Giggles slipped from AJ’s mouth as he tried to quietly sneak into his own house. After a few attempts, he managed to get the door to unlock. He almost fell on his face as he came in. That just caused more giggles. Everything was funny. So abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! He shut the door, cringing at the loud noise it made. He listened for a second. Nope, no sound. Brian must have been sound asleep, thank the Lord.
The last thing he wanted was another lecture. More talk about how alcohol was ruining his life, blah blah blah. He was a big fucking boy. If he wanted a drink, well, dammit, he could go have one! What business of his was it if he wanted to tie one on every now and again? He wasn’t hurting anyone. He was having fun! It wasn’t like he slept around when he drank, or anything else like that. So, yeah, he did a little coke. But that was always so much fun! And, yeah, maybe he took some pills to sleep at night. Who wouldn’t?
Scoffing, AJ made his way carefully to the stairs. With the walk of a drunk, each movement exaggerated in his attempt to be careful, he made his way up the staircase. Why had he put the damn bedroom upstairs for, anyways? Stupid idea. There were so many stairs, too! Fuck it. He’d make it.
He shed his clothes on the way down the hallway. It felt good to get out of them. He didn’t worry about leaving them there; either he or Brian would pick them up first thing in the morning. Close to the edge of passing out, he only cared about getting to the bed.
The bedroom was dark when he went in. Still trying not to wake Brian, he didn’t bother with the light. Though he did trip on his way over. Cursing quietly, he crawled the rest of the way to his bed. Once he found it, he pulled himself up and lay down, not even bothering to get under the covers. Within minutes he was out like a light.
The next morning AJ woke to a pounding headache. He groaned and clutched at his head, trying to block the light out. Jesus. Sweet fucking Jesus. One hand groped at the nightstand. He knew they were there somewhere. When he found them, he could have wept with joy. He took two pain relievers dry before he started to make his way to the shower. He needed to get clean, and to brush that thick taste out of his mouth.
Thirty minutes later he was making his way downstairs, wrapped tight in his robe. He moved slowly, less out of pain, and more out of nerves. Brian hadn’t been upstairs, and he knew that once he came down and found him, he was going to be livid. He hated it when AJ drank. More often than not, AJ did too. He swore to himself each day he wasn’t going to touch a drop, or do a line. But each night, it was the same thing, over and over.
He peeked his head into the kitchen, where he usually found Brian at. It was empty. Curious, AJ stepped in, seeing something lying by the coffee pot. A note? His lips curved as he strode over and picked it up. Brian was always leaving him little love notes around the house. That sweetness was one of the things that AJ loved about him.
But as he opened the letter and read it, the bottom dropped out of his world.
Dear Alex,
I imagine that it’s morning by now. By the time you got in last night, you were probably too drunk to notice anything was different. You probably didn’t even notice that I was gone, did you? Well, I won’t be bitter about that. You were probably drunk and high both, and when you’re like that, there’s a lot you don’t notice.
I hate that this has to be done in a letter, but I know that if we try to talk about this again, it’s going to end up in another fight, and then we’ll end up making up again. There will be promises made, as there always is. But I just don’t have it in me anymore. I can’t keep lying awake at night, waiting for you to come home, worrying that tonight is going to be the night you won’t. That I’ll get a phone call, or a knock, with someone telling me that there’s been an accident, or that you’ve over dosed. I live in a state of perpetual terror, Alex. I can’t do it anymore.
This may sound callous to you. You may take it as me not loving you. But please, I want you to know, the exact opposite is true. I love you more than anything in the world. More than my own heart, remember, honey? You’re half of me. You’re my everything.
But I won’t stand by and watch you kill yourself slowly. You have an addiction. Until you see that, there’s nothing that anyone can do for you. There’s nothing I can do. And I refuse to live in that kind of a home anymore. It breaks my heart to leave, more than you know. Part of me is still fighting, telling me that the last thing you do is leave a loved one when they need you. But right now, your addiction is so strong, there’s no room left for anything else in your life.
Hopefully this will wake you up to what you’re doing. Not only to yourself, but to those around you. Those that love you. Seeing you die by inches is breaking my heart into a million pieces.
So, this is the last time I’ll ask you. Please, Alex. Get help. Please, before it’s too late. We all love you. I love you. If you do this, all of us will stand by you.
But until then, I can’t be here anymore. Hate me if you have to. Refuse to ever see me again, and I would understand. But please, get help. Your life is worth living. You are worth being alive. Don’t let Alex get lost underneath AJ. Remember who you are, and who I fell in love with.
When the time comes, you know where to find me.
Forever and Always Yours,
Brian
Tears were streaming from AJ’s eyes. He read, and then re-read the letter. He had no idea how long he stood in the middle of his kitchen. All he knew was that Brian was gone, and he was the reason for it. Him. All because he couldn’t stop drinking. How many times had Brian asked him to get help? How many times had he begged and pleaded AJ to seek help for his addictions? But he’d laughed it off. He wasn’t addicted! Oh, no, not him!
Well, more the fool he was. He had made his bed, and now he would have to lie in it.
Before he realized what he was doing, AJ had moved across the kitchen and started to reach into his hidden stash of liquor. He froze, staring at the bottle in his hand. What was he doing? The man he loved had just left him because of this very reason.
Suddenly AJ spun, throwing the bottle against the wall. It shattered, sending the Jack and glass flying everywhere. AJ ignored them, and rushed over to the phone on the wall. He picked it up and dialed from memory, the tears in his eyes making it almost impossible for him to see.
After two rings, the person on the other end picked up. AJ tried to speak, but the person was ranting at him. He finally managed to butt in. “I know, Kev, I know. That’s why I’m calling you. I need help.” There was silence, then a quiet question. AJ gripped the phone in his hand for dear life and turned to stare at the bottle and the alcohol on the floor. “Come get me. Please. I need to check into a rehab now, today. Please. I can’t do this anymore. I need help.”