Everything felt kind of hazy. A steady beeping sound reached Brian’s ears. With the cloud on his mind it took longer than it should have for it to click in his mind what the sound was. A heart monitor. Oh, man, his head felt stuffed full of cotton. There was a burning in his throat that, after a minute he recognized. They’d taken the ventilator out. That always left a person’s throat feeling sore.
His chest burned lightly and there was an ache there that the morphine wasn’t touching. He tried to move and that ache flared stronger and brighter. He moaned lightly and opened his eyes. The very first thing he saw when his eyes opened was the top of someone’s head. He couldn’t tell who it was, as they had on the scrubs clothes and hat. Whoever it was, though, was sitting by his bedside with their head bowed in what Brian thought was prayer.
“Hello?” Brian managed to gasp out. God, his throat hurt!
The head snapped up and Brian found himself face to face with AJ. Well, most of his face. On top of the scrubs AJ also had the mask on. His lover’s eyes locked on to him and almost instantly Brian felt more at ease. Just as he’d said he would be, AJ was here when he woke up. He couldn’t explain why that pleased him so much.
“Well hello there, sleepyhead.” AJ’s raspy tease was like music to his ears. “Nice to see those beautiful blues looking at me again. How you feeling?”
“Sore.” He managed to get out. Taking a deep breath he tried to ask the question he wanted to ask. “How long have I been out?”
“Oh, off and on almost all evening. It’s about 8pm I’d say. Maybe a little earlier.”
Brian started to lift one hand, intending on bringing it to his face to wipe at his eyes, but the feeling when moving his arm wasn’t worth it. He laid it back down with a grimace. It wasn’t excruciating pain, but there was the ache that came from not using his muscles and lying down for hours on end.
One of AJ’s gloved hands came up, cupping the side of Brian’s face. He started to speak, stopped, and started over. “You look better.” His hand moved up, wiping over Brian’s forehead and down his cheek. Even though it was through latex the touch still made Brian feel good. He never noticed AJ’s other hand drop down to press the call button.
“I feel like shit warmed over.” Brian tried to joke.
The door to his room opened and two nurses came strolling in. They didn’t waste time but came directly to his bedside. One checked the IV while the other stepped up to him. “Hello, Mr. Littrell. How’re you feeling now?”
Slightly lightheaded, he laid his head back on the pillows. “A little tired, little dizzy.” He said. It didn’t surprise him when he felt fingers at his wrist or when he felt the thermometer in his ear. He was a little surprised when he heard AJ say “He’s a little warm, Ethel. I could feel it through my glove.”
“Yes. Alicia, go page Dr. Lorry for me, would you? Mr. Littrell? Brian?”
He realized that she was speaking to him now. Funny. He didn’t remember it being so hard to focus last time he’d had this done. “Yes?” he asked. Was that his voice? Why did it sound so funny?
Vaguely he felt someone take hold of his hand and another voice snap out something in a sharp tone. Then he was drifting again, back asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It almost broke AJ’s heart to watch Brian’s face as he drifted back to sleep. “He’s ok, isn’t he?” He didn’t care that his voice sounded shaky. This was more important than anything else in the world to him. He needed to know the truth. Raising his eyes he looked directly at Ethel as she started to unhook the shoulder of Brian’s gown. She locked eyes with him for a moment before moving the gown to reveal the incision there.
The skin around it looked red and slightly puffy. AJ waited on bated breath for her to answer his question. The silence that filled the room was worse than anything she could have said.
Dr. Lorry came strolling into the room then, his presence drawing everyone’s attention. Without wasting time with words he gave Brian his own physical examination, repeating many things that Ethel had already done. When he finally reached Brian’s incision he started to speak without ever looking up. “It looks like infection is trying to set in. His temperature is more elevated than I would like to see. Start him on antibiotics immediately.”
The rest of his instructions were lost to AJ. He turned his head to stare at Brian’s sleeping face. He was slightly flushed but otherwise nothing looked out of sort. Infection. If he was getting an infection, all of this was right at his heart. That had to be more dangerous than normal. Dear God he thought, Don’t let him get this far only to have this knock him down. He’s so strong. Help him make it through this.
“AJ.”
Blinking away his thoughts, AJ looked up into Dr. Lorry’s face. There was sympathy in the doctor’s eyes that cut AJ to the quick. “AJ, he’s tough. He’s also so full of life, and things to live for. Between the medicine and his will to live, I have no doubts that he’ll fight this with everything he has. As it stands right now, I’m confident that he’ll make it out of this just fine.”
Moving toward him, Dr. Lorry took his arm and slowly pulled him away from Brian’s bedside. It took everything AJ had not to plant his feet and refuse to leave. The doctor’s next words had him rethinking being nice. “I want you to go home and go to bed.”
As soon as those words left Dr. Lorry’s mouth, AJ opened his own to protest. He was cut off. “I will make it an order as a physician if need be, and I will bar you from this room. You’ve been here all day in emotional turmoil and now this. You’ll be no good to him if you end up on the edge of collapsing yourself. Go home; get at least six hours of sleep before you come back. I know your friends will take shifts with you.”
Grudgingly AJ nodded. Only because what Dr. Lorry had said was right. He needed to be rested to be of any use to Brian. Still not speaking, afraid to even trust his voice, AJ stepped out of the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kevin had agreed to stay at the hospital and wait until someone could come and relieve him. With this latest problem there was no way that they would all leave him. Someone would stay at the hospital at all times to better be able to update everyone. He had hesitated on letting AJ drive himself home, but the younger man had given him no choice. He’d simply walked away.
How he got home safely was a mystery. AJ knew that he probably shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car. The traffic around him was almost a blur. He ran on auto pilot the whole way home and even as he was parking the car in the driveway. As he stepped out of the car he had to double back to grab the keys. He’d almost left them in the ignition.
His feet felt as if they were made of lead. To walk up to the front door of the house, his and Brian’s house, with the intention of heading to their bed, alone, was almost more than he could bear. Sure, he had done it before the surgery, but that was different. He’d known Brian was ok, lying in a hospital bed sleeping. Now the other half of his heart was lying in a hospital bed, fresh from surgery with an infection already setting in. He wanted to be there. He needed to be there.
But he forced himself to walk up to the front door. To open it and step inside. Instantly he was assaulted by Nina. She jumped all over his legs, barking and demanding attention. AJ scooped her up in his arms and cradled her to his chest. Almost as if she sensed something wasn’t right she laid her head on his shoulder almost as if she was hugging him. It brought tears to his eyes.
“Age?” Nick’s voice was hesitant and full of concern.
AJ opened his eyes and looked at his young friend. What words were there to say? Had Kevin already called and told them, or was that going to fall to him to do? Nick’s next words answered him as if he had spoken the thoughts aloud. “Kev called and told us what’s going on, and what the doctor said. Nothing’s changed so far. Do you want something to eat before you go up to bed?”
He shook his head. Food did not sound appealing. Nothing did. He felt as if he was floundering. Lost in a sea of heartache and worry and fear. Without another word he turned away from his friend and headed up the stairs. Very gently he set Nina on the ground. She stayed at his heels as he went down the hall and into his bedroom.
The first thing his eyes traveled to was the beautiful four poster bed that dominated their room. Brian had bought that bed for them. Tears pricked AJ’s eyes. They had only slept together in it once. It seemed so unfair. This was there bed. What right did he have to sleep in it, alone? He couldn’t. He couldn’t do it. This was their bed, to share. To sleep in it alone…no. No way.
Suddenly he spun, leaving the room and heading down the hall again. He went into the last spare room, the only one not being used. His body felt leaden. Though he didn’t notice it, tears were streaming down his face. Not even bothering to take his shoes off he climbed into the bed and curled up in the center in the fetal position. It was a king size bed. The size made him feel as if he was being swallowed in the blankets. That was ok. He didn’t want to feel alone and vulnerable. Like Brian probably felt.
The tears came hotter and faster. His lover was alone right now, and would be feeling vulnerable. As if he was being attacked, and by his own body. It wasn’t fair. There was no one more beautiful, more special, than Brian. What had he done to deserve this happening to him? Not just once, but twice! It wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair.
Pain ran through AJ in waves. All that he’d been holding inside, locked away for days and days on end, was threatening to overwhelm him. He couldn’t hold it in. The tears came against his will; sobs tried to tear their way out of his throat. He felt Nina curl up behind his legs, her throat resting on the top of his calf. The contact just made him cry all the harder.
His sobs grew louder and louder. He knew the others would hear him; that they would come. But he couldn’t make himself stop. For so long he’d been holding it together. He’d been exactly what Brian needed him to be. Strong. Sure. But there was only so much a person could take. Especially when it was concerning their love. It was like he had said. His heart was Brian’s, and Brian’s was his. One couldn’t exist without the other. But that meant that one couldn’t hurt without the other hurting.
The bed shifted under someone’s weight. AJ felt a leg brush against his head and instinctively shifted to lay his head in that lap. He knew who it was. Knew by the familiar feel, the familiar cologne. Knew even more by the hands that started to run through his hair. Howie didn’t bother to speak. He just sat there and stroked AJ’s hair.
He felt his tears come faster and faster, almost as if they were being pulled out of him with every gentle stroke of Howie’s hand. He cried for Brian. He cried for himself. For the pain his love was going through. For the obstacles that kept being thrown into their path. The pain was relentless, searing every inch of him as he finally let it free.
“I can’t lose him, Howie.” He sobbed out. His hands clutched tightly at the edge of the sweats Howie was wearing. “If anything happens to him…!” he couldn’t finish that sentence. Wouldn’t allow the thought to finish in his mind. He felt another weight on the bed. Nick. His young friend curled up against him, wrapping his arms around him as best he could and resting his head on AJ’s side.
Together, the three men and the dog lay in the big bed. All three men prayed for the life of the one they loved, each in their own way.