly, maybe, he could trust again. Nothing he had done had managed to chase Brian away from him. Held closely in the arms of one who loved him, AJ felt so small, so lost. He nodded his head and gave himself, heart, body, and soul over to another, something he had sworn he would never do again.