It was days before they could get together again. Between shows and ‘movie nights’ with the other guys they usually ended up in bed late and needing to sleep for the next day. Brian found himself getting steadily crabbier and crabbier. All he wanted was some time with his boyfriend, damn it. Wasn’t that a reasonable request?
He had completely forgotten about the conversation he’d had with Nick until he brought it up one night after a show. They were all piled into the van on the way back to the hotel, full of their usual energy. Howie had been teasing Brian about getting laid, which Brian fended off with returned teasing, when Nick piped up “Leave the man alone! He’s got a girlfriend.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth Nick flushed. Automatically Brian turned his eyes toward AJ. He saw surprise there, and confusion. He prayed that AJ would understand and wait until they got to the hotel before he started asking questions. Right now he had to deal with Nick. “Boy, Nick. You’re great at keeping secrets.” He grumbled.
The van pulled up at the hotel just then and Brian wasted no time in hurrying out of it. As he’d expected it was Kevin who caught up with him first, inside the hotel lobby. “Wait a second. You’ve got a girlfriend? Who is she?”
“Leave it alone. It’s none of your business.”
Howie jogged up behind them. “Come on, Rok! Who is she?” he asked as the five of them filled the elevator. Brian wondered idly to himself why they always seemed to be taking about his love life inside of elevators. Maybe he should snag AJ later and…no, that was the last thing to think about right now. He needed to pay attention to those around him.
“Is she cute? Someone you met on tour, or a girl back home? I know Aunt Jackie had some girl she wanted you to meet.” Kevin tried to pry him.
Rolling his eyes, Brian watched the numbers go up. “This is why I don’t tell you guys anything. Nothings privet with the lot of you.” His words seemed to surprise them into silence. Still watching the numbers, Brian tapped his foot. “A person can’t have anything that’s just for them. Why do you think I haven’t told anyone?”
There was a ding to signal their floor just before the doors opened. Brian quickly moved out, heading for his room. Halfway there he turned around, walking backwards. “J?” he called out. From the middle of the group AJ popped his head up, looking curiously at Brian. “Can you come down for a minute? I got something I need to talk with you about.” That wasn’t such a strange request since everyone knew the two had gotten close since AJ’s rehab trip. Plus, with the news of Brian having a girlfriend, they had a perfect cover. Something on AJ’s face told him that AJ didn’t think it was so perfect.
For just a minute it looked as if AJ was going to refuse. But then he quirked an eyebrow over his shades and shrugged. Silently he followed Brian over and into his room.
The minute the door was shut, Brian rushed to explain himself. “I didn’t tell him that, and I don’t have a girlfriend. The other night he got so weird about things, and I was distracted thinking about you, and he saw the look on my face. He guessed that I had a girlfriend and wouldn’t let it drop. That’s all though, Alex. I promise.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~
AJ watched Brian trying to explain himself. His lover was talking so fast his words were tripping over one another. Didn’t he realize that it wasn’t how it came about that bothered AJ? He knew better than to think Brian was keeping a girlfriend on the side. They loved one another way too much for either of them to think about cheating. Not to mention that the southern gentleman in him that AJ loved so much wouldn’t be able to handle cheating on someone.
No, it was the fact that Brian was so determined to cover up their relationship that he allowed Nick to spread this kind of lie around. Was he that ashamed of them? The thought hurt.
Even knowing that he did it, AJ couldn’t stop his hurt from lashing out as temper. “Oh that’s all, huh? I bet you never bothered to correct him either, did you?” he snapped, walking further into the room. He headed straight for the dresser in the living room that he knew contained the standard ash tray. Usually he would smoke outside but this was a conversation best left for in their room. Brian must have realized that because he didn’t protest as AJ lit one.
“What was I supposed to say to him, Alex? He had it set in his head that this was the truth. You know how Nick gets when he thinks he knows something.” Brian defended himself. He had that little furrow between his eyes that he got when stressed. Usually AJ found himself wanting to smooth that away. Now, he couldn’t get past the annoyance, or the hurt.
“Oh, I don’t know, Rok. What about, ‘sorry Nick but you’re wrong.’ Or hey, better yet, why not ‘I’m dating AJ.’ Either one of those would work. Maybe even both together.” He knew his words were lashing out like a whip. They made Brian flinch back. A little bit of shame leaked in.
“I’ve told you, Alex. I’m not ready for that.”
“Maybe I’m beginning to wonder if you ever will be.”
“I will!” Brian exclaimed. He wrung his hands, his eyes pleading with AJ to understand. “I thought you understood. It’s not just because I’m afraid, Age. I am, and I admit it, but that’s not my main reason.”
Unable to help himself, AJ found he was curious. He ground his cigarette out in the ashtray and waved a hand in the air to wave away smoke, but his eyes stayed locked on Brian, waiting. His lover stepped closer. Every inch of his body was practically begging AJ to understand.
“I wasn’t lying in the elevator when I told them that this was why I didn’t tell them anything. Right now, I get you all to myself. Our time is our time. Our relationship is ours. The minute we tell people, well, it becomes Backstreet property. We’ll be dealing with the guys teasing us, and press hounding us, and our families, and just all this other stuff. I’m not saying I’m not willing to deal with it, because I am.” Brian ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and unable to find his words.
AJ found himself softening. He could never manage to stay mad at Brian. Most especially when what he said made sense.
“I just, I don’t know, AJ. I’m scared and I know I shouldn’t be. I can’t help that I worry how other people will react. But it doesn’t mean that I love you any less. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care. One day I will be ready to tell them. But it’s just that, most of all, I’m not ready to share you. I’m not ready for the taunts and the games and the jokes when we’re together and everyone in the media trying to take our picture together or sneak up to find us somewhere so they can say they photographed the happy couple.” Brian cut off with a grimace, one hand coming up to cover his heart.
Fear erased anything else AJ was feeling at the moment. In two strides he was in front of Brian, his hands resting on his shoulders. “Bri? Are you ok?”
Brian nodded and let his hand drop. “I’m fine. Just a strong beat, that’s all. Happens sometimes when I’m stressed. It’s not important.” He shook his head, shaking off the sensation. Before AJ could protest that dammit, it was important, Brian was raising a hand and placing it over AJ’s heart. The gesture was so soft, and the look in his eyes so tender, that AJ couldn’t speak. “I love you, Alex. You, not anyone else. We will tell the others one day. But for now, can you understand that I want to keep the most important thing in my life as mine for a little longer?”
AJ stared into those blue eyes and found himself as lost as he always did. “I don’t know how you chase away my temper, but you do.” He said quietly. His hands moved from Brian’s shoulders up to cup his face. “Of course I can understand. I won’t push you before you’re ready.” Tenderly he leaned in and kissed Brian’s warm lips, tasting the salt as his love let his tears fall.
~~~~~~~~~~
Standing in the hallway, Nick stared at the door in front of him with his mouth hanging open. He’d been curious when Brian had asked AJ to come in, and even more so when he’d heard Brian shout ‘I will!’ for everyone to hear. His innate nosiness had kicked in and he’d snuck out into the hall and pressed his ear to their door. He hadn’t expected to hear what he had.
He shook his head. Maybe he had misheard it all. Hearing through a door was hard work, and they hadn’t exactly been close. Plus, he’d only caught the tail end of the conversation. Things were quiet in there now. But he could have sworn he heard Brian say ‘I love you, Alex. You, not anyone else.’ The way he said it was what had Nick reeling backwards in shock. There had been such tenderness in those words. It wasn’t the way you said them to a friend. It was the way you spoke to a lover.
But…Brian and AJ? No, no way. He had to have heard wrong! There was no way that they were lovers. They had just grown close lately. That was all it was. That had to be all it was.
For just a moment Nick contemplated listening again. Only for a moment though. Then he shook his head and went down to his own room. He had to have heard it wrong. Right?
~~~~~~~~~~~
For just a little while longer Brian held and let himself be held. Everything always felt better in AJ’s arms. Here he was safe and protected. Here, he was home. Nothing else mattered. All of his fears, his worries, just simply melted away. For a little while he didn’t have to worry about things. About having someone find out about them. Worrying about being too loud so that someone heard them. Worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing on stage or in an interview. Worrying about how his family would react if they knew the truth about their son.
Worry about the shortness of breath he felt now that always came after that strong heartbeat. Worrying about how often it had happened lately.
He pushed it all out of his mind. Inhaling the scent that was pure AJ he cradled his head against AJ’s shoulder. Together they stood there, swaying to a music only they could hear.